Language for Lovers: Healing Conflicts

Language for Lovers: Healing Conflicts

What is a somatic (physical) memory? How does it figure in parenting?

A somatic memory is a memory stored in a special part of the brain.  Not the remember-the-phone-number conscious part.  The unconscious catch-the-football part of the brain. Jerry Rice trained in a specially designed way to compensate for a lack of speed (by NFL standards.)  He was known for being the hardest working player in the sport. He developed the ability to change direction without signaling to the skilled eyes of professional defenders.  He practiced running pass patterns while defended against by two and three defensive backs.  He ran for a touchdown after each practice reception.  Jerry Rice was disciplined, he installed somatic memories for performing brilliantly, and kept updating them to stay ahead of the competition.

Nature also records safety advice so we don't have to "remember" it. Two boys, 14 years of age race across a darkened parking lot after attending a night game with their families.  Dashing through the dim light, they see the car across the lot.  Suddenly, they come to an abrupt stop.  One boy is on his back, dizzy, pained, and looking up at the stars.  He raises his head to see the soles of his buddy's feet up in the air, having tripped across a two-foot-high cable. The buddy is stunned, squinting in the darkness to see what stopped them.  "You OK?" they each ask. They get up, compare torn clothes, bruises and bloodiness. Then they inspect the cable that separated two otherwise connected car lots. They limp onward to the car, charley-horses worsening for each of them.  50 years later these men will not run across unfamiliar terrain.  Their bodies will automatically slow down these enthusiastic competitors before they give it any thought.  It's nature's safety device.

Then there are the stored physical memories of terror that overwhelm the body's natural defenses. These stowed away memories move the person into an automatic action or mode to save his life.  Military combat training is intended to keep a warrior functioning effectively during inconceivable danger and unconscionable mayhem and death.  For thousands of years, combat veterans have had issues about returning to civilian life after hostilities cease. Western medicine is only recently tackling this wounding of the warrior soul.

Perhaps a surprise issue, noticed by professionals dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) among veterans, is the discovery that this malady can be found in adults who were abused in childhood.  The resulting, lingering "safety device" behaviors might be seen by family members as bad life choices, inability to follow sound advice or weaknesses of character. But actually, the body remembers being overwhelmed by danger in the home, and created triggers to avoid danger that are very effective, but poorly defined.  These hard-wired memories may contain no pictures, just frustrating cattle prods to steer the adult away from what the young child's body interpreted as danger.

In my own "case," I served in the military in a non-combat role, but my difficulties at birth and in my first two months of life set me up for susceptibility to further traumatization by harsh physical discipline.  The creation of PTSD may have been in those first two months, with the discipline piling on for additional effect.  And I'm being treated for it successfully, 60 years later.  How was it affecting me all my life?  Next.

Body Memories (Those physical memories from events)

I've been doing some work on my PTSD.  I had mistakenly credited it solely to harsh discipline as a young child. But it started with my breech birth.  My birth required turning me in the womb before bringing me out shoulder first.  Then in the first several weeks my stomach stopped letting my food into my small intestine.  I was starving, losing weight, with salts and other body systems pushed out of whack.  The malfunctioning stomach valve was operated on at 8 weeks.  The difficult birth, malfunctioning stomach and surgery act together to traumatize a newborn.

In a normal birth, the infant is positioned correctly, and when the time is right, he/she begins to stretch and push off while pointed at the exit. The mother's natural waves of contractions aid the expulsion.  The turned-around little guy has the same instincts as the normally positioned baby (to push off, seek the exit with his head, and to begin twisting to start the corkscrew movement through the birth canal.)  But the breeched little body registers that something is wrong.  There appears to be no exit, the contractions are not helping, the little being has a survival instinct that goes into overdrive against the physical confusion.  When the doctor, midwife, helper must reach up into the birth canal to reposition the baby, this is not part of "instinct."

The baby's emergency system kicks in.  It feels the unnatural force being applied, including grabbing and pulling. Its protective reaction is to tense up, to freeze, to flex to keep the body together because it appears to be getting pulled apart.  Getting the baby out is necessary, or baby and mother will die.  But the newborn has a physical memory of a near-death experience that was averted by freezing. Trauma expert Peter A. Levine describes freezing as if a driver were to floor the car accelerator and step heavily on the brake simultaneously. Massive opposing forces clashing.  The baby's amygdala records "When things don't go right--FREEZE!" There is NO CONSCIOUS MEMORY at all.  Baby appears to remember nothing about the incident.  But the little nervous system develops titanium neuro-wiring of the life-saving actions taken by the body, and remembers for all time, to be used whenever "something scary" presents itself.

The definition of "something scary," the trigger, may be as simple as "any novelty." The young nervous system is seconds old, has NO experience, yet wires in beyond the reach of the conscious mind a life-saving procedure that might remain in effect for an entire life.  It's reachable to reverse, but by specific methods that take advantage of the body's natural desire to release itself from the accelerator/brake freezing response.

Here's a link to an article I enjoyed on this topic:
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/did/111512

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting?

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting?  Interferes with giving thought to learning how to parent more reasonably?

Unhappiness.

What kind of unhappiness do many of us feel?  Maybe we're not where we would like to be financially, or on the career ladder.  Maybe we're having trouble communicating with our spouse, and it's taking a toll on us.  Maybe we're "settling" somewhere in our existence that is eating at us.  Maybe we're angry, or feeling helpless.

When I was a step-parent in my first marriage, I was unhappy with my job, I changed careers, then I met my first wife and changed back.  For my first eight years of parenting, I was in law enforcement.  I think cops have an unusually hard time leaving the job at the office. The rate of alcoholism and divorce is among the highest for this career. They bring the necessities for survival home with them, the gun and the attitude.  I was hard-headed and believed I was always right.  Some remarkable men and women pull off civilized parenting under those conditions, but more cops are unnecessarily harsh with their kids than the general parent populace.  But I'm talking here to parents who suspect or know that they want better communication with their spouse or with their kids.

We all hear that the most important thing in any relationship is communication. We could have gotten that test question right ever since high school.  Did I think that I was a communicator?  You bet.  Why did I think I had the skills?  Because I could speak clearly in complete sentences.  What more was there to it?  But why did I have communication problems with my first wife?  She was a teacher.  She spoke clearly in complete sentences all day.  That marriage sounds like the perfect match.  Two serious, educated talkers.  What could go wrong?

Issues.  Baggage we bring into our adult life and our relationships.  Every one of us has had some collection of parents and role models that influenced us.  We developed expectations about how to do things right. We may have developed ways of being that allowed us get what we wanted from a withholding world.  We have many habits that we don't even know about ourselves.  And every set of parents had different life mentors, who influenced them in different ways.  A simple example is "proper" procedure for family Christmas gift opening.  "It's proper to get the whole family together on Christmas morning and open the gifts one at a time."
"No, it isn't.  Everyone gets to open one gift on Christmas eve...."
No, You're wrong!  Everyone opens all their gifts all at once on Christmas eve..."
"Nuh-uh! Mom or dad passes out the gifts one at a time..." And so on.

But much more charged issues can revolve around issues like, can a wife smile at the grocery checkout clerk, or can dad stay out for a drink without calling home to say he'll be late?  Does a child being late home from school require a spanking?  How tolerant should family members be about lying?  If alcoholism plagued parents, and inconsistency was the order of the child's life, that grown kid may have a problem identifying normality.  Strangely, people with hard upbringings find each other.  They seem to find comfort in the company of a similarly challenged grown-up.  Comfort doesn't mean they are happy.

I'm speaking of a "comfort zone" that includes negative behaviors that are familiar to the partner--they've seen it in their own lives.  Lying, cheating, trying to explain away bad behavior with fast talking or displays of anger, maybe even hitting.

Identifying and modifying some of these issues will be helpful in making a couple happier with each other, and will make fertile ground for happiness and reasonableness in the home they are creating.  I believe I was an example of a resistant-to-education parent.  I was certain that what I "knew" about life and relationships was "the Truth."  This attitude is a prescription for unhappiness, unreasonableness, and never-ending family conflict. How can this be repaired

Make everyone aware that they have some expectations for how life, marriage, career, child-rearing and adulthood in general should go.  And no one else has the exact same expectations.  Yours are not necessarily right, and neither are anyone else's.  So let's learn to talk about what is up for us and to hear what is up for others.  Without judgement, acknowledge the differences and get help to build a collaborative team framework at allows happiness for all involved.

More to come

"Pursuit of Happiness" - What does that look like?

Years ago, a family friend expressed a Christmas Holiday wish, to to experience a day as happy as the people in  TV beer commercials.  The statement stuck with me.  The question came up for me, if I'm in pursuit of "happiness," what will it look or feel like when I find it?

I would like to be happy, and I wish happiness on everyone.  Is it possible for everyone to be happy at once?  Would that be like big beer party, only happening for a day, then returning to business as usual?  or could happiness be something entirely different.

I began looking into the meaning of "happiness."  "A state of well being and contentment," says Merriam-Webster.  At first, this struck me as underwhelming.  Isn't happiness more like "I got a raise, my team won the championship, my child got a good job, I found a $100 on my walk?"

Tony Robbins talks about "changing your state" when you're down in the dumps.  Simple gestures like throwing your hands out to the side quickly a couple of times, or smiling, will invigorate, release endorphins and make you feel better.  I began smiling, privately, while I walked to work.  I experienced rushes of nice feelings.  I began to notice my thoughts about this phenomenon.

"People will think I'm crazy if they see me smiling by myself, I'd better stop." "I'm upset--I deserve the right to STAY upset--and not use this phony method to 'Change my state.'" Or my internal, striped-shirted referee threw penalty flags into the air. "I'm cheating at life, I'm feeling happy for no reason. There have been no changes in my life to bring me such pleasure, I haven't accomplished something. I don't deserve this!"

I was troubled.  I was feeling better by making little changes.  It cannot be this simple.  Then I read the statement, "Happiness is an attitude you bring with you to your activities."  What!?  Isn't happiness the feeling of success?  Achievement?  Good fortune? A celebration? If the quote is even POSSIBLE, wouldn't that mean that happy person is carrying happiness around with him?

What a thought.
More tomorrow.

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

  

My Project: To create a curriculum for teaching Americans how to communicate in relationships and with their children.  My experience of “Doing the best I could” in my first marriage was a failure.  The goal is to replace “Best I could do” parenting with tools proven successful in making the family unit a safe haven for all the members.  The ultimate goal is for all family members to thrive with family support.

Guiding Belief: Make family satisfaction a common occurrence. The basic experiences of family life, when they are successful, are inherently invigorating: providing guidance, receiving guidance, tackling problems, facing challenges, learning, sharing, speaking your truth, communicating with parents, children, friends, partners, being heard, being understood, growing up - these are the stuff of the good life. They also require the skills to make plans, achieve goals, and cope with obstacles and interpersonal conflict in a way the increases our experience of satisfaction and fulfillment with each step of the journey.

My Plan: America has a sizeable population of dedicated professionals in fields such as:

·                    Therapy-professionals who help you locate, understand and move past blocks, childhood programming and cope with problems.

·                    Life Coaching-These folks push you to success in areas you select.

·                    Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)-The form of “re programming,” eliminating the effect of negative messages in our minds and hearts that hold us back.

·                    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), -A method of reducing the effects of trauma, PTSD, and other limiting experiences, to re-empower us to function as if we had been rebooted and returned to our un-limited selves..

·                    Hypnotherapy-Using a very successful form of relaxation, these specialists can allow you to participate in a process to experience change and growth (you select) without habitual fear.

·                    Nonviolent Communication (NVC)-this technique allows people in conflict to learn each others unmet needs, and address these often unspoken issues that block earnest attempts at reaching agreement or reconciliation.

I will collect representatives from these and other fields. I will invite authors of communication and parenting books to add to the accrued expertise.  Together, we will create a system of instruction that will be conducted by professionals certified in our discipline.  The Instruction will (This doesn't cost much at all - there are services that will essentially do these on demand - trivial costs compared to the rest of the program)also be made available on DVD and booklet form for self study—One set for the professional practitioners, the other for non-transformational field clients.  The goal will be to provide The Missing Manuals for Successful Marriage and Parenting that have been sought after for so long.

The actions that need to take place are:

·        Contacting and enrolling approximately 20 professionals and authors spanning the contributing fields, sharing the Guiding Belief  in direction

·        Determining the subject areas to be addressed in materials

·        Collaborating on the subject matter and approach

·        Hiring a writer—perhaps from within the group, to create the materials

·        Videotaping sessions, role-play and instructions

·        Enlist an actor or professional speaker to narrate the materials onto DVD.

My Motivation: In many American homes, spouses’ and parents’ communication is guided primarily by their individual experiences and expectations. These are good people, who often happen to lack a personal history of successful family communication in stressful situations. When they are faced with difficult and challenging moments, they find themselves unable to connect with their children or spouse, and get frustrated, angry, or even violent and depressed.. The other person also gets upset and a negative cycle gets built which they do not know how to break out of or resolve.

This is not only a social concern, it is personal to me. I’ve been that kid; I’ve been that parent. As a child caught in the cycle of violence, I attempted to fend for myself, developing patterns to keep my parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no emotional support except from peers. As a parent, I have become so upset and stressed out that yelling, dominating, spanking and eventually giving up - to the detriment of my wife and children, were all I knew how to do.

I have also been blessed to learn new skills to become a supportive parent.  Not perfect, of course, but a vastly happier and more communicative Dad,  whose kid comes to him for solace and celebration still, as an adult. 

How many Americans fall prey to the belief that their family struggles are just the way life is? That they have no real choice in the matter? I want to provide them that choice. There are tools available that everyone can learn and use to keep communication open, and have fulfillment become a regular and growing part of their lives!

The situation is clear, and dire. If we do not offer a better choice to people, if this common pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality is that our families will continue to deteriorate. The trend will continue towards ever shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce.  

Debating the various possible causes doesn't help.  Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system, increasing symptoms of PTSD from combat, abuse, incarceration becoming accepted as "normal," direct intervention is a must. Without learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home.  Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to.  The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication.  A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or a parent’s workaholism.  Happiness will be more than a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.

The Strangest Story Blows My Mind

My brother Mark's ex-wife, now a very successful writer, told him a memory from her own childhood.  One evening, very young Shelly was unable to sleep.  She called to her dad and expressed her concern.  He said, "Well, Honey, why don't you turn on your lamp and read until you get sleepy."  I have been reciting the story over and over in my mind for four or five days since reading it.  My brother added that our parents would have taken failure to fall asleep as an affront to their authority.  I think if we had such an event, we would have remained silent, not sought their counsel.  Below is an email I sent him as I continue to stew over this story's impact on me.

I keep stirring this blown-mind issue over this wonderful story of your Ex.  I'm not done assessing it's impact on me.  It occurs to me that your evaluation was important in my grokking my amazement at this parental gesture from a parallel universe. Your noting that our folks would have taken this situation as an affront to their authority was clear and precise.  Good eye.  Well said.

I'm troubled that I never had such a solution even occur to me as one I'd reject.  I'm pleased with the changes I wrought on myself after being hard on stepsons Eddie and Steve, then being  human, thoughtful, and communicative with natural son Jake.  I took to heart the idea that we have more control of our responses to events than we are often told.  Example: your child runs into the street as car approaches, you run out and snatch the little one from tragedy, then paddle him ferociously for nearly getting killed, and for putting you through this emotional experience. Awakened approach: Kid runs into street, you runout and snatch him up and return to sidewalk.  You hug him while you catch your breath, think about what just happened and what could have happened, and you tell him "oh my gosh, don't run out into the street like that.  It's very dangerous.  You scared me.  I was so afraid you'd be terribly hurt and have to spend a long time in the hospital getting well from being hit by a car.  I'd be very sad that you were so hurt.  The street is a place for cars to drive and kid need to stay on the sidewalk to be safe."

I remember that I brought Jake a bowl of hot cereal to his bedside each morning.  I was mildly concerned that we would have an Oatmeal Accident, but we went through several uneventful years before he one morning he changed position and dropped the bowl on his comforter.  All my concern over the past years came back to mind, I looked at the small mess, there was no injury, no burns.  Jake looked at me for a response, I took a moment, considered everything in my thoughts, then said, "Well, we've been doing this for years, and this is the first accident.  I think our ratio of success to failure is very good."  We cleaned it up and I made him another bowl. I thought about changing the arrangement, but I don't think we did.  I think I made more certain that he was positioned where he wanted to be.

I think about helping parents find happiness in smaller doses than the longed for "ship coming in" resulting in  abounding wealth and happiness. Jon Kabat-Zinn (Howard's son-in-law) writes of his three year old daughter getting ready for pre-school each morning.  She would bring out two or three dresses to consider wearing that day, and would seek Dad's advice.  This daily procedure would irk dad, he would urge her to make the choice, or try to make it for her, and the wonderfulness of parenthood would escape him.  When he noticed how upset he was, and how resolved she was to go through this routine, he made a change.  They adjusted sleeping and waking hours to accommodate the morning ritual. He was able to appreciate her eye and her dedication to looking and feeling right about her daily look.  He got to enjoy her routine without concern for being late, and recalls the time-adjusted period with great fondness.