Creating Warm, Supportive Families - By Any Means Possible

Language for Lovers: Healing Conflicts

2011-05-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

What is a somatic (physical) memory? How does it figure in parenting?

2010-12-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

A somatic memory is a memory stored in a special part of the brain. Not the remember-the-phone-number conscious part. The unconscious catch-the-football part of the brain. Jerry Rice trained in a specially designed way to compensate for a lack of speed (by NFL standards.) He was known for being the hardest working player in the sport. He developed the ability to change direction without signaling to the skilled eyes of professional defenders. He practiced running pass patterns while defended against by two and three defensive backs. He ran for a touchdown after each practice reception. Jerry Rice was disciplined, he installed somatic memories for performing brilliantly, and kept updating them to stay ahead of the competition.

Nature also records safety advice so we don't have to "remember" it. Two boys, 14 years of age race across a darkened parking lot after attending a night game with their families. Dashing through the dim light, they see the car across the lot. Suddenly, they come to an abrupt stop. One boy is on his back, dizzy, pained, and looking up at the stars. He raises his head to see the soles of his buddy's feet up in the air, having tripped across a two-foot-high cable. The buddy is stunned, squinting in the darkness to see what stopped them. "You OK?" they each ask. They get up, compare torn clothes, bruises and bloodiness. Then they inspect the cable that separated two otherwise connected car lots. They limp onward to the car, charley-horses worsening for each of them. 50 years later these men will not run across unfamiliar terrain. Their bodies will automatically slow down these enthusiastic competitors before they give it any thought. It's nature's safety device.

Then there are the stored physical memories of terror that overwhelm the body's natural defenses. These stowed away memories move the person into an automatic action or mode to save his life. Military combat training is intended to keep a warrior functioning effectively during inconceivable danger and unconscionable mayhem and death. For thousands of years, combat veterans have had issues about returning to civilian life after hostilities cease. Western medicine is only recently tackling this wounding of the warrior soul.

Perhaps a surprise issue, noticed by professionals dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) among veterans, is the discovery that this malady can be found in adults who were abused in childhood. The resulting, lingering "safety device" behaviors might be seen by family members as bad life choices, inability to follow sound advice or weaknesses of character. But actually, the body remembers being overwhelmed by danger in the home, and created triggers to avoid danger that are very effective, but poorly defined. These hard-wired memories may contain no pictures, just frustrating cattle prods to steer the adult away from what the young child's body interpreted as danger.

In my own "case," I served in the military in a non-combat role, but my difficulties at birth and in my first two months of life set me up for susceptibility to further traumatization by harsh physical discipline. The creation of PTSD may have been in those first two months, with the discipline piling on for additional effect. And I'm being treated for it successfully, 60 years later. How was it affecting me all my life? Next.

Body Memories (Those physical memories from events)

2010-08-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some work on my PTSD. I had mistakenly credited it solely to harsh discipline as a young child. But it started with my breech birth. My birth required turning me in the womb before bringing me out shoulder first. Then in the first several weeks my stomach stopped letting my food into my small intestine. I was starving, losing weight, with salts and other body systems pushed out of whack. The malfunctioning stomach valve was operated on at 8 weeks. The difficult birth, malfunctioning stomach and surgery act together to traumatize a newborn.

In a normal birth, the infant is positioned correctly, and when the time is right, he/she begins to stretch and push off while pointed at the exit. The mother's natural waves of contractions aid the expulsion. The turned-around little guy has the same instincts as the normally positioned baby (to push off, seek the exit with his head, and to begin twisting to start the corkscrew movement through the birth canal.) But the breeched little body registers that something is wrong. There appears to be no exit, the contractions are not helping, the little being has a survival instinct that goes into overdrive against the physical confusion. When the doctor, midwife, helper must reach up into the birth canal to reposition the baby, this is not part of "instinct."

The baby's emergency system kicks in. It feels the unnatural force being applied, including grabbing and pulling. Its protective reaction is to tense up, to freeze, to flex to keep the body together because it appears to be getting pulled apart. Getting the baby out is necessary, or baby and mother will die. But the newborn has a physical memory of a near-death experience that was averted by freezing. Trauma expert Peter A. Levine describes freezing as if a driver were to floor the car accelerator and step heavily on the brake simultaneously. Massive opposing forces clashing. The baby's amygdala records "When things don't go right--FREEZE!" There is NO CONSCIOUS MEMORY at all. Baby appears to remember nothing about the incident. But the little nervous system develops titanium neuro-wiring of the life-saving actions taken by the body, and remembers for all time, to be used whenever "something scary" presents itself.

The definition of "something scary," the trigger, may be as simple as "any novelty." The young nervous system is seconds old, has NO experience, yet wires in beyond the reach of the conscious mind a life-saving procedure that might remain in effect for an entire life. It's reachable to reverse, but by specific methods that take advantage of the body's natural desire to release itself from the accelerator/brake freezing response.

Here's a link to an article I enjoyed on this topic:
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/did/111512

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting?

2010-06-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting? Interferes with giving thought to learning how to parent more reasonably?

Unhappiness.

What kind of unhappiness do many of us feel? Maybe we're not where we would like to be financially, or on the career ladder. Maybe we're having trouble communicating with our spouse, and it's taking a toll on us. Maybe we're "settling" somewhere in our existence that is eating at us. Maybe we're angry, or feeling helpless.

When I was a step-parent in my first marriage, I was unhappy with my job, I changed careers, then I met my first wife and changed back. For my first eight years of parenting, I was in law enforcement. I think cops have an unusually hard time leaving the job at the office. The rate of alcoholism and divorce is among the highest for this career. They bring the necessities for survival home with them, the gun and the attitude. I was hard-headed and believed I was always right. Some remarkable men and women pull off civilized parenting under those conditions, but more cops are unnecessarily harsh with their kids than the general parent populace. But I'm talking here to parents who suspect or know that they want better communication with their spouse or with their kids.

We all hear that the most important thing in any relationship is communication. We could have gotten that test question right ever since high school. Did I think that I was a communicator? You bet. Why did I think I had the skills? Because I could speak clearly in complete sentences. What more was there to it? But why did I have communication problems with my first wife? She was a teacher. She spoke clearly in complete sentences all day. That marriage sounds like the perfect match. Two serious, educated talkers. What could go wrong?

Issues. Baggage we bring into our adult life and our relationships. Every one of us has had some collection of parents and role models that influenced us. We developed expectations about how to do things right. We may have developed ways of being that allowed us get what we wanted from a withholding world. We have many habits that we don't even know about ourselves. And every set of parents had different life mentors, who influenced them in different ways. A simple example is "proper" procedure for family Christmas gift opening. "It's proper to get the whole family together on Christmas morning and open the gifts one at a time."
"No, it isn't. Everyone gets to open one gift on Christmas eve...."
No, You're wrong! Everyone opens all their gifts all at once on Christmas eve..."
"Nuh-uh! Mom or dad passes out the gifts one at a time..." And so on.

But much more charged issues can revolve around issues like, can a wife smile at the grocery checkout clerk, or can dad stay out for a drink without calling home to say he'll be late? Does a child being late home from school require a spanking? How tolerant should family members be about lying? If alcoholism plagued parents, and inconsistency was the order of the child's life, that grown kid may have a problem identifying normality. Strangely, people with hard upbringings find each other. They seem to find comfort in the company of a similarly challenged grown-up. Comfort doesn't mean they are happy.

I'm speaking of a "comfort zone" that includes negative behaviors that are familiar to the partner--they've seen it in their own lives. Lying, cheating, trying to explain away bad behavior with fast talking or displays of anger, maybe even hitting.

Identifying and modifying some of these issues will be helpful in making a couple happier with each other, and will make fertile ground for happiness and reasonableness in the home they are creating. I believe I was an example of a resistant-to-education parent. I was certain that what I "knew" about life and relationships was "the Truth." This attitude is a prescription for unhappiness, unreasonableness, and never-ending family conflict. How can this be repaired

Make everyone aware that they have some expectations for how life, marriage, career, child-rearing and adulthood in general should go. And no one else has the exact same expectations. Yours are not necessarily right, and neither are anyone else's. So let's learn to talk about what is up for us and to hear what is up for others. Without judgement, acknowledge the differences and get help to build a collaborative team framework at allows happiness for all involved.

More to come

"Pursuit of Happiness" - What does that look like?

2010-04-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

Years ago, a family friend expressed a Christmas Holiday wish, to to experience a day as happy as the people in TV beer commercials. The statement stuck with me. The question came up for me, if I'm in pursuit of "happiness," what will it look or feel like when I find it?

I would like to be happy, and I wish happiness on everyone. Is it possible for everyone to be happy at once? Would that be like big beer party, only happening for a day, then returning to business as usual? or could happiness be something entirely different.

I began looking into the meaning of "happiness." "A state of well being and contentment," says Merriam-Webster. At first, this struck me as underwhelming. Isn't happiness more like "I got a raise, my team won the championship, my child got a good job, I found a $100 on my walk?"

Tony Robbins talks about "changing your state" when you're down in the dumps. Simple gestures like throwing your hands out to the side quickly a couple of times, or smiling, will invigorate, release endorphins and make you feel better. I began smiling, privately, while I walked to work. I experienced rushes of nice feelings. I began to notice my thoughts about this phenomenon.

"People will think I'm crazy if they see me smiling by myself, I'd better stop." "I'm upset--I deserve the right to STAY upset--and not use this phony method to 'Change my state.'" Or my internal, striped-shirted referee threw penalty flags into the air. "I'm cheating at life, I'm feeling happy for no reason. There have been no changes in my life to bring me such pleasure, I haven't accomplished something. I don't deserve this!"

I was troubled. I was feeling better by making little changes. It cannot be this simple. Then I read the statement, "Happiness is an attitude you bring with you to your activities." What!? Isn't happiness the feeling of success? Achievement? Good fortune? A celebration? If the quote is even POSSIBLE, wouldn't that mean that happy person is carrying happiness around with him?

What a thought.
More tomorrow.

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

2010-04-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

My Project: To create a curriculum for teaching Americans how to communicate in relationships and with their children. My experience of “Doing the best I could” in my first marriage was a failure. The goal is to replace “Best I could do” parenting with tools proven successful in making the family unit a safe haven for all the members. The ultimate goal is for all family members to thrive with family support.

Guiding Belief: Make family satisfaction a common occurrence. The basic experiences of family life, when they are successful, are inherently invigorating: providing guidance, receiving guidance, tackling problems, facing challenges, learning, sharing, speaking your truth, communicating with parents, children, friends, partners, being heard, being understood, growing up - these are the stuff of the good life. They also require the skills to make plans, achieve goals, and cope with obstacles and interpersonal conflict in a way the increases our experience of satisfaction and fulfillment with each step of the journey.

My Plan: America has a sizeable population of dedicated professionals in fields such as:

· Therapy-professionals who help you locate, understand and move past blocks, childhood programming and cope with problems.

· Life Coaching-These folks push you to success in areas you select.

· Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)-The form of “re programming,” eliminating the effect of negative messages in our minds and hearts that hold us back.

· Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), -A method of reducing the effects of trauma, PTSD, and other limiting experiences, to re-empower us to function as if we had been rebooted and returned to our un-limited selves..

· Hypnotherapy-Using a very successful form of relaxation, these specialists can allow you to participate in a process to experience change and growth (you select) without habitual fear.

· Nonviolent Communication (NVC)-this technique allows people in conflict to learn each others unmet needs, and address these often unspoken issues that block earnest attempts at reaching agreement or reconciliation.

I will collect representatives from these and other fields. I will invite authors of communication and parenting books to add to the accrued expertise. Together, we will create a system of instruction that will be conducted by professionals certified in our discipline. The Instruction will (This doesn't cost much at all - there are services that will essentially do these on demand - trivial costs compared to the rest of the program)also be made available on DVD and booklet form for self study—One set for the professional practitioners, the other for non-transformational field clients. The goal will be to provide The Missing Manuals for Successful Marriage and Parenting that have been sought after for so long.

The actions that need to take place are:

· Contacting and enrolling approximately 20 professionals and authors spanning the contributing fields, sharing the Guiding Belief in direction

· Determining the subject areas to be addressed in materials

· Collaborating on the subject matter and approach

· Hiring a writer—perhaps from within the group, to create the materials

· Videotaping sessions, role-play and instructions

· Enlist an actor or professional speaker to narrate the materials onto DVD.

My Motivation: In many American homes, spouses’ and parents’ communication is guided primarily by their individual experiences and expectations. These are good people, who often happen to lack a personal history of successful family communication in stressful situations. When they are faced with difficult and challenging moments, they find themselves unable to connect with their children or spouse, and get frustrated, angry, or even violent and depressed.. The other person also gets upset and a negative cycle gets built which they do not know how to break out of or resolve.

This is not only a social concern, it is personal to me. I’ve been that kid; I’ve been that parent. As a child caught in the cycle of violence, I attempted to fend for myself, developing patterns to keep my parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no emotional support except from peers. As a parent, I have become so upset and stressed out that yelling, dominating, spanking and eventually giving up - to the detriment of my wife and children, were all I knew how to do.

I have also been blessed to learn new skills to become a supportive parent. Not perfect, of course, but a vastly happier and more communicative Dad, whose kid comes to him for solace and celebration still, as an adult.

How many Americans fall prey to the belief that their family struggles are just the way life is? That they have no real choice in the matter? I want to provide them that choice. There are tools available that everyone can learn and use to keep communication open, and have fulfillment become a regular and growing part of their lives!

The situation is clear, and dire. If we do not offer a better choice to people, if this common pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality is that our families will continue to deteriorate. The trend will continue towards ever shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce.

Debating the various possible causes doesn't help. Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system, increasing symptoms of PTSD from combat, abuse, incarceration becoming accepted as "normal," direct intervention is a must. Without learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home. Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to. The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication. A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or a parent’s workaholism. Happiness will be more than a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.

The Strangest Story Blows My Mind

2010-03-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

My brother Mark's ex-wife, now a very successful writer, told him a memory from her own childhood. One evening, very young Shelly was unable to sleep. She called to her dad and expressed her concern. He said, "Well, Honey, why don't you turn on your lamp and read until you get sleepy." I have been reciting the story over and over in my mind for four or five days since reading it. My brother added that our parents would have taken failure to fall asleep as an affront to their authority. I think if we had such an event, we would have remained silent, not sought their counsel. Below is an email I sent him as I continue to stew over this story's impact on me.

I keep stirring this blown-mind issue over this wonderful story of your Ex. I'm not done assessing it's impact on me. It occurs to me that your evaluation was important in my grokking my amazement at this parental gesture from a parallel universe. Your noting that our folks would have taken this situation as an affront to their authority was clear and precise. Good eye. Well said.

I'm troubled that I never had such a solution even occur to me as one I'd reject. I'm pleased with the changes I wrought on myself after being hard on stepsons Eddie and Steve, then being human, thoughtful, and communicative with natural son Jake. I took to heart the idea that we have more control of our responses to events than we are often told. Example: your child runs into the street as car approaches, you run out and snatch the little one from tragedy, then paddle him ferociously for nearly getting killed, and for putting you through this emotional experience. Awakened approach: Kid runs into street, you runout and snatch him up and return to sidewalk. You hug him while you catch your breath, think about what just happened and what could have happened, and you tell him "oh my gosh, don't run out into the street like that. It's very dangerous. You scared me. I was so afraid you'd be terribly hurt and have to spend a long time in the hospital getting well from being hit by a car. I'd be very sad that you were so hurt. The street is a place for cars to drive and kid need to stay on the sidewalk to be safe."

I remember that I brought Jake a bowl of hot cereal to his bedside each morning. I was mildly concerned that we would have an Oatmeal Accident, but we went through several uneventful years before he one morning he changed position and dropped the bowl on his comforter. All my concern over the past years came back to mind, I looked at the small mess, there was no injury, no burns. Jake looked at me for a response, I took a moment, considered everything in my thoughts, then said, "Well, we've been doing this for years, and this is the first accident. I think our ratio of success to failure is very good." We cleaned it up and I made him another bowl. I thought about changing the arrangement, but I don't think we did. I think I made more certain that he was positioned where he wanted to be.

I think about helping parents find happiness in smaller doses than the longed for "ship coming in" resulting in abounding wealth and happiness. Jon Kabat-Zinn (Howard's son-in-law) writes of his three year old daughter getting ready for pre-school each morning. She would bring out two or three dresses to consider wearing that day, and would seek Dad's advice. This daily procedure would irk dad, he would urge her to make the choice, or try to make it for her, and the wonderfulness of parenthood would escape him. When he noticed how upset he was, and how resolved she was to go through this routine, he made a change. They adjusted sleeping and waking hours to accommodate the morning ritual. He was able to appreciate her eye and her dedication to looking and feeling right about her daily look. He got to enjoy her routine without concern for being late, and recalls the time-adjusted period with great fondness.

I am an Adrenalin Junkie

2010-01-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm working on my own experience from early trauma (harsh physical discipline-beating)

Had a couple of big ahas this week. A friend pointed out that trauma survivors will often choose high adrenalin professions: cop, fireman..night-time taxi driver.

I brought that nugget to counseling. I was happiest as a deputy sheriff while working at the most violent facility. Eight alarms per shift, each responded to as if a deputy's life depended on the speed of showing up. As a taxi-driver, I drank cups of coffee and bottles of Mountain Dew and Jolt Cola, kept myself amped and made a living while keeping safe, but ever vigilant. I was/am an adrenalin junkie. I do not sky dive, bungee-jump or hang glide. I do tell stories of anxious moments in my life, or dangerous-violent scenes of movies by engaging my own nervous system in a fraught reproduction of the emotions of the participants. I also describe parental brutality with occasional quick slaps of my hands that crank me up and startle onlookers. Counselor said, "You're showing me what was done to you."

I attempt to enroll people into my plan to eliminate violence from parenting by including some ferocious displays of parental anger or frustration, which actually is me putting myself into the agitated state where I am so comfortable. It's like momentarily resetting my agitation level to my "normal," which is vigilance turned way up, preparation for being attacked is in place. Sometimes it is interpreted as "my passion," but I actually don't know how many people might find it scary. It's also exhausting and stressful, not serving me at all.

I actually only noticed the anxiety when I felt it in counseling. Here I was, sitting quietly talking, then I was suddenly cranked. I may have been recalling something, and noticed that felt like I was standing at the edge of the roof of a building, I was so anxious. What I realized yesterday, was that I was doing that all the time, and not noticing it. If I told a story of someone facing a rushing locomotive, I tried to make myself and my audience feel the fear by my telling. If I had no one to tell a story to, I could recall it to myself. I might jerk with the shock of being hit by the locomotive, or by an attacker, or ferociously respond to a daydreamed attack, putting myself into the "fright or fight" mode. But I was putting myself into that anxious place.

I realized I had also been denying myself the comfort of reclining on my couch. Counselor says, "Why don't you try it at home this week?" "OK."

So I laid down to watch a movie. About a team of American soldiers in Iraq whose job was to defuse bombs. So maybe I missed the point of the exercise. This week I'll try it again, with maybe a comedy.

Please Be a Part of the Handing Down Happiness Project.

2009-12-05T15:27:00.000-08:00

I am concerned about American society. I know I'm not alone. We drown in media that tells us about war, home invasions, murders, drive-by shootings and fires, day after day. In American homes, spouses and parents communicate guided by their individual personal experiences and expectations, with no pattern of guidance to direct them toward compatibility and collaboration. Children often fend for themselves, developing patterns to keep parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no support except from peers. Frustrated parents try to connect. How many involved can fall prey to the belief that this unsatisfying struggle is...life?

If this pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality of family will continue to deteriorate. The result will be shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce. To debate the various possible causes doesn't help. Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system or other options, without direct intervention, including learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where there are media reports of people doing good, where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home. Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to. What if life were other than a sentence of rowing upstream, worrying, rowing, capsizing, rowing harder and having the expectation of toil until either death or retirement. Imagine life as one writer put it, guiding the canoe downstream from destination to destination. The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication. A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or Dad's workaholism. Happiness won't be a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.

The Handing Down Happiness project is a plan to spread the wealth of wisdom that grandparents have accumulated. We'll use video snippets of Grandma and/or Grandpa passing along some "experience" they've grown from, some changes in attitude that they wish they'd made years earlier. If they've picked up a thing or two, why not pass it on. We'll provide technical support. We'll also help the wise realize they have something of value to add to the mix. Please be a part of it.

2009-12-05T12:33:00.000-08:00

I have learned some things in my life. I'm happier now than I used to be. Happy is now my default way of being. And the sensation isn't what I used to think it was. It's nice to jump to my feet when my team wins the Super Bowl, but that's something else. A moment of excitement. What I am experiencing is quieter. Kind of like the pleasure of seeing your child graduate, or being publicly thanked for your work. A warm place. A nice place to spend time. Troubles still happen, deaths in the family, grief is still real, but where I return to is the nice place. I'd like to help others find this nice place.

I thought I was unique. Ha! As I talk with my 60+ year old contemporaries, I find we have all gone through many growth experiences. We have all looked into spirituality, self-development, or ways to help US society. My high school classmates have been working on themselves as well. Many of us discovered ways of being that allow us to be freer or more focused, appreciative, relaxed and in different ways, happier.

What do you say we make US families happier?

2009-10-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've been imagining a curriculum, a collection of courses, using the skills and knowledge of experienced professionals and experienced laymen and women to transform the US Family from overworked, harried, exhausted, angry, or struggling collections of folks sharing a roof, into calm, happy, supportive, collaborative, cooperative and loving collections of related people.

My first thought is to focus on re-framing or re-defining happiness. Happiness requires no purchase, requires no achievement, no attainment of a goal. Happiness is a decision about how to be. That sounds too simple. That's why there would need to be a course or two. Our culture, our media discourages the belief that happiness is possible without a promotion, a raise, a new relationship, a new car, or a vacation in Bali.

Some courses would help to understand the rational appearance of anger and its healthy influence on our lives. Expressing anger to fix an unmet need (like Nonviolent Communication teaches.)

Courses on communication would be available too. There are great books and courses with helpful advice and exercises to guide people to set personal boundaries, get agreement, disperse upsets before they become cause for divorce or assault & battery.

Where I went wrong, and I believe other families go askew is believing that what "feels right" in the parent's imagination (based on personal history & tavern-logic) is actually the best course of action. There is no American Parenting Methodology based on success of raising generations of healthy, scholarly, responsible, literate and involved citizens.

For many, US parenting is an arduous, unsatisfying, angering, limiting, challenging, 24/7 sentence for life. Let's change that.

What if family life became an opportunity to report the successes, challenges and failures of the day to a loving, supportive audience. Mom and Dad are eager to get home, and share. To find out how the kids are. To hold everyone, hug everyone, to hold everyone accountable for their actions and offer guidance for improvement. I used the term "transform" earlier. That's what it would require. But the information is available, it needs to become more accessible and an accepted pattern of behavior. Imagine receiving the RSVP, "We can't make it Monday, that's our 'Family Success' night, how about Tuesday?"

Why We Choose Partners Who Are Wrong For Us, Again

2009-09-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Human Nature's Amazing Technology: The Dovetail Radar.

Why does violence occur in couples, and between parents and children?

It starts with upbringing. If beaten for years, by either a raging, drunken parent or a sober, impassioned disciplinarian, there will be some wires crossed about the propriety of physical punishment. In my conversations with adult beaten-kids, I have come across only two who claim to have never struck their children. While I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of their claims, I suspect they were unable to provide a dream of a communicative home. People who are abused physically, mentally, or are raised in the presence of it, are injured, or "dented."

How do couples who beat, or tolerate beating, find each other?

I call a skill possessed by humans “The Dovetail Radar.” I’m dented by my childhood experience with violence. I’m perhaps a 6 on a scale of 10. Ten being survivors of genocide in Sudan or The Holocaust. The radar I describe allows us to spot people who are dented to a degree similar to our own. I believe this trait is the most accurate intuitive force possessed by humans.

People who live in a frightening place—like a violent home—learn patterns of self-preservation, like lying, deceiving, rebelling, attacking, tantrums, rage, or effusive praise, saccharine facades, propriety, shyness, reserve and charm combined in many ways. Suppose a young woman has been regularly beaten, whipped through childhood. Suppose her “score” was an 8 on our fictitious scale. She has learned to conceal her interests, or believes she has no interests, because long ago she found personal interests were dangerous. They got her beaten. She lies about many things. It keeps her safe. She conceals her truth to avoid provoking rage in others.

She meets a boy raised in a home where conversation between family members was supportive, and remains so into his adulthood. Let's call his score on our Radar scale a 2. When these two hang around for an afternoon, she finds him weird because he talks so openly about himself, and he asks questions about her. And he frowns often and tilts his lead like a puppy in a TV commercial.

He finds her strange, rambling on with inconsequential dramas. She seems mad at people. There’s something in her that repels him, even though she’s really pretty. She doesn't feel genuine. Here we have the pair of radars, the girl with a score of 8, and the guy with a score of 2. They will not "Dovetail." The 2 (healthier relationships) detects evasive answers and improbable descriptions coming from the 8. The 8 finds the 2 naive and uninteresting.

Those with lower scores, more familiar with telling their truth, revealing their desires and interests to supportive family, will find the game-playing of the 8’s irritating, dramatic, and unfulfilling. There’s no quickening of the heartbeat, no blip on the their radars.

Ms 8 does find a bigger than life, handsome ladies-man VERY cute, and he knows how to talk to her. Another 8. He has developed charm, fake sweetness and deception. To her, he is ELECTRIC. He seems to really appreciate her. They don’t know about the dark sides of each other's families, but somehow the attraction is powerful. For reasons unknown to them, they are all over each other (they'd call it animal magnetism) Like the carpenter's joint interlocking two pieces of wood—they “dovetail,” like lacing fingers. They just FIT.

But for the two 8s, life starts intruding on their passion, and darkness appears. One may lie, cheat or rage. The other sticks around, comfortable with drama, hoping things will change, putting up, believing, raging, heart breaking, but persisting. Scores can even result from different parental methods. She, viciously beaten, locked in her room, deprived of food for punishment. He, threatened, told he was worthless, stupid, ignorant, watched his mother beaten by his father and other men in her life. The radar we all possess, will find mates that have similar scores.

Counseling, growth, achievement, increased self esteem through therapy, courses and other interventions will change these patterns and make healthy relationships possible. Honest.

I've Lost My Little Boy!!

2009-09-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

My Worst Nightmare

Baggage. The stuff from childhood. My personal strangeness includes wanting no one to overhear my conversation. I have no story for it. I fear humiliation.

This weakness became clear to me when my young step-kids would ask me questions while riding on the bus. I was afraid some nearby Muni-rider would snort at my answer. So I would tell the boys to stop asking questions.

Years later, my natural son, about three, and I went to a small sandbox in the Marina district of San Francisco. After a few minutes, I noticed he wasn't in view. I called his name and there was no answer. If you ever wonder what an anxiety attack feels like, this is it.

“Jake!” He had started looking for me and walked away. He came running. I hugged my little guy and told him how afraid I had been. “We need to work out a way that when we feel lost, we don't go looking. That can get us really lost. We call out, "DAD!" or "Son!!"

“OK, Dad.”

We went shopping at the Marina Safeway. While I went from item to item down an aisle, I heard "DAD!" My little reseacher was testing this system.

"Over here!"

"Dad!"

I could hear his calmness, so my wits stayed put. “I’m standing in the middle of an aisle, go to the end and look down the aisles toward my voice.” We just spent a few seconds re-connecting. For a grown man with a fear of public humiliation, I decided the terror at the sandbox was worse than anything. I couldn't have that happen again. No one seemed troubled by our system. Not that I looked. I also started answering his questions while riding the Muni.

Is Corporal Punishment Different Than Corporate Punishment?

2009-09-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

What is the proper use of corporal punishment?

Example Silly Scenario

1. The vice president of the corporation holds a meeting of managers in his division. When he says that we need to communicate better with our subordinates, a senior manager says, "I think we need a good example to follow, to imitate." The VP demands, "Are you suggesting I'm not setting the tone!?" The senior manager sheepishly looks down. The VP lunges forward, grabs the senior manager, lifts her out of her chair, presses her over the table and delivers three ferocious paddles to her rear end. He releases her and orders her back to her office until she repairs her attitude.

The VP is attempting to develop the latest methods for teamwork, for focus, for an engaged staff by conducting these meetings. His goal is increased profitability in his division by raising the morale of the employees. The senior manager made a statement that seemed to challenge the VP's authority and his methods. What he says, goes. He will not brook insubordination.

Have you ever seen this kind of action in a corporate meeting? In a public meeting? In a private meeting of adults? When would this behavior be acceptable?

But you knew all along, didn't you? The Senior Manager, age 32...is the VP's daughter.

The Positives ( I guess) of the action:

S.Mgr learns not to surprise the boss,

Learns not to embarrass him in front of other subordinates.

Team learns that VP will not tolerate challenge. Just act agreeable at work.

Team learns that suggestions could be dangerous, so hold them back.

Better to just go along with the VP's program, and don't recommend adjustments.

Subordinates will learn to love the boss when they adapt to keeping quiet and avoiding appearance of challenge.
The Negatives of the action:

Daughter learns she can not speak her truth.

Team learns that work is not the place to speak your truth.

Truth-telling time should be confined to (away from job) get-togethers with peers.

Truth-telling will be met with forceful suppression.

If the VP's program is really not working, no one will come tell him.

Corporal punishment drives a wedge between the VP and his direct reports.

What other pros and cons do you see?

Now, imagine the meeting took place at the daughter's tenth birthday party. Same script. Would the pros and cons be different? Would your attitude be different?

"Scarring" your child -- What Does That Even MEAN?

2009-09-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

As I sit among folks and talk about kids and grandkids, I'm struck by the variety of opinions about what "discipline" is, what little kids should expect to be exposed to in the molding process.

I have used the term "scar a child," and I am imagining some recoiling by parents who wonder what could I be talking about. Scarring is a dramatic term. But Merriam Webster defines it, "A lasting moral or emotional injury." So am I picturing a whimpering child, adolescent and eventually adult who assumes the fetal position and sucks his thumb for ever? No. Kids learn to hide these injuries, and grow into damaged citizens who seek therapy or beat their own kids. I believe some parents are clueless about types of training appropriate for maintaining household order. But what can we expect if we let every parent try to re-invent the wheel.

Does corporal punishment scar kids? When you bark at or rage at kids, and they stay out of your way, have you succeeded in developing a responsible person? Research shows that when the normal "fight or flight" response is active for prolonged periods, or constantly, in a child, the child's brain will develop "wiring" connections that are abnormal. The results can include instant violence without thought--automatic resort to violence.

A child raised with adrenalin pumping will grow into an adult with responses developed during prolonged fear. This often results not only in violence, but also resistance to taking reasonable adult action, e.g., getting an education, seeking employment, communicating with a spouse or a child. Confrontation, criticism and attempts at guidance may trigger aggravation and violence before the man can even consider the possibility of change and growth.

No sane parent wants that for their child. The moral or emotional injuries that come from bursts of parental anger have after-effects for the child that can influence quality of life, relationships and future choices unforeseeable by the pissed-off parent. Now, how do we convince millions of parents that the anger and need to corporally discipline (like THEY were disciplined) ISN"T OK, and doesn't bring about the intelligent, authentic, courageous, open, warm, loving and supportive man and woman they hope for?

Would You Know a Loving Parent If You Saw One?

2009-09-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

What Does a Loving Parent Look Like?

If you were to counsel a young cousin, someone you have regard for, great hopes for, familial love for, but no accumulated, day-to-day emotional stuff/baggage, how would you address them? Would you would be nice, warm, and supportive? When you see their concern about some issue, would you take time to ask about it, and listen to the responses? Wouldn't it be wonderful to hear years later that your kind attention and calm advice was very important to them. Imagine that kind of focus on your own kid, daily--or close to daily. What an amazing start to creating the safe haven I propose.

Imagine yourself having a child, and striving every day to be warm, supportive and loving. You sit with him and talk with him about his day--he might ask you about your day. When a behavior by your youngster troubles you, you might guide the conversation around to the behaviour you would like to eliminate. Talk about it. No lecture. Hear her explanation about why the behavior happened. Consider, was it more reasonable than you thought? Was the result of the behavior satisfying to the youngster? Did it make you sad, or mad, or disappointed? Could you get them thinking about alternative actions? Maybe they'd think of one that they would find satisfying and you wouldn't object to. Make it a visionquest of a conversation. Be open to a solution coming from the little one. If he doesn't produce the "answer," he will know that you were asking seriously, seeking an answer, and not preaching.

You could even incite your little angel to...think about it...and get back to you.

A Review of Dr. Tick's book on PTSD

2009-09-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

I was reading the praise, by multiple veterans, for Dr. Tick's book. This review moved me, thought I'd share.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

The Way Home for Our Veterans, November 30, 2007

By	Remy Benoit (Louisiana United States) - See all my reviews

Back in the world.
Often within 24-48 hours.
It is over--
It is never over.

Now you are:
son--daughter
mom--dad
husband--wife
friend--lover
You are home.
It is over--
It is never over.

Rank does not matter anymore. The decisions are yours now. Yet those with whom you served are forever, inextricably, a part of you.

When you went in country, wherever that was, the you who went in was a different you than the you who came back to the world. That you, the you of innocence, did not come home; couldn't possibly come home, having come to know what the survivor you knows, what the survivor you has experienced.

A new you, an infinitely more complicated you; a you of lost innocence, at almost every level, has come home.

And home looks and feels different.
And everyone looks different.
And you have all changed.

You cringe, or hit the ground, at noises commonplace while they carry on with the everyday of the life they know.
Shadows lurk, scurry into and out of the dark, as if a dark collage artist were pasting over the new reality you are experiencing with the old you had hoped to have left behind.
You wake up screaming.
Sit facing doors.
And no matter what you wear, you still feel naked, weak, without your weapon sleeping next to you, without the powerfully protective feeling of your weapon in your hand.

You are home; yet still adrift in sand; yet still treading on the floor of the jungle with the thickly twisted canopy keeping out the light; yet still crawling into dank, stinking holes in the mountains. You are home; yet in a seemingly parallel universe that weaves in and out of the world you are told that you live in now; a fluctuating Twilight Zone, beyond even Serling's imagination, where apple pies morph into Daisy Cutters, where the crunch of a nut cracker on a walnut amps into an IED exploding under, around, next to you.

Welcome Home.

Dr. Edward Tick has an awesome gift for you--a road map that will put you on the path to re-connect your conflicting parallel worlds into one that is manageable for you.

Any soldier, any civilian, who has known war has known it as the experience of living on the edge, of knowing life most sharply honed while death and destruction steam, reek, explode all around; but the modern soldier also is burdened at soul level with the very real possibility of war's escalation to the ultimate destruction. That burden, like all the others, is also carried by his soul.

Dr. Tick's War and the Soul: Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder explores, unearths, de-mystifies the myths of war. Its wisdom is applicable to the veterans of any nation or time. It brings home war's verities, and it will help to bring you home, as with him you unravel what you are feeling, why you are feeling it; find that the others who were there feel what you feel, and know what you know--illuminates what those at home have to be brought to comprehend.

War and the Soul will help you understand where all those missing soul pieces have gone. It will guide you in fetching them back. It will make you know that what you are feeling is a normal, not an abnormal, reaction to a chaos of war unleashed on your body, mind, soul, and spirit.

With clarity in dissecting the myths of war; by sharing Veterans' stories, observations, experiences, and nightmares, Dr. Tick helps guide you a to a new place where you can understand the impact of war on you and begin to step out of its chaos. If you want to come home, War and the Soul is the road map you need.

Yes, you need physical, mental therapy to leave the chaos of war for the order of "normal" life. But deep healing calls for soul and spiritual re-alignment. For that, Dr. Tick is there with cultural myths, with compassion and understanding, with the cultural rituals necessary for re-initiation into society. He is the spiritual shaman, the soul reviver whom you need to begin your real journey home.

War and the Soul is a book every soldier, every veteran, every civilian needs to read--and tell others about. It brings a new perspective to war, and to the healing of those we send to fight. We--all of us--need to understand these things if any soldier anywhere is ever to truly come home.

Will It Disappoint You If Your Child Copies Your Behavior?

2009-09-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

What would you like your children to have learned by the time they reach adulthood?

Tell the truth. Behave honorably. Be trustworthy. Don't hit. Work hard. Enjoy yourself. Love yourself. Love your family. Relax. Show up when you say you will. Drive carefully. Drink in moderation.

How do our offspring learn these things? Mostly from role models. We figure prominently in that collection of influences. My mid-twenties son drives a little faster than I would prefer. Maybe it is from those years when he rode with me in the front seat of my taxicab. Maybe I was whipping around more than I do now, and that stayed with him. Or maybe he's young and in a hurry. But he's honest and reliable. He works hard. He loves earnestly. I'm very proud of him.

Hidden amidst the desired attributes listed is, "Don't hit." This is an important one. How can we get a tot to stop hitting. You can talk to them about it, ask why they're doing it, tell them how it disappoints you to have them hurting people. If they've gotten out of control--ala the SuperNanny/Nanny 911 case studies, then the naughty chair for two, three or four minutes followed by a hug and and apology is a fine, non-scarring remedy.

Suppose I walk into the nursery school to catch my two year old pulling a playmate around by her hair. If I grab him by his arm, jerk him up into the air, shouting to "Let Go!" and swat his butt, what is he learning? Is he learning to play fair and nice? Is he learning not to grab a playmates hair in front of his dad? Is he learning that the biggest toughest guy makes the rules?

A while back, I watched a dad drag his 10 year old son out of a restaurant and berate him for some offensive behavior at the son's own birthday party. The son was in a karate gi, and was an advanced ranked belt. The father clearly wanted his son to learn discipline, to be able to take care of himself, to avoid being a victim. But dad was unintentionally terrifying his son, and victimizing him. Dad looked murderous. The Dad and I talked later--(as he was about to drag his son from the restaurant AGAIN.)

I suggested that he take it easy on his son. The kid's 10. He'll disappoint his dad during the growing process. I know I disappointed mine a couple of times, and I bet this dad that he did too. Dad can guide him without making him fear for his life. Telling the boy his actions toward the waitress were a let-down will get the boy's attention. Dad & I shook hands after our chat.

I know how frazzled one can get while raising a kid. Being better prepared to deal with an irritating moment, having a plan for how to act and what to say and do will make everything much easier. Talking to her, using "I messages" as Dr Thomas Gordon suggests, will keep your blood pressure down and your relationship with your child healthy. And you'll be modeling rationality, not modeling "Losing It."

When's a Good Age to Start Spanking? Sarcasm.

2009-09-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

What is an appropriate age to start to strike your children?

Five years? Two years? Three months? Fresh out of the womb?

How should it be introduced? Should it begin with a flick of the middle finger to the forehead? A slap on the back of their hand? A backhand or forehand slap to the face or midsection? A coathanger to the bare buttocks?

And when should we discontinue the practice? When they are thirteen? When they are twenty? When they stop disappointing you? Or when they grab your hand, put their face in yours and tell you, "NEVER do that again."

Thousands of studies have been done to find out the effectiveness of corporal punishment (violent disciplining.) How much is too much? how much is too little? How frequently should it be used for best results? how hard should I hit? Should it be different for a one month old infant and a five year old? Should I remove the child from public view? Should I use a tool (weapon) or bare hands, pants up or pants down?

Unfortunately, every study keeps coming up with similar results: avoiding violence--both verbal and physical, produces a healthier child. There is no argument among scientific studies on this point. Every study.

For many parents, the jury is still out because no one has scientifically deduced that smackin' the tyke does him any good. Any day now someone may publish a study that suggests we had it right all along, and the periodic butt-kicking will develop a well-balanced child. And because our fierce violent response comes so automatically, it seems to be natural. Some angry parents believe those scientists with the lame test results were looking in the wrong place, or they must be afraid of their kids.

James Dobson says it's OK to hit. He doesn't care about those scientists either. If he's going to fly in the face of all the evidence and say it's OK, if he believes he is preaching moderation as to the degree of force, then he should make videos available showing how lightly he's hitting, how few times he spanks, how much "love" there is in every responsible whack.

Although I am in TOTAL disagreement with James Dobson on the hitting question, he's on a thousand radio stations and in hundreds of papers. If he were to film guidelines for moderating ferocity, society would benefit. If he isn't guiding specifically by SHOWING us, then he is simply telling America that hitting is OK. That leaves it to the childhood experience (or the anger level) of the whacker as to just how senseless to beat his little darling for slopping juice on her dress.

If I've been unclear, should I expect a confused parent to step up and slap me for not being clearer? Or should I be held down and spanked for failing my responsibility to be crystal clear? How old must you be before you are entitled to conclude that the beating you've just received had nothing to do with love?

My Commitment to Ending Family Violence

2009-09-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

I Commit to End Family Violence in America

(and promote a culture of peaceful support in American families)

I was raised in a working class family in San Francisco. The Sunset district housed many parents buying their first homes after WWII, raising the earliest of the Baby Boomers. There was an appearance of propriety, kids were "well-behaved," civility between neighbors was the code.

A central problem, a fear, running silently through this generation of parents was: "What if my child becomes...SPOILED? Oh, my God! What if he's shivvering, and he says--right in front of 'company', 'I'm cold.' Then--I tell him to go to his room and put on a sweater, or the little ingrate would certainly say it again. He's living in MY house, by MY rules, he's not a BABY any more--he's four years old."

Children were to be seen and not heard. They were not to inconvenience parents any more than absolutely necessary. They HAD to be fed and clothed, they grew like WEEDS, it took TRAINING to keep them silent, well-mannered, never interrupting an adult, and keeping problems to themselves other than broken bones or spilled blood. The nature of that training was the problem.

"Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child," was the tenet. Everyone who followed that famous bromide had a belief that THEIR application of the spanking rod, regardless of ferocity, was the appropriate level of force. I was raised with this violence by a mother who herself had a soul-crushing childhood. Her life experience began long before my delivery. No parent is a clean slate.

I believe every parent starts with all the good intentions of raising a strong, capable, intelligent child. Then their history and their life gets in the way. Parents may calmly weigh their disciplinary options, but the sheer 24/7 aspect of demands by kids, by spouse, by circumstances will catch the mere mortals at their weakest moments. People with harshness in their background then resort to spanking, hitting, slapping, punching, demeaning or spirit-breaking.

If, as a child, a parent was beaten into submission, told she was "worthless," "stupid," "ugly," "headed nowhere," she will have difficulty raising her child without bringing that self-image and those methods to bear. These battered adults often DEFEND violent upbringing, saying, "Dad only brought out the belt when I needed it." "Mom had a lot of buttons, and I used to push'em, I was a hard case."

Many counselors report that counseling begins with the statement that "I had a happy childhood, my folks were loving and fair." Examination then reveals there are grounds for sadness, bitterness, and anger. If there was violence, surprising feelings will come up. Reading and counseling in adulthood creates awareness that parents had alternatives to "the belt," or to heart-spearing words.

Even if a parent is conscious enough or angry enough to renounce violence, she will have difficulty erasing her history. Simply making the commitment to not hit, in my experience, provides no positive tools for disciplining a child, and can lead to ugly alternatives--shaking, pushing, yelling, controlling, demeaning comments that also scar the child.

Counseling, reading, coaching, transformative exercises, NLP, hypnosis and real communication plus learning tools for different situations are essential for a parent with a history of violence to raise a child without shouting or striking. These recommendations would also help a parent, with or without a history, who is considering flying by the seat of the pants through this child-rearing odyssey.

Creating...Families "By Any Means Possible?"

2009-09-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

"By any means possible," what do I mean by that? There are many approaches to child-rearing that don't include, and take steps to replace, hitting, slapping, shaking, yelling, intimidating, or manipulating a kid. I encourage you to look into methods that appeal to you. I took a college course using the text "Assertive Discipline," it was a collection of techniques that helped me never raise a hand or my voice in anger with my natural son. Thomas Gordon's "Parent Effectiveness Training," is an excellent guide to speaking with your child, letting him/her know how you feel and encouraging them to level with you.

Here are books that will introduce you to remarkably different (away from even occasional spanking or yelling), but very workable (learnable) approaches to dealing with a child. Psychocybernetics (By Dr. Maxwell Maltz) helps people "reprogram" themselves. If you're trying one of these above methods, but your automatics (yelling, hitting, spanking, punching, slapping, shaking) still keep happening, time to up the ante a bit. Maltz has ground-breaking methods for change. Let me recommend one thing. Maltz recommends doing several regular tasks differently every day. This simple process throws off your automatic-ness and opens you to change.

If you normally put your left sock on first, make a point to put on the right first. Left pants-leg first? Do the right. Underpants on first? undershirt or bra next? reverse them. Then keep reading and trying out your new skills with your loved ones. Keep it up for several weeks (but soon, you can't remember what was the habit.) This little exercise truly helps you approach change with less resistance.

Other outstanding books are Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Also by Kohn: Punished by Rewards. Keepers of the Children--Native American Wisdom and Parenting, by Laura M. Ramirez; Jon Kabat-Zinn, Author of Full Catastrophe Living, has written a very enjoyable book, Everyday Blessings on raising a responsible, communicative child. Bryan Tracy has a very good CD about rearing a child.(One comment near the beginning of Tracy's CD troubled me--He later clarifies it and essentially reverses any possible misunderstanding.) He refers to having his first child, weeks old, start crying in his crib while Tracy and his wife are entertaining a couple of friends. When Bryan starts to get up to check it out, the friends say, "Take it easy, let him cry." Tracy sits back down, feeling he's been counseled by a veteran.

Tracy clarifies that the advice was really to let the child cry a note or two, hick-up and rattle around while trying to go to sleep. But when serious agitation happens, it requires tending (picking up, holding, rubbing, rocking, singing to, nice actions.) Because of the potential for misunderstanding, I am upset by this advice to let a baby 'cry it out.' A baby crying his lungs out has an issue. Shrinks and researchers say letting it go on is serious abandonment. It's traumatic. Don't do it. Enough said.

The Orangutan at the Piano

2009-08-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

The Orangutan at the Piano
My mother always thought she would write a book with this title. The thought of a person accepting the responsibility for raising children, and believing that he already possesses the necessary skills, brings that title to mind. I point no fingers, I have been that great ape.

What if you were given a tiny person who needed your attention for the next 18 years? Who had to be fed, clothed, cleaned, every day, tended to when sick, taught not to do dangerous stuff, held every day or he may die of loneliness or something called Failure To Thrive. Is mastery of diaper changing the sum of all parenting skills?

From my experience, first as a step-parent, then as a parent, I learned it is possible to enter into this vital arrangement with no plan. I made no schematic about what kind of parent I wanted to be, or what kind of kid I wanted any of my family to become. I just made necessary adjustments. I didn't leave them alone, I helped see to it everyone was fed and clothed. I sort of added them to my life, like a saddlebag, and proceeded.

I've been struggling to make a metaphor for developing skills for a task. You can decide if I've succeeded with what's below.

Imagine two hundred million people tasked with cooking a pancake. It's national pancake day. Every homemaker is given a free two pound bag of pancake mix with the agreement they will return home and make pancakes. One wrinkle is, there are no directions on the bag.

What will people do?

There will be some disasters, some anger, some pancake mix summarily tossed down the drain, as well as some nice breakfasts. If it became a matter of pride that Americans know what to do with a bag of pancake mix, they might watch Wolfgang Puck and Emeril make basic, then advanced pancakes. Some might practice grandma's recipe, Americans anywhere in the world might be asked to step to the grill and make that favorite of American cuisine, The Pancake. I fantasize about Americans taking initiative to find out how to enjoy their families as they might enjoy the National Pancake.

Strange List of Necessities for Parenting

2008-08-16T01:53:00.000-07:00

July 6, 08 11:56pm Only When I needed it.

A uniform statement I have heard from adult children of spankers, whippers and beaters is, "My Dad beat me with a pole, or a branch, or his fist. But I was a hard case. I gave him attitude. He only kicked my ass when I needed it."

One of the sad effects of this brutality, is that it is identified by the victim as a necessary part of child-rearing. It is believed to be a part of love. I believe we (who have been through it) usually swear to be a parent who doesn't do this. From my experience, a parent doesn't beat a child all the time, everyday. But life has times where patience shortens, where peace must return, quiet and order must be restored--NOW!, you tell yourself. There can be a disagreement between adults, causing anger. A child may want attention, want to be read to, talked with, to tell about her day, and can't read the signs of impending parental explosion. Neither the adult difficulty or the KID will go away. DAMMMMMN!!

There are infinite scenarios that upset a parent, none have to make any sense, but the kids never "need it."

Violent outbursts are learned behaviors. They also indicate the parent hasn't learned an alternative response. Like the slogan, "If you are a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." You have no "toolkit" of answers for your own aggravation, disappointment, or anger. I remember a counselor telling me to count to ten before reacting. I never made it. I believe such advice comes from someone who has no personal experience with the depth of rage.

When I started learning options, I first had to learn ones that didn't work for me. Tough Love, which works for many people, for me prompted my kids to push back immediately, to the hilt. There was no fear of being locked out, or living in the garage. My teen-age step sons and I were in each others' faces until my natural son with their mother was born. I'm wish I could undo my contribution to their make-up. If I could apologize (I have) enough, sit with them in counseling to reverse the pent up anger, I would. Where did I find options?

I learned some helpful techniques from Nursery School education classes at San Francisco State and from my experience at our schools run by my then wife. I also took a class called Assertive Discipline, using a text of the same name. I recommend it. I have read recently about it. I guess some believe there are now superior methods, I am looking for them. This was the primary toolkit that allowed me to do my part of raising my boy without hits, spanks, shoves, shakes or even yelling.

Instead of counting to ten, I took action--talking. Derailing, asking questions. I'd heard of these "Time Outs," but didn't know how they worked. They are actually separation from the activity for a period of one minute per year of the child's age. Not an hour, a day or a week, but four minutes for my four year old. No grabbing, but talking. If you're little angel has become a little monster, then I really recommend watching the SuperNanny or Nanny 911 for graphic portrayal of physical handling without anger and patient response. I didn't have that problem with my own little angel.

At about four he could get fired up, maybe too much sugar, tired, needed a nap, or SOMETHING, that taxed me. I walked him to his room and told him that he must stay here for four minutes, until he could calm down and come out and rejoin me. I wouldn't be angry, we'd just settle down a bit. I set a little egg timer to four minutes and told him he could come out when it dinged. I'm not sure how many times we did this. Maybe five to ten times. I do remember once or twice he cried out, "Dad, Noooooo, not four minutes!!!" I now believe it was ME who needed the time out. It was a successful "count to ten" that was never violent, never raging.

I also took a course called Parent Effectiveness Training. Then I took Parent Effectiveness Trainer Training. I had enjoyed Thomas Gordon's book on the subject. My box of tools to replace my child-rearing rage began to overflow. Then I had to start to tackle my other inner baggage.

Feeling Disappointment, Feeling Rage

2008-08-16T01:50:00.000-07:00

July 6, 2008 What is Discipline?
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.

When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.

Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.

I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.

Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.

Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.

I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.

The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes, yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.

One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."

You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.

I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.

If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete: instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective

Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?

It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehavior. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.

Both short and long-term end results are the incredible satisfaction that you can talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be.

Kicking a Boy's Ass Builds No Character

2008-08-16T01:48:00.000-07:00

July 4, 2008 11:49pm A Culture of Violence

I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in their numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parent at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.

I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.

I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. No one ever shot at me, nor did I shoot at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and whereever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. Speaking to me, they sounded like they'd all read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.

I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. "300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many current gangs try to emulate that stuff?

I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.

The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, ninety year old Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"

My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.

Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good will of a potential attacker is a fool.

I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense.

The Gender with No Feelings

2008-08-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

July 3, 08 9:54pm

I was raised to believe I had no needs. I've read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying.

This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitch and moan, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. One thing: feelings hidden don't actually disappear. They stop being recognizable. The boy doesn't know what it is that is making him sweat, shudder or cry, but he knows he must end it, or strike out to divert attention from it. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There can be a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the frustration of women unable to get an accurate answer to, "how are you feeling?". And men's lack of concern about it.

Remorse: A Tip for the Hangman?

2008-08-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

July 2, 08 That Old Guilt and Remorse

It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."

Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.

Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought. It is hindsight that horrifies me, and drives me to help other parents and grandparents learn those options that replace hitting and yelling.

When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. I succeeded with my own guy, but for my older steps, the damage was done, and I didn't know how to undo it. If I can help future grandparents avoid the guilt and remorse, I want to contribute.

Why Do I Fear my Boss?

2008-08-16T01:38:00.000-07:00

01 July 08 Violence on The Very Young

Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. Always. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.

The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to understand and sympathize with Eddie.

Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I "learned" that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.

I have been places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.

Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, listen to Marianne Williamson, and do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.

I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't really serve you or anyone else.

Shouting Pushes People Away

2008-08-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

30June08 "Shouting pushes people away."

I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these two step-sons of mine. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.

Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.

"I needed her to really hear me," I said.

"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."

Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful.

What is Discipline?

2008-08-03T00:54:00.000-07:00

July 6, 2008 What is Discipline?
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.

When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.

Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.

I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make their desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.

Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.

Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.

I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.

The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes , yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.

One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."

You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.

I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.

If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete : instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective

Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?

It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehaviour. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.

The short and long-term end results are incredible satisfaction that you have the ability to talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be. 1:49am

"300": A Cinematic Culture of Violence

2008-08-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

July 4, 2008 11:49pm A Culture of Violence

I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in the attackers' numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parents at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.

I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant my respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.

I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. Know one ever shot at me, nor did I at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and where ever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. They sounded like they'd read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.

I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. No one in their right mind would want to take part in what is portrayed in those films.

"300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many gangs try to emulate that stuff?

I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.

The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"

My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.

Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good naturedness of a potential attacker is a fool. I beleive the actual quote hangs in the Pentagon.

I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense. 1:00am

2008-08-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

July 3, 08 9:54pm

Today, talked about my personal lack of feeling suggesting I have any needs. I read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying anything.

This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitches and moans, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There is a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the problem of frustrating women by the Male's inability to tell her how he feels. And lack of concern about it. 10:21pm

Guilt and Remorse

2008-08-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

July 2, 08 01:00am That Old Guilt and Remorse

It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."

Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.

Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought.

When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. 1:15am

Violence On The Very Young

2008-08-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

01 July 08 11:58PM Violence on The Very Young

Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed it up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 80, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.

The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to sympathize with Eddie.

Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I learned that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.

I have been many places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.

Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, and listen to Marianne Williamson, do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.

I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't serve you or anyone else. 12:36am

Shouting Pushes People Away

2008-08-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

30June08 8:51am "Shouting pushes people away."

I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these boys. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.

Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.

"I needed her to really hear me," I said.

"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."

Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful. 9:21am

People Are...Good? or Bad?

2008-08-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

29June08 People are basically...Good or Bad?

I didn't know it at the time I was rearing either my step-kids or my natural son, but there are two conflicting generalizations about people: they are basically good and need guidance or they are basically bad and need control, punishment, fear and oversight to make them behave. If they are good, they will need to talk about their behavior, and be corrected when they veer off course. If they are bad--then we are lost.

What kind of people have you met? Nice people? I have. I know there can be jerks, and I guess I have been a jerk on occasion, but how much discipline and control is required to make someone nice, sincere, authentic, helpful, honest, focused, and responsible.

I was very hard on my step-sons. When they were young, they were inquisitive and energetic and they had few limits, so they were everywhere. In order to have any privacy with their mom, I asked, told, then demanded that they do as I say. I pretty quickly put a bolt on the inside of our bedroom door, to eliminate anytime young visitors.

Like so many folks, I thought communication was my specialty and parenting was a snap. I told the kids what I expected and thought I was done. However, that didn't work. I thought I should be able to tell the kids one time. The second time meant, to me, they weren't trying, or weren't listening. I had to become very focused and more serious. The third time was just too damn much. I had to become menacing.

It's painful to write this. My incompetency lead me down a violent path that lived in me. I know now that a display of love makes a big difference. I know how a lost parent can throw his hands up and try to minimize the struggle by becoming angry or violent: hoping to "whip those kids into shape."

There is the additional element of being the step-parent. I was in the relationship for the mom. I had no connection to these boys. As good as they were, they were little balls of needs for attention that distracted from my pursuit of happiness with their mom. Then there was the fact I was adrift as to how to rear them. If I had read a book about it, and I'd read lots of other books, but it never occurred to me I was "parenting," and people had written lots to help.

Listing Five Human Needs...Ummm

2008-07-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

28June08 Saturday
I have begun a 21 day cycle of relaxation and visualization using the Psycho-cybernetics model of Dr. Maxwell Maltz. Last night and again this morning I relaxed and visualized myself comfortably stating that I have a need "for respect." This week I prepared for and met with a co-worker with whom I had a dispute. I stated then that I had a need for respect. I waited a moment for a humiliating reaction from the colleague and my boss, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Who the Hell are YOU to have a need for respect!!" I was quite surprised that they sat calmly waiting for me to go on, finish my statement.

It was actually jarring. After I completed my statement, he made his, starting with the same statement. It seems we'd both been pissing each other off. So we identified the issues and agreed to end them. We're now working together fine.

This morning, during the visualizations, I realized I was unable to come up with another need. Other than food and air, my list of needs ended at respect. I will find a list in Marshall Rosenberg's text and commit some of it to memory.

This is some of the effect of violent, uneven, humiliating parenting. I know I want my kids, and now ALL kids, to become thinkers, reasoners, communicators, negotiators in their own interest. I want no kid to be afraid of me, and I want kids to be respectful because it's the right way to be--not because someone might knock them on their butt.

Don't Like NVC? Look Inside.

2008-07-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

27Jun08
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Non-Violent Communication. At the core of this system is the understanding that disputes come up from unmet needs. That listening for and acknowledging the other's needs, or spelling out your own, has a remarkable effect.

I'm spellbound when I listen to Marshall on CD speaking his way. It's very warm and friendly, while being an unfamiliar approach to communication for me.

I found myself critical of others attempts to speak or write it. It seemed stilted in some way, unreal, not going over for me. I recently had an Aha! moment about it.

I am a mediator personality, someone who listens to both sides of a dispute, puts no personal spin on discussion of it while helping it to be resolved. I am a person who has learned as a child that having needs was dangerous. Whether I whined to get something, cried, or tried to negotiate, I learned it was VITAL to have no needs, which became "no preferences," and I became a person who was game to go-along, not to confound a decision-making time by inflicting another choice, or even a vote.

I so effectively buried my needs, that I have no concept of MY needs, or needs at all. I have to look at lists of human needs in order to answer questions about them. The Aha! was that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is based on needs, and when I listened to people talking about needs, or thought about trying to name mine or yours, I choked. I was clueless. Now, I believe I can learn about them, learn a list or two, work on recognizing... shudder... a need.

Ending Guilt with the "I-Message"

2008-07-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

The "I message" is at the heart of many communication approaches. When the speaker spells out the activity that is troubling, then the way it makes them feel, the offender can hear it without feeling attacked.

If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.

You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"

This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.

Silenced via Backhand

2008-07-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

26 June 08

My mom told me years ago, after watching a child whine for cooperation from his mom, that she cured me of whining at 2 years old with a back-hand. She has apologized.

She also told me I was a two and three year old that didn't touch stuff, looked at it, but didn't touch. We could visit a friend of hers and I would establish myself as a kid that didn't need "child-proofing." I've wondered what kind of toddler didn't touch stuff. I do believe it is a trained and frightened one.

An adult friend of my brother's noticed how I changed around my mom. He said, "You've studied and taught martial arts, were No. 1 in your police academy class, have taught businessmen and politicians how to speak more effectively. How can you be so afraid of this little lady?" My step sister noticed it as well, when, after I'd been there for several hours, my mother arrived at their home. Mom had been there about an hour when step-sis quietly said, "Boy, does your mom cramp your style."

I used to have brawls with my step-teen-aged boys after I visited my mom. Something exhausting about being on my best behavior to avoid enraging my mom. When we got home I was primed for a fight.

Bracing for Story of Two Brothers

2008-07-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

25 June 08 I am suddenly exhausted. I am sitting before my keyboard, organizing thoughts about my miserable treatment of my younger brother, and my energy and wakefulness has drained our of me.

Later today...off to bed now.

Intro to My Use of Non-Violent Communication

2008-07-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

24 June 08,

I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.

I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.

In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.

Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.

I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"

A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.

It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.

I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.

Intervention by Support

2008-07-29T00:17:00.000-07:00

June 23, 2008 The Supermarket Incident

Once I was in a supermarket with my son, then about four, as we encountered a woman having trouble quieting her two or three year old boy. I believe he was hungry and was upset at the length of the trip and no snack. Mom just couldn't get him to shut up, and I could see that she was concerned about appearances in some way.

She jerked the kid out of the shopping cart seat, set him on his feet, took him by the wrist and headed for the door. I had a bad feeling that the raging mom was going to drub the hungry little fart once outside the store.

Jake and I got in step with them a car-length behind and followed them outside. Mom stopped him between a couple of parked cars and turned for a parental assault when Jake and I stepped up behind her and stopped.

Her little guy was now a model child and perfectly quiet. I told her I'd seen her frustration at his actions, and it looked like she could use some moral support. She said she brought him outside to discipline him privately, to keep from embarrassing him. I believed she didn't want to be confronted by any strangers for a violent outburst--but kept that to myself.

I talked slowly and modeled calm, talked to her little boy, found out he was tired and hungry. I recommended some crackers to stave off such displays and gave her some. I remember my boy and hers listening to me and watching us both. I told her I'd learned from my ex that a snack before and a snack along with you can keep outbursts to a minimum.

We went back into the store with the agreement that she'd finish as fast as she could and they'd get out of there. There was no spanking, and no further outburst from her tot. I think I left having offered support and a temporary solution while not shaming or blaming anyone, and not making it worse for the little guy later. My son thought it was cool.

Instead of Pounding Your KID...

2008-07-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

21 June 11:59PM

I believe the famous phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is the greatest single cause of astonishing brutality toward children. I also believe there is no agreement about what "spoiling" a child is, except it is to be avoided.

The phrase "spare the rod" unclearly suggests you reconsider how little you are beating your kid. It proposes open-ended ferocity. The words recommend only intensification of whatever you are doing.

Exercise: Out of earshot of any children, place a pillow in front of you, on your bed. Standing beside the bed, or kneeling on it, punch the pillow with one hand, then the other. Now, develop a rhythm, punching as you say "spare...the...rod...spare...the...rod" over again and again. Go ahead and lose count, punch harder, get winded. Do that for 30 seconds to one minute.

Notice how conducive to kicking that pillow's butt those words are.

Now if it felt good to do it, maybe two or three times a day, out of earshot of any child, beat that pillow to feather-dust.

When the therapeutic value impresses you, maybe you can introduce any children in your life to this wonderful release. Maybe you can bond as you get out your pent up aggravation, then go have milk and cookies together and talk about your days.

Then your kid looks forward to pillow beating time and the subsequent treat and bonding.

When you have that kind of bonding, your little one will surprise you with heartfelt questions. If you're like I was, you'll start raising your game in preparation for surprising insight and inquisitiveness from this tiny being. "Dad, I think Gramma is a hard person to argue with." Or questions you might never have even considered. "Dad, when is a fight over?"

But you'll love it.

Dobson Video Might Help

2008-07-29T00:10:00.000-07:00

19 June 11:50 am

It troubles me that some writers say it's OK to swat, spank or corporally punish. Even when they recommend some moderation, I believe they leave open the option to strike a child with ferocity. I don't see anyone using a doll to video the correct striking of a child. If someone, like James Dobson, whose books sell millions of copies, were to be THAT specific in how to correctly strike a child (I believe there is NO correct way to strike a child), I believe there would be some value. By modeling some calm, recommending a waiting period before the punishment. Maybe by requiring that the angry response subside, that you explain calmly to the child why the offending behavior will not be tolerated, the parent could find himself having accomplished the goal without raising his hand.

I believe that such a video by a resource like Dobson might reduce raging attacks on children by parents. While it saddens me that anyone considered an authority would advocate hitting a child, such an influential person as Dobson could singlehandedly reduce violence against children by demonstrating, on video, the spanker's head is clear, temper is not a factor.

Ultimately, I would hope that the video-viewing parent, while calming and collecting him/herself for an upcoming spanking, might reconsider the need for violence and consider time in the bedroom or "a good talking to."

How do you want you kids to be?

2008-07-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

17Jun08

What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.

When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.

Some people plan ahead, some try to "sieze the day" and enjoy life without a plan. I believe the American working class culture doesn't focus on plans. There may be more planning if we search in more prosperous families. Watch our TV shows. No TV family plans their future, sets an example, inquires into personal gifts and possible paths. This reliance on spontaneity has a negative impact on our kids and our culture.

What do you want from your children?

How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.

I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.

I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.

Pounding on your kid stays with her

2008-07-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

16 June 2008

I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.

My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life

sticks with the victims and the witnesses in equal measure. I believe, from my experience and my reading, that breaking the pattern requires conscious intervention. Many abused kids grow into parents who swear they won't hit their kids. Most don't succeed without counseling, classes, or reading; others resort alternate destructive options, such as yelling, shaking, intimidating, threatening while priding themselves on no hitting.

Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.

What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.

We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?

My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.

Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."

If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.

If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.

Discipline: Introducing "CONSEQUENCES!"

2008-07-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

15 June 08, 10:10PM
I have been musing, bitching, and growling about how I might contribute to improving communication in families. This is my second and last marriage, my first having been a blend of happy surrender and miserable disagreement. My first wife and I started too late looking for ways to "discipline" my three step-kids that involved more compassion and less yelling and hitting. We attended a Tough Love group a number of times that was a good first step.

At the Tough Love meeting the first Ah-Ha was the concept of "consequences." Kids need to learn there will be negative outcomes following lousy decisions. If your kid is caught "tagging" the boys lavatory, there may be suspension, suspicion following ANY subsequent tagging, searches of personal effects at school or at home until trust is re-established that no more such activity will take place. Damaged trust is a crummy pill for a kid to swallow if the relationship with parents and authority has been at all positive. And fouled trust can be incentive to straight out his act.

We tried to control her three kids, two boys and a girl, by yelling, spanking, hitting, and lecturing. The spanking and hitting was parent & step-dad out-of-control. I remember, as a kid, being lectured and hating it. I tried to lecture these urchins until they fell to their knees. It never happened, but I'm reasonably certain they all share my distaste for being lectured.

I must make clear that I have also raised a boy, now in his mid-20's, entirely without spanking, hitting, lecturing or intimidating. The difference was more compassion, some classes in assertive discipline, becoming convinced I could guide my little guy with my words and actions, and he was not a step-child, but my own.

I had thoughts of writing a how-to book for step-dads that, first, had to make clear what a thankless-feeling task is being a "step." My then wife seemed wrapped around their fingers, giving in to all their requests. I had the feeling they needed physical (corporal) discipline. I jumped at actions--that are harmless irritants by kids--and spanked or hit them.

It makes me sad that I was ruled by such ignorance and anger. It breaks my heart that I was hard on the threesome. Had I looked into some techniques, maybe read about step-parenting and the unnecessary anger that can rise so swiftly there, maybe all would have been different.

A harrowing statistic I read recently was that when any 100 child murders are looked into, 99 will have been committed by a step-parent. That means to me that there is a real threat of terrible behavior by the step-parent. It might be averted by acknowledgment of the job's difficulty, plus encouragement to learn to parent a child not your own.

Peaceful Family Communication: A New Paradigm for America

2007-09-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

I have had a very interesting, challenging and transformative week. I attended a wonderful session of a group called Financial Circles that, in my view, seeks to use proven techniques to move the participants past "stuck" places into their power regarding earning, investing, and otherwise dealing with money. Entrepreneurialism is honored, but not required.

I spoke there about my desire to inspire parents and spouses to seek authentic communication with each other, using successful tools to bring about resolution of emotional, frightening or frustrating issues. When the dust settles around this real communication, there will be support and safety between family members. Kids will want to share their successes with family, everyone will be able to discuss dreams and fears. The relationships will be golden, and the problems that arise within a family will be dealt with in a healthy way.

I was approached by a classmate who shared my interest, and we will be talking about it this week.

I ran for office in my men's group (helping men find and live their purpose) and was heartbroken when I lost. I'm comfortable now believing I dropped the ball in my preparation for the election evening and was killed by unexpectedly tough questions. After a few conversations in the aftermath, I realized the crushing result has toughened me, and may have actually given me time to pursue my "Peaceful Family Communication" vision.

I have met several other men with interests that dovetail with mine, that may allow us to support each other in related pursuits, or even work together in a broader vision of my own purpose.

Just when I thought the week could not be more deeply enriching, I attended the Wisdom Festival at San Francisco's Fort Mason Cultural Center. There I attended four sessions discussing hot topics, but using unfamiliar (to me) communication processes that I found spellbinding.

These processes guaranteed each participant an opportunity to be heard, to respond, to propose alternatives and to hear the others. The small groups were great fun and very satisfying. I look forward to meeting again with the meeting sponsors and most of the attendees.

What happens if you don't hit your kid to stop undesireable behavior? (Part I)

2007-09-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

I've been pouring over a very scholarly report that cites 83 other reports about the wisdom (or not) of hitting your kids.

When I was very small, my mom used backhands and hairbrushes to bring me around to her way of thinking. It was how she was brought up, and she seemed to have no control over this choice of discipline. I slapped and spanked two stepsons more than I can bear to recall.

Counseling, courses in assertive discipline, books and courses on Parent Effectiveness Training (Dr. Thomas Gordon), empowered me to raise my natural son without EVER hitting him. I talked with him about behavior that troubled me, and he changed it. We did do several four and five minute time-outs that I now believe were probably more effective for me than for him.

I have a very nice relationship with him now. We see each other about weekly, and talk on the phone a few more times per week. He has a familiar issue here or there that, rather than me beating into him, I painlessly modeled for him.

But I am proud of him. He works hard at communicating, with me, with his girl, with his friends. I envy him. I wish I could have started as young.

As the famous study suggests, the violence of parent on child may immediately stop some undesirable behaviors, but it also damages the child's trust in the parent, damages the child's expectation of love and support, and may simply make him more careful not to get caught. Even though our purpose may be to instill a moral value, research suggests that it simply has them look over their shoulder (be out of our presence) before committing the behavior.

2007-08-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

First Draft

Josh Questions

What do I know?

Family with support and guidance is possible.
Change in family communication and discipline styles is possible.

How can I help?

By coaching a selection of alternative styles to see what works and provide support to keep them in use & working.

What things have I learned?

That violent, manipulative, boisterous and other non-serving, upsetting styles of interaction can be eliminated and replaced with reasonable communication.

I have experienced “automatics” of violence, and I have replaced them with a toolbox of behaviors to improve communication, to express approval, disapproval, to discuss, to encourage, to allow the same from my spouse and child.

What am I going to do?

I am going to prepare five alternate styles of response to explosion, to be immediately ready to build a new parenting tool box.

Why am I going to do it

I am still trying to uncover and repair internal damage that interferes with my enjoyment of my life and pursuit of projects that will fulfill me.
I am so proud of myself when I feel I have helped someones life be more enjoyable, easier, and successful.

How am I going to do it?

By offering my services as a coach to individuals and families that suspect their home lives could be more copacetic and that their current personal styles could be contributing to unnecessary upset.

What if I run into obstacles

I have enough inside to be unconcerned with “sales resistance” or anything else external.