Language for Lovers: Healing Conflicts

Language for Lovers: Healing Conflicts

What is a somatic (physical) memory? How does it figure in parenting?

A somatic memory is a memory stored in a special part of the brain.  Not the remember-the-phone-number conscious part.  The unconscious catch-the-football part of the brain. Jerry Rice trained in a specially designed way to compensate for a lack of speed (by NFL standards.)  He was known for being the hardest working player in the sport. He developed the ability to change direction without signaling to the skilled eyes of professional defenders.  He practiced running pass patterns while defended against by two and three defensive backs.  He ran for a touchdown after each practice reception.  Jerry Rice was disciplined, he installed somatic memories for performing brilliantly, and kept updating them to stay ahead of the competition.

Nature also records safety advice so we don't have to "remember" it. Two boys, 14 years of age race across a darkened parking lot after attending a night game with their families.  Dashing through the dim light, they see the car across the lot.  Suddenly, they come to an abrupt stop.  One boy is on his back, dizzy, pained, and looking up at the stars.  He raises his head to see the soles of his buddy's feet up in the air, having tripped across a two-foot-high cable. The buddy is stunned, squinting in the darkness to see what stopped them.  "You OK?" they each ask. They get up, compare torn clothes, bruises and bloodiness. Then they inspect the cable that separated two otherwise connected car lots. They limp onward to the car, charley-horses worsening for each of them.  50 years later these men will not run across unfamiliar terrain.  Their bodies will automatically slow down these enthusiastic competitors before they give it any thought.  It's nature's safety device.

Then there are the stored physical memories of terror that overwhelm the body's natural defenses. These stowed away memories move the person into an automatic action or mode to save his life.  Military combat training is intended to keep a warrior functioning effectively during inconceivable danger and unconscionable mayhem and death.  For thousands of years, combat veterans have had issues about returning to civilian life after hostilities cease. Western medicine is only recently tackling this wounding of the warrior soul.

Perhaps a surprise issue, noticed by professionals dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) among veterans, is the discovery that this malady can be found in adults who were abused in childhood.  The resulting, lingering "safety device" behaviors might be seen by family members as bad life choices, inability to follow sound advice or weaknesses of character. But actually, the body remembers being overwhelmed by danger in the home, and created triggers to avoid danger that are very effective, but poorly defined.  These hard-wired memories may contain no pictures, just frustrating cattle prods to steer the adult away from what the young child's body interpreted as danger.

In my own "case," I served in the military in a non-combat role, but my difficulties at birth and in my first two months of life set me up for susceptibility to further traumatization by harsh physical discipline.  The creation of PTSD may have been in those first two months, with the discipline piling on for additional effect.  And I'm being treated for it successfully, 60 years later.  How was it affecting me all my life?  Next.

Body Memories (Those physical memories from events)

I've been doing some work on my PTSD.  I had mistakenly credited it solely to harsh discipline as a young child. But it started with my breech birth.  My birth required turning me in the womb before bringing me out shoulder first.  Then in the first several weeks my stomach stopped letting my food into my small intestine.  I was starving, losing weight, with salts and other body systems pushed out of whack.  The malfunctioning stomach valve was operated on at 8 weeks.  The difficult birth, malfunctioning stomach and surgery act together to traumatize a newborn.

In a normal birth, the infant is positioned correctly, and when the time is right, he/she begins to stretch and push off while pointed at the exit. The mother's natural waves of contractions aid the expulsion.  The turned-around little guy has the same instincts as the normally positioned baby (to push off, seek the exit with his head, and to begin twisting to start the corkscrew movement through the birth canal.)  But the breeched little body registers that something is wrong.  There appears to be no exit, the contractions are not helping, the little being has a survival instinct that goes into overdrive against the physical confusion.  When the doctor, midwife, helper must reach up into the birth canal to reposition the baby, this is not part of "instinct."

The baby's emergency system kicks in.  It feels the unnatural force being applied, including grabbing and pulling. Its protective reaction is to tense up, to freeze, to flex to keep the body together because it appears to be getting pulled apart.  Getting the baby out is necessary, or baby and mother will die.  But the newborn has a physical memory of a near-death experience that was averted by freezing. Trauma expert Peter A. Levine describes freezing as if a driver were to floor the car accelerator and step heavily on the brake simultaneously. Massive opposing forces clashing.  The baby's amygdala records "When things don't go right--FREEZE!" There is NO CONSCIOUS MEMORY at all.  Baby appears to remember nothing about the incident.  But the little nervous system develops titanium neuro-wiring of the life-saving actions taken by the body, and remembers for all time, to be used whenever "something scary" presents itself.

The definition of "something scary," the trigger, may be as simple as "any novelty." The young nervous system is seconds old, has NO experience, yet wires in beyond the reach of the conscious mind a life-saving procedure that might remain in effect for an entire life.  It's reachable to reverse, but by specific methods that take advantage of the body's natural desire to release itself from the accelerator/brake freezing response.

Here's a link to an article I enjoyed on this topic:
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/did/111512

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting?

What obstacle do I see that interferes with parenting?  Interferes with giving thought to learning how to parent more reasonably?

Unhappiness.

What kind of unhappiness do many of us feel?  Maybe we're not where we would like to be financially, or on the career ladder.  Maybe we're having trouble communicating with our spouse, and it's taking a toll on us.  Maybe we're "settling" somewhere in our existence that is eating at us.  Maybe we're angry, or feeling helpless.

When I was a step-parent in my first marriage, I was unhappy with my job, I changed careers, then I met my first wife and changed back.  For my first eight years of parenting, I was in law enforcement.  I think cops have an unusually hard time leaving the job at the office. The rate of alcoholism and divorce is among the highest for this career. They bring the necessities for survival home with them, the gun and the attitude.  I was hard-headed and believed I was always right.  Some remarkable men and women pull off civilized parenting under those conditions, but more cops are unnecessarily harsh with their kids than the general parent populace.  But I'm talking here to parents who suspect or know that they want better communication with their spouse or with their kids.

We all hear that the most important thing in any relationship is communication. We could have gotten that test question right ever since high school.  Did I think that I was a communicator?  You bet.  Why did I think I had the skills?  Because I could speak clearly in complete sentences.  What more was there to it?  But why did I have communication problems with my first wife?  She was a teacher.  She spoke clearly in complete sentences all day.  That marriage sounds like the perfect match.  Two serious, educated talkers.  What could go wrong?

Issues.  Baggage we bring into our adult life and our relationships.  Every one of us has had some collection of parents and role models that influenced us.  We developed expectations about how to do things right. We may have developed ways of being that allowed us get what we wanted from a withholding world.  We have many habits that we don't even know about ourselves.  And every set of parents had different life mentors, who influenced them in different ways.  A simple example is "proper" procedure for family Christmas gift opening.  "It's proper to get the whole family together on Christmas morning and open the gifts one at a time."
"No, it isn't.  Everyone gets to open one gift on Christmas eve...."
No, You're wrong!  Everyone opens all their gifts all at once on Christmas eve..."
"Nuh-uh! Mom or dad passes out the gifts one at a time..." And so on.

But much more charged issues can revolve around issues like, can a wife smile at the grocery checkout clerk, or can dad stay out for a drink without calling home to say he'll be late?  Does a child being late home from school require a spanking?  How tolerant should family members be about lying?  If alcoholism plagued parents, and inconsistency was the order of the child's life, that grown kid may have a problem identifying normality.  Strangely, people with hard upbringings find each other.  They seem to find comfort in the company of a similarly challenged grown-up.  Comfort doesn't mean they are happy.

I'm speaking of a "comfort zone" that includes negative behaviors that are familiar to the partner--they've seen it in their own lives.  Lying, cheating, trying to explain away bad behavior with fast talking or displays of anger, maybe even hitting.

Identifying and modifying some of these issues will be helpful in making a couple happier with each other, and will make fertile ground for happiness and reasonableness in the home they are creating.  I believe I was an example of a resistant-to-education parent.  I was certain that what I "knew" about life and relationships was "the Truth."  This attitude is a prescription for unhappiness, unreasonableness, and never-ending family conflict. How can this be repaired

Make everyone aware that they have some expectations for how life, marriage, career, child-rearing and adulthood in general should go.  And no one else has the exact same expectations.  Yours are not necessarily right, and neither are anyone else's.  So let's learn to talk about what is up for us and to hear what is up for others.  Without judgement, acknowledge the differences and get help to build a collaborative team framework at allows happiness for all involved.

More to come

"Pursuit of Happiness" - What does that look like?

Years ago, a family friend expressed a Christmas Holiday wish, to to experience a day as happy as the people in  TV beer commercials.  The statement stuck with me.  The question came up for me, if I'm in pursuit of "happiness," what will it look or feel like when I find it?

I would like to be happy, and I wish happiness on everyone.  Is it possible for everyone to be happy at once?  Would that be like big beer party, only happening for a day, then returning to business as usual?  or could happiness be something entirely different.

I began looking into the meaning of "happiness."  "A state of well being and contentment," says Merriam-Webster.  At first, this struck me as underwhelming.  Isn't happiness more like "I got a raise, my team won the championship, my child got a good job, I found a $100 on my walk?"

Tony Robbins talks about "changing your state" when you're down in the dumps.  Simple gestures like throwing your hands out to the side quickly a couple of times, or smiling, will invigorate, release endorphins and make you feel better.  I began smiling, privately, while I walked to work.  I experienced rushes of nice feelings.  I began to notice my thoughts about this phenomenon.

"People will think I'm crazy if they see me smiling by myself, I'd better stop." "I'm upset--I deserve the right to STAY upset--and not use this phony method to 'Change my state.'" Or my internal, striped-shirted referee threw penalty flags into the air. "I'm cheating at life, I'm feeling happy for no reason. There have been no changes in my life to bring me such pleasure, I haven't accomplished something. I don't deserve this!"

I was troubled.  I was feeling better by making little changes.  It cannot be this simple.  Then I read the statement, "Happiness is an attitude you bring with you to your activities."  What!?  Isn't happiness the feeling of success?  Achievement?  Good fortune? A celebration? If the quote is even POSSIBLE, wouldn't that mean that happy person is carrying happiness around with him?

What a thought.
More tomorrow.

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

  

My Project: To create a curriculum for teaching Americans how to communicate in relationships and with their children.  My experience of “Doing the best I could” in my first marriage was a failure.  The goal is to replace “Best I could do” parenting with tools proven successful in making the family unit a safe haven for all the members.  The ultimate goal is for all family members to thrive with family support.

Guiding Belief: Make family satisfaction a common occurrence. The basic experiences of family life, when they are successful, are inherently invigorating: providing guidance, receiving guidance, tackling problems, facing challenges, learning, sharing, speaking your truth, communicating with parents, children, friends, partners, being heard, being understood, growing up - these are the stuff of the good life. They also require the skills to make plans, achieve goals, and cope with obstacles and interpersonal conflict in a way the increases our experience of satisfaction and fulfillment with each step of the journey.

My Plan: America has a sizeable population of dedicated professionals in fields such as:

·                    Therapy-professionals who help you locate, understand and move past blocks, childhood programming and cope with problems.

·                    Life Coaching-These folks push you to success in areas you select.

·                    Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)-The form of “re programming,” eliminating the effect of negative messages in our minds and hearts that hold us back.

·                    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), -A method of reducing the effects of trauma, PTSD, and other limiting experiences, to re-empower us to function as if we had been rebooted and returned to our un-limited selves..

·                    Hypnotherapy-Using a very successful form of relaxation, these specialists can allow you to participate in a process to experience change and growth (you select) without habitual fear.

·                    Nonviolent Communication (NVC)-this technique allows people in conflict to learn each others unmet needs, and address these often unspoken issues that block earnest attempts at reaching agreement or reconciliation.

I will collect representatives from these and other fields. I will invite authors of communication and parenting books to add to the accrued expertise.  Together, we will create a system of instruction that will be conducted by professionals certified in our discipline.  The Instruction will (This doesn't cost much at all - there are services that will essentially do these on demand - trivial costs compared to the rest of the program)also be made available on DVD and booklet form for self study—One set for the professional practitioners, the other for non-transformational field clients.  The goal will be to provide The Missing Manuals for Successful Marriage and Parenting that have been sought after for so long.

The actions that need to take place are:

·        Contacting and enrolling approximately 20 professionals and authors spanning the contributing fields, sharing the Guiding Belief  in direction

·        Determining the subject areas to be addressed in materials

·        Collaborating on the subject matter and approach

·        Hiring a writer—perhaps from within the group, to create the materials

·        Videotaping sessions, role-play and instructions

·        Enlist an actor or professional speaker to narrate the materials onto DVD.

My Motivation: In many American homes, spouses’ and parents’ communication is guided primarily by their individual experiences and expectations. These are good people, who often happen to lack a personal history of successful family communication in stressful situations. When they are faced with difficult and challenging moments, they find themselves unable to connect with their children or spouse, and get frustrated, angry, or even violent and depressed.. The other person also gets upset and a negative cycle gets built which they do not know how to break out of or resolve.

This is not only a social concern, it is personal to me. I’ve been that kid; I’ve been that parent. As a child caught in the cycle of violence, I attempted to fend for myself, developing patterns to keep my parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no emotional support except from peers. As a parent, I have become so upset and stressed out that yelling, dominating, spanking and eventually giving up - to the detriment of my wife and children, were all I knew how to do.

I have also been blessed to learn new skills to become a supportive parent.  Not perfect, of course, but a vastly happier and more communicative Dad,  whose kid comes to him for solace and celebration still, as an adult. 

How many Americans fall prey to the belief that their family struggles are just the way life is? That they have no real choice in the matter? I want to provide them that choice. There are tools available that everyone can learn and use to keep communication open, and have fulfillment become a regular and growing part of their lives!

The situation is clear, and dire. If we do not offer a better choice to people, if this common pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality is that our families will continue to deteriorate. The trend will continue towards ever shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce.  

Debating the various possible causes doesn't help.  Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system, increasing symptoms of PTSD from combat, abuse, incarceration becoming accepted as "normal," direct intervention is a must. Without learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home.  Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to.  The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication.  A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or a parent’s workaholism.  Happiness will be more than a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.

The Strangest Story Blows My Mind

My brother Mark's ex-wife, now a very successful writer, told him a memory from her own childhood.  One evening, very young Shelly was unable to sleep.  She called to her dad and expressed her concern.  He said, "Well, Honey, why don't you turn on your lamp and read until you get sleepy."  I have been reciting the story over and over in my mind for four or five days since reading it.  My brother added that our parents would have taken failure to fall asleep as an affront to their authority.  I think if we had such an event, we would have remained silent, not sought their counsel.  Below is an email I sent him as I continue to stew over this story's impact on me.

I keep stirring this blown-mind issue over this wonderful story of your Ex.  I'm not done assessing it's impact on me.  It occurs to me that your evaluation was important in my grokking my amazement at this parental gesture from a parallel universe. Your noting that our folks would have taken this situation as an affront to their authority was clear and precise.  Good eye.  Well said.

I'm troubled that I never had such a solution even occur to me as one I'd reject.  I'm pleased with the changes I wrought on myself after being hard on stepsons Eddie and Steve, then being  human, thoughtful, and communicative with natural son Jake.  I took to heart the idea that we have more control of our responses to events than we are often told.  Example: your child runs into the street as car approaches, you run out and snatch the little one from tragedy, then paddle him ferociously for nearly getting killed, and for putting you through this emotional experience. Awakened approach: Kid runs into street, you runout and snatch him up and return to sidewalk.  You hug him while you catch your breath, think about what just happened and what could have happened, and you tell him "oh my gosh, don't run out into the street like that.  It's very dangerous.  You scared me.  I was so afraid you'd be terribly hurt and have to spend a long time in the hospital getting well from being hit by a car.  I'd be very sad that you were so hurt.  The street is a place for cars to drive and kid need to stay on the sidewalk to be safe."

I remember that I brought Jake a bowl of hot cereal to his bedside each morning.  I was mildly concerned that we would have an Oatmeal Accident, but we went through several uneventful years before he one morning he changed position and dropped the bowl on his comforter.  All my concern over the past years came back to mind, I looked at the small mess, there was no injury, no burns.  Jake looked at me for a response, I took a moment, considered everything in my thoughts, then said, "Well, we've been doing this for years, and this is the first accident.  I think our ratio of success to failure is very good."  We cleaned it up and I made him another bowl. I thought about changing the arrangement, but I don't think we did.  I think I made more certain that he was positioned where he wanted to be.

I think about helping parents find happiness in smaller doses than the longed for "ship coming in" resulting in  abounding wealth and happiness. Jon Kabat-Zinn (Howard's son-in-law) writes of his three year old daughter getting ready for pre-school each morning.  She would bring out two or three dresses to consider wearing that day, and would seek Dad's advice.  This daily procedure would irk dad, he would urge her to make the choice, or try to make it for her, and the wonderfulness of parenthood would escape him.  When he noticed how upset he was, and how resolved she was to go through this routine, he made a change.  They adjusted sleeping and waking hours to accommodate the morning ritual. He was able to appreciate her eye and her dedication to looking and feeling right about her daily look.  He got to enjoy her routine without concern for being late, and recalls the time-adjusted period with great fondness.

I am an Adrenalin Junkie

I'm working on my own experience from early trauma (harsh physical discipline-beating)

Had a couple of big ahas this week.  A friend pointed out that trauma survivors will often choose high adrenalin professions: cop, fireman..night-time taxi driver.

I brought that nugget to counseling.  I was happiest as a deputy sheriff while working at the most violent facility.  Eight alarms per shift, each responded to as if a deputy's life depended on the speed of showing up.  As a taxi-driver, I drank cups of coffee and bottles of Mountain Dew and Jolt Cola, kept myself amped and made a living while keeping safe, but ever vigilant.  I was/am an adrenalin junkie.  I do not sky dive, bungee-jump or hang glide.  I do tell stories of anxious moments in my life, or dangerous-violent scenes of movies by engaging my own nervous system in a fraught reproduction of the emotions of the participants.  I also describe parental brutality with occasional quick slaps of my hands that crank me up and startle onlookers. Counselor said, "You're showing me what was done to you."

I attempt to enroll people into my plan to eliminate violence from parenting by including some ferocious displays of parental anger or frustration, which actually is me putting myself into the agitated state where I am so comfortable.  It's like momentarily resetting my agitation level to my "normal," which is vigilance turned way up, preparation for being attacked is in place.  Sometimes it is interpreted as "my passion," but I actually don't know how many people might find it scary. It's also exhausting and stressful, not serving me at all.

I actually only noticed the anxiety when I felt it in counseling.  Here I was, sitting quietly talking, then I was suddenly cranked.  I may have been recalling something, and noticed that felt like I was standing at the edge of the roof of a building, I was so anxious.  What I realized yesterday, was that I was doing that all the time, and not noticing it. If I told a story of someone facing a rushing locomotive, I tried to make myself and my audience feel the fear by my telling.  If I had no one to tell a story to, I could recall it to myself.  I might jerk with the shock of being hit by the locomotive, or by an attacker, or ferociously respond to a daydreamed attack, putting myself into the "fright or fight" mode.  But I was putting myself into that anxious place.

I realized I had also been denying myself the comfort of reclining on my couch.  Counselor says, "Why don't you try it at home this week?"  "OK."

So I laid down to watch a movie.  About a team of American soldiers in Iraq whose job was to defuse bombs.  So maybe I missed the point of the exercise.  This week I'll try it again, with maybe a comedy.

Please Be a Part of the Handing Down Happiness Project.

I am concerned about American society.  I know I'm not alone.  We drown in media that tells us about war, home invasions, murders, drive-by shootings and fires, day after day.  In American homes, spouses and parents communicate guided by their individual personal experiences and expectations, with no pattern of guidance to direct them toward compatibility and collaboration.  Children often fend for themselves, developing patterns to keep parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no support except from peers.  Frustrated parents try to connect.  How many involved can fall prey to the belief that this unsatisfying struggle is...life?

If this pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality of family will continue to deteriorate. The result will be shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce.  To debate the various possible causes doesn't help.  Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system or other options, without direct intervention, including learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where there are media reports of people doing good, where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home.  Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to.  What if life were other than a sentence of rowing upstream, worrying, rowing, capsizing, rowing harder and having the expectation of toil until either death or retirement. Imagine life as one writer put it, guiding the canoe downstream from destination to destination. The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication.  A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or Dad's workaholism.  Happiness won't be a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.

The Handing Down Happiness project is a plan to spread the wealth of wisdom that grandparents have accumulated.  We'll use video snippets of Grandma and/or Grandpa passing along some "experience" they've grown from, some changes in attitude that they wish they'd made years earlier.  If they've picked up a thing or two, why not pass it on.  We'll provide technical support.  We'll also help the wise realize they have something of value to add to the mix.  Please be a part of it.

I have learned some things in my life.  I'm happier now than I used to be.  Happy is now my default way of being. And the sensation isn't what I used to think it was.  It's nice to jump to my feet when my team wins the Super Bowl, but that's something else.  A moment of excitement. What I am experiencing is quieter.  Kind of like the pleasure of seeing your child graduate, or being publicly thanked for your work.  A warm place.  A nice place to spend time.  Troubles still happen, deaths in the family, grief is still real, but where I return to is the nice place.  I'd like to help others find this nice place.

I thought I was unique.  Ha!  As I talk with my 60+ year old contemporaries, I find we have all gone through many growth experiences.  We have all looked into spirituality, self-development, or ways to help US society. My high school classmates have been working on themselves as well.  Many of us discovered ways of being that allow us to be freer or more focused, appreciative, relaxed and in different ways, happier.

What do you say we make US families happier?

I've been imagining a curriculum, a collection of courses, using the skills and knowledge of experienced professionals and experienced laymen and women to transform the US Family from overworked, harried, exhausted, angry, or struggling collections of folks sharing a roof, into calm, happy, supportive, collaborative, cooperative and loving collections of related people.

My first thought is to focus on re-framing or re-defining happiness.  Happiness requires no purchase, requires no achievement, no attainment of a goal.  Happiness is a decision about how to be.  That sounds too simple.  That's why there would need to be a course or two. Our culture, our media discourages the belief that happiness is possible without a promotion, a raise, a new relationship, a new car, or a vacation in Bali.

Some courses would help to understand the rational appearance of anger and its healthy influence on our lives. Expressing anger to fix an unmet need (like Nonviolent Communication teaches.)

Courses on communication would be available too.  There are great books and courses with helpful advice and exercises to guide people to set personal boundaries, get agreement, disperse upsets before they become cause for divorce or assault & battery.

Where I went wrong, and I believe other families go askew is believing that what "feels right" in the parent's imagination (based on personal history & tavern-logic) is actually the best course of action.  There is no American Parenting Methodology based on success of raising generations of healthy, scholarly, responsible, literate and involved citizens.

For many, US parenting is an arduous, unsatisfying, angering, limiting, challenging, 24/7 sentence for life. Let's change that.

What if family life became an opportunity to report the successes, challenges and failures of the day to a loving, supportive audience.  Mom and Dad are eager to get home, and share. To find out how the kids are.  To hold everyone, hug everyone, to hold everyone accountable for their actions and offer guidance for improvement.  I used the term "transform" earlier.  That's what it would require.  But the information is available, it needs to become more accessible and an accepted pattern of behavior. Imagine receiving the RSVP, "We can't make it Monday, that's our 'Family Success' night, how about Tuesday?"

Why We Choose Partners Who Are Wrong For Us, Again

Human Nature's Amazing Technology: The Dovetail Radar.

Why does violence occur in couples, and between parents and children?

It starts with upbringing. If beaten for years, by either a raging, drunken parent or a sober, impassioned disciplinarian, there will be some wires crossed about the propriety of physical punishment. In my conversations with adult beaten-kids, I have come across only two who claim to have never struck their children. While I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of their claims, I suspect they were unable to provide a dream of a communicative home. People who are abused physically, mentally, or are raised in the presence of it, are injured, or "dented."

How do couples who beat, or tolerate beating, find each other?

I call a skill possessed by humans “The Dovetail Radar.” I’m dented by my childhood experience with violence. I’m perhaps a 6 on a scale of 10. Ten being survivors of genocide in Sudan or The Holocaust. The radar I describe allows us to spot people who are dented to a degree similar to our own.  I believe this trait is the most accurate intuitive force possessed by humans.

People who live in a frightening place—like a violent home—learn patterns of self-preservation, like lying, deceiving, rebelling, attacking, tantrums, rage, or effusive praise, saccharine facades, propriety, shyness, reserve and charm combined in many ways. Suppose a young woman has been regularly beaten, whipped through childhood. Suppose her “score” was an 8 on our fictitious scale. She has learned to conceal her interests, or believes she has no interests, because long ago she found personal interests were dangerous. They got her beaten. She lies about many things. It keeps her safe. She conceals her truth to avoid provoking  rage in others.

She meets a boy raised in a home where conversation between family members was supportive, and remains so into his adulthood. Let's call his score on our Radar scale a 2. When these two hang around for an afternoon, she finds him weird because he talks so openly about himself, and he asks questions about her. And he frowns often and tilts his lead like a puppy in a TV commercial.

He finds her strange, rambling on with inconsequential dramas. She seems mad at people. There’s something in her that repels him, even though she’s really pretty. She doesn't feel genuine. Here we have the pair of radars, the girl with a score of 8, and the guy with a score of 2. They will not "Dovetail." The 2 (healthier relationships) detects evasive answers and improbable descriptions coming from the 8. The 8 finds the 2 naive and uninteresting.

Those with lower scores, more familiar with telling their truth, revealing their desires and interests to supportive family, will find the game-playing of the 8’s irritating, dramatic, and unfulfilling. There’s no quickening of the heartbeat, no blip on the their radars.

Ms 8 does find a bigger than life, handsome ladies-man VERY cute, and he knows how to talk to her. Another 8. He has developed charm, fake sweetness and deception. To her, he is ELECTRIC. He seems to really appreciate her. They don’t know about the dark sides of each other's families, but somehow the attraction is powerful. For reasons unknown to them, they are all over each other (they'd call it animal magnetism) Like the carpenter's joint interlocking two pieces of wood—they “dovetail,” like lacing fingers. They just FIT.

But for the two 8s, life starts intruding on their passion, and darkness appears. One may lie, cheat or rage. The other sticks around, comfortable with drama, hoping things will change, putting up, believing, raging, heart breaking, but persisting. Scores can even result from different parental methods. She, viciously beaten, locked in her room, deprived of food for punishment. He, threatened, told he was worthless, stupid, ignorant, watched his mother beaten by his father and other men in her life. The radar we all possess, will find mates that have similar scores.

Counseling, growth, achievement, increased self esteem through therapy, courses and other interventions will change these patterns and make healthy relationships possible.  Honest.

I've Lost My Little Boy!!

My Worst Nightmare

Baggage. The stuff from childhood. My personal strangeness includes wanting no one to overhear my conversation. I have no story for it. I fear humiliation.

This weakness became clear to me when my young step-kids would ask me questions while riding on the bus. I was afraid some nearby Muni-rider would snort at my answer. So I would tell the boys to stop asking questions.

Years later, my natural son, about three, and I went to a small sandbox in the Marina district of San Francisco. After a few minutes, I noticed he wasn't in view. I called his name and there was no answer. If you ever wonder what an anxiety attack feels like, this is it.

“Jake!” He had started looking for me and walked away. He came running. I hugged my little guy and told him how afraid I had been. “We need to work out a way that when we feel lost, we don't go looking. That can get us really lost. We call out, "DAD!" or "Son!!"

“OK, Dad.”

We went shopping at the Marina Safeway. While I went from item to item down an aisle, I heard "DAD!"  My little reseacher was testing this system.

"Over here!"

"Dad!"

I could hear his calmness, so my wits stayed put. “I’m standing in the middle of an aisle, go to the end and look down the aisles toward my voice.”  We just spent a few seconds re-connecting. For a grown man with a fear of public humiliation, I decided the terror at the sandbox was worse than anything. I couldn't have that happen again. No one seemed troubled by our system. Not that I looked. I also started answering his questions while riding the Muni. 

Is Corporal Punishment Different Than Corporate Punishment?

What is the proper use of corporal punishment?

Example Silly Scenario

1. The vice president of the corporation holds a meeting of managers in his division. When he says that we need to communicate better with our subordinates, a senior manager says, "I think we need a good example to follow, to imitate." The VP demands, "Are you suggesting I'm not setting the tone!?" The senior manager sheepishly looks down. The VP lunges forward, grabs the senior manager, lifts her out of her chair, presses her over the table and delivers three ferocious paddles to her rear end. He releases her and orders her back to her office until she repairs her attitude.

The VP is attempting to develop the latest methods for teamwork, for focus, for an engaged staff by conducting these meetings. His goal is increased profitability in his division by raising the morale of the employees. The senior manager made a statement that seemed to challenge the VP's authority and his methods. What he says, goes. He will not brook insubordination.

Have you ever seen this kind of action in a corporate meeting? In a public meeting? In a private meeting of adults? When would this behavior be acceptable?

But you knew all along, didn't you?  The Senior Manager, age 32...is the VP's daughter.

The Positives ( I guess) of the action:

S.Mgr learns not to surprise the boss,

Learns not to embarrass him in front of other subordinates.

Team learns that VP will not tolerate challenge. Just act agreeable at work.

Team learns that suggestions could be dangerous, so hold them back.

Better to just go along with the VP's program, and don't recommend adjustments.

Subordinates will learn to love the boss when they adapt to keeping quiet and avoiding appearance of challenge.
The Negatives of the action:

Daughter learns she can not speak her truth.

Team learns that work is not the place to speak your truth.

Truth-telling time should be confined to (away from job) get-togethers with peers.

Truth-telling will be met with forceful suppression.

If the VP's program is really not working, no one will come tell him.

Corporal punishment drives a wedge between the VP and his direct reports.

What other pros and cons do you see?

Now, imagine the meeting took place at the daughter's tenth birthday party. Same script. Would the pros and cons be different? Would your attitude be different?

"Scarring" your child -- What Does That Even MEAN?

As I sit among folks and talk about kids and grandkids, I'm struck by the variety of opinions about what "discipline" is, what little kids should expect to be exposed to in the molding process.

I have used the term "scar a child," and I am imagining some recoiling by parents who wonder what could I be talking about.  Scarring is a dramatic term.  But Merriam Webster defines it, "A lasting moral or emotional injury."  So am I picturing a whimpering child, adolescent and eventually adult who assumes the fetal position and sucks his thumb for ever?  No.  Kids learn to hide these injuries, and grow into damaged citizens who seek therapy or beat their own kids.  I believe some parents are clueless about types of training appropriate for maintaining household order.  But what can we expect if we let every parent try to re-invent the wheel.

Does corporal punishment scar kids? When you bark at or rage at kids, and they stay out of your way, have you succeeded in developing a responsible person? Research shows that when the normal "fight or flight" response is active for prolonged periods, or constantly, in a child, the child's brain will develop "wiring" connections that are abnormal. The results can include instant violence without thought--automatic resort to violence.

A child raised with adrenalin pumping will grow into an adult with responses developed during prolonged fear. This often results not only in violence, but also resistance to taking reasonable adult action, e.g., getting an education, seeking employment, communicating with a spouse or a child. Confrontation, criticism and attempts at guidance may trigger aggravation and violence before the man can even consider the possibility of change and growth.

No sane parent wants that for their child. The moral or emotional injuries that come from bursts of parental anger have after-effects for the child that can influence quality of life, relationships and future choices unforeseeable by the pissed-off parent. Now, how do we convince millions of parents that the anger and need to corporally discipline (like THEY were disciplined) ISN"T OK, and doesn't bring about the intelligent, authentic, courageous, open, warm, loving and supportive man and woman they hope for?

Would You Know a Loving Parent If You Saw One?

What Does a Loving Parent Look Like?

If you were to counsel a young cousin, someone you have regard for, great hopes for, familial love for, but no accumulated, day-to-day emotional stuff/baggage, how would you address them? Would you would be nice, warm, and supportive? When you see their concern about some issue, would you take time to ask about it, and listen to the responses? Wouldn't it be wonderful to hear years later that your kind attention and calm advice was very important to them. Imagine that kind of focus on your own kid, daily--or close to daily. What an amazing start to creating the safe haven I propose.

Imagine yourself having a child, and striving every day to be warm, supportive and loving. You sit with him and talk with him about his day--he might ask you about your day. When a behavior by your youngster troubles you, you might guide the conversation around to the behaviour you would like to eliminate. Talk about it. No lecture. Hear her explanation about why the behavior happened. Consider, was it more reasonable than you thought? Was the result of the behavior satisfying to the youngster? Did it make you sad, or mad, or disappointed? Could you get them thinking about alternative actions? Maybe they'd think of one that they would find satisfying and you wouldn't object to. Make it a visionquest of a conversation. Be open to a solution coming from the little one. If he doesn't produce the "answer," he will know that you were asking seriously, seeking an answer, and not preaching.

You could even incite your little angel to...think about it...and get back to you.

A Review of Dr. Tick's book on PTSD

I was reading the praise, by multiple veterans, for Dr. Tick's book.  This review moved me, thought I'd share.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

 The Way Home for Our Veterans, November 30, 2007

By	Remy Benoit (Louisiana United States) - See all my reviews

Back in the world.
Often within 24-48 hours.
It is over--
It is never over.

Now you are:
son--daughter
mom--dad
husband--wife
friend--lover
You are home.
It is over--
It is never over.

Rank does not matter anymore. The decisions are yours now. Yet those with whom you served are forever, inextricably, a part of you.

When you went in country, wherever that was, the you who went in was a different you than the you who came back to the world. That you, the you of innocence, did not come home; couldn't possibly come home, having come to know what the survivor you knows, what the survivor you has experienced.

A new you, an infinitely more complicated you; a you of lost innocence, at almost every level, has come home.

And home looks and feels different.
And everyone looks different.
And you have all changed.

You cringe, or hit the ground, at noises commonplace while they carry on with the everyday of the life they know.
Shadows lurk, scurry into and out of the dark, as if a dark collage artist were pasting over the new reality you are experiencing with the old you had hoped to have left behind.
You wake up screaming.
Sit facing doors.
And no matter what you wear, you still feel naked, weak, without your weapon sleeping next to you, without the powerfully protective feeling of your weapon in your hand.

You are home; yet still adrift in sand; yet still treading on the floor of the jungle with the thickly twisted canopy keeping out the light; yet still crawling into dank, stinking holes in the mountains. You are home; yet in a seemingly parallel universe that weaves in and out of the world you are told that you live in now; a fluctuating Twilight Zone, beyond even Serling's imagination, where apple pies morph into Daisy Cutters, where the crunch of a nut cracker on a walnut amps into an IED exploding under, around, next to you.

Welcome Home.

Dr. Edward Tick has an awesome gift for you--a road map that will put you on the path to re-connect your conflicting parallel worlds into one that is manageable for you.

Any soldier, any civilian, who has known war has known it as the experience of living on the edge, of knowing life most sharply honed while death and destruction steam, reek, explode all around; but the modern soldier also is burdened at soul level with the very real possibility of war's escalation to the ultimate destruction. That burden, like all the others, is also carried by his soul.

Dr. Tick's War and the Soul: Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder explores, unearths, de-mystifies the myths of war. Its wisdom is applicable to the veterans of any nation or time. It brings home war's verities, and it will help to bring you home, as with him you unravel what you are feeling, why you are feeling it; find that the others who were there feel what you feel, and know what you know--illuminates what those at home have to be brought to comprehend.

War and the Soul will help you understand where all those missing soul pieces have gone. It will guide you in fetching them back. It will make you know that what you are feeling is a normal, not an abnormal, reaction to a chaos of war unleashed on your body, mind, soul, and spirit.

With clarity in dissecting the myths of war; by sharing Veterans' stories, observations, experiences, and nightmares, Dr. Tick helps guide you a to a new place where you can understand the impact of war on you and begin to step out of its chaos. If you want to come home, War and the Soul is the road map you need.

Yes, you need physical, mental therapy to leave the chaos of war for the order of "normal" life. But deep healing calls for soul and spiritual re-alignment. For that, Dr. Tick is there with cultural myths, with compassion and understanding, with the cultural rituals necessary for re-initiation into society. He is the spiritual shaman, the soul reviver whom you need to begin your real journey home.

War and the Soul is a book every soldier, every veteran, every civilian needs to read--and tell others about. It brings a new perspective to war, and to the healing of those we send to fight. We--all of us--need to understand these things if any soldier anywhere is ever to truly come home.

Will It Disappoint You If Your Child Copies Your Behavior?

What would you like your children to have learned by the time they reach adulthood?

Tell the truth. Behave honorably. Be trustworthy. Don't hit. Work hard. Enjoy yourself. Love yourself. Love your family. Relax. Show up when you say you will. Drive carefully. Drink in moderation.

How do our offspring learn these things? Mostly from role models. We figure prominently in that collection of influences. My mid-twenties son drives a little faster than I would prefer. Maybe it is from those years when he rode with me in the front seat of my taxicab. Maybe I was whipping around more than I do now, and that stayed with him. Or maybe he's young and in a hurry. But he's honest and reliable. He works hard. He loves earnestly. I'm very proud of him.

Hidden amidst the desired attributes listed is, "Don't hit." This is an important one. How can we get a tot to stop hitting. You can talk to them about it, ask why they're doing it, tell them how it disappoints you to have them hurting people. If they've gotten out of control--ala the SuperNanny/Nanny 911 case studies, then the naughty chair for two, three or four minutes followed by a hug and and apology is a fine, non-scarring remedy.

Suppose I walk into the nursery school to catch my two year old pulling a playmate around by her hair. If I grab him by his arm, jerk him up into the air, shouting to "Let Go!" and swat his butt, what is he learning? Is he learning to play fair and nice? Is he learning not to grab a playmates hair in front of his dad? Is he learning that the biggest toughest guy makes the rules?

A while back, I watched a dad drag his 10 year old son out of a restaurant and berate him for some offensive behavior at the son's own birthday party. The son was in a karate gi, and was an advanced ranked belt. The father clearly wanted his son to learn discipline, to be able to take care of himself, to avoid being a victim. But dad was unintentionally terrifying his son, and victimizing him. Dad looked murderous. The Dad and I talked later--(as he was about to drag his son from the restaurant AGAIN.)

I suggested that he take it easy on his son. The kid's 10. He'll disappoint his dad during the growing process. I know I disappointed mine a couple of times, and I bet this dad that he did too. Dad can guide him without making him fear for his life. Telling the boy his actions toward the waitress were a let-down will get the boy's attention. Dad & I shook hands after our chat.

I know how frazzled one can get while raising a kid. Being better prepared to deal with an irritating moment, having a plan for how to act and what to say and do will make everything much easier. Talking to her, using "I messages" as Dr Thomas Gordon suggests, will keep your blood pressure down and your relationship with your child healthy. And you'll be modeling rationality, not modeling "Losing It."

When's a Good Age to Start Spanking? Sarcasm.

What is an appropriate age to start to strike your children?

Five years? Two years? Three months? Fresh out of the womb?

How should it be introduced? Should it begin with a flick of the middle finger to the forehead? A slap on the back of their hand? A backhand or forehand slap to the face or midsection? A coathanger to the bare buttocks?

And when should we discontinue the practice? When they are thirteen? When they are twenty? When they stop disappointing you?  Or when they grab your hand, put their face in yours and tell you, "NEVER do that again."

Thousands of studies have been done to find out the effectiveness of corporal punishment (violent disciplining.) How much is too much? how much is too little? How frequently should it be used for best results? how hard should I hit? Should it be different for a one month old infant and a five year old? Should I remove the child from public view? Should I use a tool (weapon) or bare hands, pants up or pants down?

Unfortunately, every study keeps coming up with similar results: avoiding violence--both verbal and physical, produces a healthier child. There is no argument among scientific studies on this point. Every study.

For many parents, the jury is still out because no one has scientifically deduced that smackin' the tyke does him any good. Any day now someone may publish a study that suggests we had it right all along, and the periodic butt-kicking will develop a well-balanced child. And because our fierce violent response comes so automatically, it seems to be natural. Some angry parents believe those scientists with the lame test results were looking in the wrong place, or they must be afraid of their kids.

James Dobson says it's OK to hit. He doesn't care about those scientists either. If he's going to fly in the face of all the evidence and say it's OK, if he believes he is preaching moderation as to the degree of force, then he should make videos available showing how lightly he's hitting, how few times he spanks, how much "love" there is in every responsible whack.

Although I am in TOTAL disagreement with James Dobson on the hitting question, he's on a thousand radio stations and in hundreds of papers. If he were to film guidelines for moderating ferocity, society would benefit.  If he isn't guiding specifically by SHOWING us, then he is simply telling America that hitting is OK. That leaves it to the childhood experience (or the anger level) of the whacker as to just how senseless to beat his little darling for slopping juice on her dress.

If I've been unclear, should I expect a confused parent to step up and slap me for not being clearer?  Or should I be held down and spanked for failing my responsibility to be crystal clear?  How old must you be before you are entitled to conclude that the beating you've just received had nothing to do with love?

My Commitment to Ending Family Violence

I Commit to End Family Violence in America

(and promote a culture of peaceful support in American families)

I was raised in a working class family in San Francisco. The Sunset district housed many parents buying their first homes after WWII, raising the earliest of the Baby Boomers. There was an appearance of propriety, kids were "well-behaved," civility between neighbors was the code.

A central problem, a fear, running silently through this generation of parents was: "What if my child becomes...SPOILED? Oh, my God! What if he's shivvering, and he says--right in front of 'company', 'I'm cold.' Then--I tell him to go to his room and put on a sweater, or the little ingrate would certainly say it again. He's living in MY house, by MY rules, he's not a BABY any more--he's four years old."

Children were to be seen and not heard. They were not to inconvenience parents any more than absolutely necessary. They HAD to be fed and clothed, they grew like WEEDS, it took TRAINING to keep them silent, well-mannered, never interrupting an adult, and keeping problems to themselves other than broken bones or spilled blood. The nature of that training was the problem.

"Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child," was the tenet. Everyone who followed that famous bromide had a belief that THEIR application of the spanking rod, regardless of ferocity, was the appropriate level of force. I was raised with this violence by a mother who herself had a soul-crushing childhood. Her life experience began long before my delivery. No parent is a clean slate.

I believe every parent starts with all the good intentions of raising a strong, capable, intelligent child. Then their history and their life gets in the way. Parents may calmly weigh their disciplinary options, but the sheer 24/7 aspect of demands by kids, by spouse, by circumstances will catch the mere mortals at their weakest moments.  People with harshness in their background then resort to spanking, hitting, slapping, punching, demeaning or spirit-breaking.

If, as a child, a parent was beaten into submission, told she was "worthless," "stupid," "ugly," "headed nowhere," she will have difficulty raising her child without bringing that self-image and those methods to bear. These battered adults often DEFEND violent upbringing, saying, "Dad only brought out the belt when I needed it." "Mom had a lot of buttons, and I used to push'em, I was a hard case."

Many counselors report that counseling begins with the statement that "I had a happy childhood, my folks were loving and fair." Examination then reveals there are grounds for sadness, bitterness, and anger. If there was violence, surprising feelings will come up. Reading and counseling in adulthood creates awareness that parents had alternatives to "the belt," or to heart-spearing words.

Even if a parent is conscious enough or angry enough to renounce violence, she will have difficulty erasing her history. Simply making the commitment to not hit, in my experience, provides no positive tools for disciplining a child, and can lead to ugly alternatives--shaking, pushing, yelling, controlling, demeaning comments that also scar the child.

Counseling, reading, coaching, transformative exercises, NLP, hypnosis and real communication plus learning tools for different situations are essential for a parent with a history of violence to raise a child without shouting or striking. These recommendations would also help a parent, with or without a history, who is considering flying by the seat of the pants through this child-rearing odyssey.