"Pursuit of Happiness" - What does that look like?

Years ago, a family friend expressed a Christmas Holiday wish, to to experience a day as happy as the people in  TV beer commercials.  The statement stuck with me.  The question came up for me, if I'm in pursuit of "happiness," what will it look or feel like when I find it?

I would like to be happy, and I wish happiness on everyone.  Is it possible for everyone to be happy at once?  Would that be like big beer party, only happening for a day, then returning to business as usual?  or could happiness be something entirely different.

I began looking into the meaning of "happiness."  "A state of well being and contentment," says Merriam-Webster.  At first, this struck me as underwhelming.  Isn't happiness more like "I got a raise, my team won the championship, my child got a good job, I found a $100 on my walk?"

Tony Robbins talks about "changing your state" when you're down in the dumps.  Simple gestures like throwing your hands out to the side quickly a couple of times, or smiling, will invigorate, release endorphins and make you feel better.  I began smiling, privately, while I walked to work.  I experienced rushes of nice feelings.  I began to notice my thoughts about this phenomenon.

"People will think I'm crazy if they see me smiling by myself, I'd better stop." "I'm upset--I deserve the right to STAY upset--and not use this phony method to 'Change my state.'" Or my internal, striped-shirted referee threw penalty flags into the air. "I'm cheating at life, I'm feeling happy for no reason. There have been no changes in my life to bring me such pleasure, I haven't accomplished something. I don't deserve this!"

I was troubled.  I was feeling better by making little changes.  It cannot be this simple.  Then I read the statement, "Happiness is an attitude you bring with you to your activities."  What!?  Isn't happiness the feeling of success?  Achievement?  Good fortune? A celebration? If the quote is even POSSIBLE, wouldn't that mean that happy person is carrying happiness around with him?

What a thought.
More tomorrow.

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

Create the Missing Manuals on Marriage and Parenting: a Collaboration

  

My Project: To create a curriculum for teaching Americans how to communicate in relationships and with their children.  My experience of “Doing the best I could” in my first marriage was a failure.  The goal is to replace “Best I could do” parenting with tools proven successful in making the family unit a safe haven for all the members.  The ultimate goal is for all family members to thrive with family support.

Guiding Belief: Make family satisfaction a common occurrence. The basic experiences of family life, when they are successful, are inherently invigorating: providing guidance, receiving guidance, tackling problems, facing challenges, learning, sharing, speaking your truth, communicating with parents, children, friends, partners, being heard, being understood, growing up - these are the stuff of the good life. They also require the skills to make plans, achieve goals, and cope with obstacles and interpersonal conflict in a way the increases our experience of satisfaction and fulfillment with each step of the journey.

My Plan: America has a sizeable population of dedicated professionals in fields such as:

·                    Therapy-professionals who help you locate, understand and move past blocks, childhood programming and cope with problems.

·                    Life Coaching-These folks push you to success in areas you select.

·                    Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)-The form of “re programming,” eliminating the effect of negative messages in our minds and hearts that hold us back.

·                    Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), -A method of reducing the effects of trauma, PTSD, and other limiting experiences, to re-empower us to function as if we had been rebooted and returned to our un-limited selves..

·                    Hypnotherapy-Using a very successful form of relaxation, these specialists can allow you to participate in a process to experience change and growth (you select) without habitual fear.

·                    Nonviolent Communication (NVC)-this technique allows people in conflict to learn each others unmet needs, and address these often unspoken issues that block earnest attempts at reaching agreement or reconciliation.

I will collect representatives from these and other fields. I will invite authors of communication and parenting books to add to the accrued expertise.  Together, we will create a system of instruction that will be conducted by professionals certified in our discipline.  The Instruction will (This doesn't cost much at all - there are services that will essentially do these on demand - trivial costs compared to the rest of the program)also be made available on DVD and booklet form for self study—One set for the professional practitioners, the other for non-transformational field clients.  The goal will be to provide The Missing Manuals for Successful Marriage and Parenting that have been sought after for so long.

The actions that need to take place are:

·        Contacting and enrolling approximately 20 professionals and authors spanning the contributing fields, sharing the Guiding Belief  in direction

·        Determining the subject areas to be addressed in materials

·        Collaborating on the subject matter and approach

·        Hiring a writer—perhaps from within the group, to create the materials

·        Videotaping sessions, role-play and instructions

·        Enlist an actor or professional speaker to narrate the materials onto DVD.

My Motivation: In many American homes, spouses’ and parents’ communication is guided primarily by their individual experiences and expectations. These are good people, who often happen to lack a personal history of successful family communication in stressful situations. When they are faced with difficult and challenging moments, they find themselves unable to connect with their children or spouse, and get frustrated, angry, or even violent and depressed.. The other person also gets upset and a negative cycle gets built which they do not know how to break out of or resolve.

This is not only a social concern, it is personal to me. I’ve been that kid; I’ve been that parent. As a child caught in the cycle of violence, I attempted to fend for myself, developing patterns to keep my parents and authorities at bay, experiencing no emotional support except from peers. As a parent, I have become so upset and stressed out that yelling, dominating, spanking and eventually giving up - to the detriment of my wife and children, were all I knew how to do.

I have also been blessed to learn new skills to become a supportive parent.  Not perfect, of course, but a vastly happier and more communicative Dad,  whose kid comes to him for solace and celebration still, as an adult. 

How many Americans fall prey to the belief that their family struggles are just the way life is? That they have no real choice in the matter? I want to provide them that choice. There are tools available that everyone can learn and use to keep communication open, and have fulfillment become a regular and growing part of their lives!

The situation is clear, and dire. If we do not offer a better choice to people, if this common pattern continues without intervention, if each American must re-invent the wheel in his/her attempt to be a loving partner, spouse, and parent, the reality is that our families will continue to deteriorate. The trend will continue towards ever shorter marriages, higher divorce rates, more family violence, more school violence, continued degradation of the educational system and less education of the American workforce.  

Debating the various possible causes doesn't help.  Whether it's the economy, the two working spouses, failing educational system, increasing symptoms of PTSD from combat, abuse, incarceration becoming accepted as "normal," direct intervention is a must. Without learning to communicate in a healthy way, the situation will continue to decline.

Imagine an America where children learn to recognize and communicate their needs, where parents who haven't learned those skills, may learn them to bring calm to the home.  Where the goal, the effort, the education, and the expectation is that families put energy into being a happy, safe-haven for all members to return to.  The home will be a shelter from the storm, a place of celebration, of appreciation, of support, where everyone practices healthy communication.  A place where problems are recognized and solutions sought, whether it's juvenile pot-smoking or a parent’s workaholism.  Happiness will be more than a daydream, but a path to step onto, for all the family to experience and relish.