28June08 Saturday
I have begun a 21 day cycle of relaxation and visualization using the Psycho-cybernetics model of Dr. Maxwell Maltz. Last night and again this morning I relaxed and visualized myself comfortably stating that I have a need "for respect." This week I prepared for and met with a co-worker with whom I had a dispute. I stated then that I had a need for respect. I waited a moment for a humiliating reaction from the colleague and my boss, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Who the Hell are YOU to have a need for respect!!" I was quite surprised that they sat calmly waiting for me to go on, finish my statement.
It was actually jarring. After I completed my statement, he made his, starting with the same statement. It seems we'd both been pissing each other off. So we identified the issues and agreed to end them. We're now working together fine.
This morning, during the visualizations, I realized I was unable to come up with another need. Other than food and air, my list of needs ended at respect. I will find a list in Marshall Rosenberg's text and commit some of it to memory.
This is some of the effect of violent, uneven, humiliating parenting. I know I want my kids, and now ALL kids, to become thinkers, reasoners, communicators, negotiators in their own interest. I want no kid to be afraid of me, and I want kids to be respectful because it's the right way to be--not because someone might knock them on their butt.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Don't Like NVC? Look Inside.
27Jun08
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Non-Violent Communication. At the core of this system is the understanding that disputes come up from unmet needs. That listening for and acknowledging the other's needs, or spelling out your own, has a remarkable effect.
I'm spellbound when I listen to Marshall on CD speaking his way. It's very warm and friendly, while being an unfamiliar approach to communication for me.
I found myself critical of others attempts to speak or write it. It seemed stilted in some way, unreal, not going over for me. I recently had an Aha! moment about it.
I am a mediator personality, someone who listens to both sides of a dispute, puts no personal spin on discussion of it while helping it to be resolved. I am a person who has learned as a child that having needs was dangerous. Whether I whined to get something, cried, or tried to negotiate, I learned it was VITAL to have no needs, which became "no preferences," and I became a person who was game to go-along, not to confound a decision-making time by inflicting another choice, or even a vote.
I so effectively buried my needs, that I have no concept of MY needs, or needs at all. I have to look at lists of human needs in order to answer questions about them. The Aha! was that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is based on needs, and when I listened to people talking about needs, or thought about trying to name mine or yours, I choked. I was clueless. Now, I believe I can learn about them, learn a list or two, work on recognizing... shudder... a need.
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Non-Violent Communication. At the core of this system is the understanding that disputes come up from unmet needs. That listening for and acknowledging the other's needs, or spelling out your own, has a remarkable effect.
I'm spellbound when I listen to Marshall on CD speaking his way. It's very warm and friendly, while being an unfamiliar approach to communication for me.
I found myself critical of others attempts to speak or write it. It seemed stilted in some way, unreal, not going over for me. I recently had an Aha! moment about it.
I am a mediator personality, someone who listens to both sides of a dispute, puts no personal spin on discussion of it while helping it to be resolved. I am a person who has learned as a child that having needs was dangerous. Whether I whined to get something, cried, or tried to negotiate, I learned it was VITAL to have no needs, which became "no preferences," and I became a person who was game to go-along, not to confound a decision-making time by inflicting another choice, or even a vote.
I so effectively buried my needs, that I have no concept of MY needs, or needs at all. I have to look at lists of human needs in order to answer questions about them. The Aha! was that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is based on needs, and when I listened to people talking about needs, or thought about trying to name mine or yours, I choked. I was clueless. Now, I believe I can learn about them, learn a list or two, work on recognizing... shudder... a need.
Ending Guilt with the "I-Message"
The "I message" is at the heart of many communication approaches. When the speaker spells out the activity that is troubling, then the way it makes them feel, the offender can hear it without feeling attacked.
If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.
You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"
This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.
If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.
You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"
This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.
Silenced via Backhand
26 June 08
My mom told me years ago, after watching a child whine for cooperation from his mom, that she cured me of whining at 2 years old with a back-hand. She has apologized.
She also told me I was a two and three year old that didn't touch stuff, looked at it, but didn't touch. We could visit a friend of hers and I would establish myself as a kid that didn't need "child-proofing." I've wondered what kind of toddler didn't touch stuff. I do believe it is a trained and frightened one.
An adult friend of my brother's noticed how I changed around my mom. He said, "You've studied and taught martial arts, were No. 1 in your police academy class, have taught businessmen and politicians how to speak more effectively. How can you be so afraid of this little lady?" My step sister noticed it as well, when, after I'd been there for several hours, my mother arrived at their home. Mom had been there about an hour when step-sis quietly said, "Boy, does your mom cramp your style."
I used to have brawls with my step-teen-aged boys after I visited my mom. Something exhausting about being on my best behavior to avoid enraging my mom. When we got home I was primed for a fight.
My mom told me years ago, after watching a child whine for cooperation from his mom, that she cured me of whining at 2 years old with a back-hand. She has apologized.
She also told me I was a two and three year old that didn't touch stuff, looked at it, but didn't touch. We could visit a friend of hers and I would establish myself as a kid that didn't need "child-proofing." I've wondered what kind of toddler didn't touch stuff. I do believe it is a trained and frightened one.
An adult friend of my brother's noticed how I changed around my mom. He said, "You've studied and taught martial arts, were No. 1 in your police academy class, have taught businessmen and politicians how to speak more effectively. How can you be so afraid of this little lady?" My step sister noticed it as well, when, after I'd been there for several hours, my mother arrived at their home. Mom had been there about an hour when step-sis quietly said, "Boy, does your mom cramp your style."
I used to have brawls with my step-teen-aged boys after I visited my mom. Something exhausting about being on my best behavior to avoid enraging my mom. When we got home I was primed for a fight.
Bracing for Story of Two Brothers
25 June 08 I am suddenly exhausted. I am sitting before my keyboard, organizing thoughts about my miserable treatment of my younger brother, and my energy and wakefulness has drained our of me.
Later today...off to bed now.
Later today...off to bed now.
Intro to My Use of Non-Violent Communication
24 June 08,
I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.
I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.
In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.
Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.
I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"
A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.
It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.
I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.
I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.
I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.
In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.
Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.
I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"
A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.
It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.
I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.
Intervention by Support
June 23, 2008 The Supermarket Incident
Once I was in a supermarket with my son, then about four, as we encountered a woman having trouble quieting her two or three year old boy. I believe he was hungry and was upset at the length of the trip and no snack. Mom just couldn't get him to shut up, and I could see that she was concerned about appearances in some way.
She jerked the kid out of the shopping cart seat, set him on his feet, took him by the wrist and headed for the door. I had a bad feeling that the raging mom was going to drub the hungry little fart once outside the store.
Jake and I got in step with them a car-length behind and followed them outside. Mom stopped him between a couple of parked cars and turned for a parental assault when Jake and I stepped up behind her and stopped.
Her little guy was now a model child and perfectly quiet. I told her I'd seen her frustration at his actions, and it looked like she could use some moral support. She said she brought him outside to discipline him privately, to keep from embarrassing him. I believed she didn't want to be confronted by any strangers for a violent outburst--but kept that to myself.
I talked slowly and modeled calm, talked to her little boy, found out he was tired and hungry. I recommended some crackers to stave off such displays and gave her some. I remember my boy and hers listening to me and watching us both. I told her I'd learned from my ex that a snack before and a snack along with you can keep outbursts to a minimum.
We went back into the store with the agreement that she'd finish as fast as she could and they'd get out of there. There was no spanking, and no further outburst from her tot. I think I left having offered support and a temporary solution while not shaming or blaming anyone, and not making it worse for the little guy later. My son thought it was cool.
Once I was in a supermarket with my son, then about four, as we encountered a woman having trouble quieting her two or three year old boy. I believe he was hungry and was upset at the length of the trip and no snack. Mom just couldn't get him to shut up, and I could see that she was concerned about appearances in some way.
She jerked the kid out of the shopping cart seat, set him on his feet, took him by the wrist and headed for the door. I had a bad feeling that the raging mom was going to drub the hungry little fart once outside the store.
Jake and I got in step with them a car-length behind and followed them outside. Mom stopped him between a couple of parked cars and turned for a parental assault when Jake and I stepped up behind her and stopped.
Her little guy was now a model child and perfectly quiet. I told her I'd seen her frustration at his actions, and it looked like she could use some moral support. She said she brought him outside to discipline him privately, to keep from embarrassing him. I believed she didn't want to be confronted by any strangers for a violent outburst--but kept that to myself.
I talked slowly and modeled calm, talked to her little boy, found out he was tired and hungry. I recommended some crackers to stave off such displays and gave her some. I remember my boy and hers listening to me and watching us both. I told her I'd learned from my ex that a snack before and a snack along with you can keep outbursts to a minimum.
We went back into the store with the agreement that she'd finish as fast as she could and they'd get out of there. There was no spanking, and no further outburst from her tot. I think I left having offered support and a temporary solution while not shaming or blaming anyone, and not making it worse for the little guy later. My son thought it was cool.
Instead of Pounding Your KID...
21 June 11:59PM
I believe the famous phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is the greatest single cause of astonishing brutality toward children. I also believe there is no agreement about what "spoiling" a child is, except it is to be avoided.
The phrase "spare the rod" unclearly suggests you reconsider how little you are beating your kid. It proposes open-ended ferocity. The words recommend only intensification of whatever you are doing.
Exercise: Out of earshot of any children, place a pillow in front of you, on your bed. Standing beside the bed, or kneeling on it, punch the pillow with one hand, then the other. Now, develop a rhythm, punching as you say "spare...the...rod...spare...the...rod" over again and again. Go ahead and lose count, punch harder, get winded. Do that for 30 seconds to one minute.
Notice how conducive to kicking that pillow's butt those words are.
Now if it felt good to do it, maybe two or three times a day, out of earshot of any child, beat that pillow to feather-dust.
When the therapeutic value impresses you, maybe you can introduce any children in your life to this wonderful release. Maybe you can bond as you get out your pent up aggravation, then go have milk and cookies together and talk about your days.
Then your kid looks forward to pillow beating time and the subsequent treat and bonding.
When you have that kind of bonding, your little one will surprise you with heartfelt questions. If you're like I was, you'll start raising your game in preparation for surprising insight and inquisitiveness from this tiny being. "Dad, I think Gramma is a hard person to argue with." Or questions you might never have even considered. "Dad, when is a fight over?"
But you'll love it.
I believe the famous phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is the greatest single cause of astonishing brutality toward children. I also believe there is no agreement about what "spoiling" a child is, except it is to be avoided.
The phrase "spare the rod" unclearly suggests you reconsider how little you are beating your kid. It proposes open-ended ferocity. The words recommend only intensification of whatever you are doing.
Exercise: Out of earshot of any children, place a pillow in front of you, on your bed. Standing beside the bed, or kneeling on it, punch the pillow with one hand, then the other. Now, develop a rhythm, punching as you say "spare...the...rod...spare...the...rod" over again and again. Go ahead and lose count, punch harder, get winded. Do that for 30 seconds to one minute.
Notice how conducive to kicking that pillow's butt those words are.
Now if it felt good to do it, maybe two or three times a day, out of earshot of any child, beat that pillow to feather-dust.
When the therapeutic value impresses you, maybe you can introduce any children in your life to this wonderful release. Maybe you can bond as you get out your pent up aggravation, then go have milk and cookies together and talk about your days.
Then your kid looks forward to pillow beating time and the subsequent treat and bonding.
When you have that kind of bonding, your little one will surprise you with heartfelt questions. If you're like I was, you'll start raising your game in preparation for surprising insight and inquisitiveness from this tiny being. "Dad, I think Gramma is a hard person to argue with." Or questions you might never have even considered. "Dad, when is a fight over?"
But you'll love it.
Dobson Video Might Help
19 June 11:50 am
It troubles me that some writers say it's OK to swat, spank or corporally punish. Even when they recommend some moderation, I believe they leave open the option to strike a child with ferocity. I don't see anyone using a doll to video the correct striking of a child. If someone, like James Dobson, whose books sell millions of copies, were to be THAT specific in how to correctly strike a child (I believe there is NO correct way to strike a child), I believe there would be some value. By modeling some calm, recommending a waiting period before the punishment. Maybe by requiring that the angry response subside, that you explain calmly to the child why the offending behavior will not be tolerated, the parent could find himself having accomplished the goal without raising his hand.
I believe that such a video by a resource like Dobson might reduce raging attacks on children by parents. While it saddens me that anyone considered an authority would advocate hitting a child, such an influential person as Dobson could singlehandedly reduce violence against children by demonstrating, on video, the spanker's head is clear, temper is not a factor.
Ultimately, I would hope that the video-viewing parent, while calming and collecting him/herself for an upcoming spanking, might reconsider the need for violence and consider time in the bedroom or "a good talking to."
It troubles me that some writers say it's OK to swat, spank or corporally punish. Even when they recommend some moderation, I believe they leave open the option to strike a child with ferocity. I don't see anyone using a doll to video the correct striking of a child. If someone, like James Dobson, whose books sell millions of copies, were to be THAT specific in how to correctly strike a child (I believe there is NO correct way to strike a child), I believe there would be some value. By modeling some calm, recommending a waiting period before the punishment. Maybe by requiring that the angry response subside, that you explain calmly to the child why the offending behavior will not be tolerated, the parent could find himself having accomplished the goal without raising his hand.
I believe that such a video by a resource like Dobson might reduce raging attacks on children by parents. While it saddens me that anyone considered an authority would advocate hitting a child, such an influential person as Dobson could singlehandedly reduce violence against children by demonstrating, on video, the spanker's head is clear, temper is not a factor.
Ultimately, I would hope that the video-viewing parent, while calming and collecting him/herself for an upcoming spanking, might reconsider the need for violence and consider time in the bedroom or "a good talking to."
How do you want you kids to be?
17Jun08
What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.
When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.
What do you want from your children?
How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.
I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.
I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.
What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.
When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.
Some people plan ahead, some try to "sieze the day" and enjoy life without a plan. I believe the American working class culture doesn't focus on plans. There may be more planning if we search in more prosperous families. Watch our TV shows. No TV family plans their future, sets an example, inquires into personal gifts and possible paths. This reliance on spontaneity has a negative impact on our kids and our culture.
What do you want from your children?
How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.
I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.
I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.
Pounding on your kid stays with her
16 June 2008
I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.
My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life
I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.
My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life
sticks with the victims and the witnesses in equal measure. I believe, from my experience and my reading, that breaking the pattern requires conscious intervention. Many abused kids grow into parents who swear they won't hit their kids. Most don't succeed without counseling, classes, or reading; others resort alternate destructive options, such as yelling, shaking, intimidating, threatening while priding themselves on no hitting.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Discipline: Introducing "CONSEQUENCES!"
15 June 08, 10:10PM
I have been musing, bitching, and growling about how I might contribute to improving communication in families. This is my second and last marriage, my first having been a blend of happy surrender and miserable disagreement. My first wife and I started too late looking for ways to "discipline" my three step-kids that involved more compassion and less yelling and hitting. We attended a Tough Love group a number of times that was a good first step.
At the Tough Love meeting the first Ah-Ha was the concept of "consequences." Kids need to learn there will be negative outcomes following lousy decisions. If your kid is caught "tagging" the boys lavatory, there may be suspension, suspicion following ANY subsequent tagging, searches of personal effects at school or at home until trust is re-established that no more such activity will take place. Damaged trust is a crummy pill for a kid to swallow if the relationship with parents and authority has been at all positive. And fouled trust can be incentive to straight out his act.
We tried to control her three kids, two boys and a girl, by yelling, spanking, hitting, and lecturing. The spanking and hitting was parent & step-dad out-of-control. I remember, as a kid, being lectured and hating it. I tried to lecture these urchins until they fell to their knees. It never happened, but I'm reasonably certain they all share my distaste for being lectured.
I must make clear that I have also raised a boy, now in his mid-20's, entirely without spanking, hitting, lecturing or intimidating. The difference was more compassion, some classes in assertive discipline, becoming convinced I could guide my little guy with my words and actions, and he was not a step-child, but my own.
I had thoughts of writing a how-to book for step-dads that, first, had to make clear what a thankless-feeling task is being a "step." My then wife seemed wrapped around their fingers, giving in to all their requests. I had the feeling they needed physical (corporal) discipline. I jumped at actions--that are harmless irritants by kids--and spanked or hit them.
It makes me sad that I was ruled by such ignorance and anger. It breaks my heart that I was hard on the threesome. Had I looked into some techniques, maybe read about step-parenting and the unnecessary anger that can rise so swiftly there, maybe all would have been different.
A harrowing statistic I read recently was that when any 100 child murders are looked into, 99 will have been committed by a step-parent. That means to me that there is a real threat of terrible behavior by the step-parent. It might be averted by acknowledgment of the job's difficulty, plus encouragement to learn to parent a child not your own.
I have been musing, bitching, and growling about how I might contribute to improving communication in families. This is my second and last marriage, my first having been a blend of happy surrender and miserable disagreement. My first wife and I started too late looking for ways to "discipline" my three step-kids that involved more compassion and less yelling and hitting. We attended a Tough Love group a number of times that was a good first step.
At the Tough Love meeting the first Ah-Ha was the concept of "consequences." Kids need to learn there will be negative outcomes following lousy decisions. If your kid is caught "tagging" the boys lavatory, there may be suspension, suspicion following ANY subsequent tagging, searches of personal effects at school or at home until trust is re-established that no more such activity will take place. Damaged trust is a crummy pill for a kid to swallow if the relationship with parents and authority has been at all positive. And fouled trust can be incentive to straight out his act.
We tried to control her three kids, two boys and a girl, by yelling, spanking, hitting, and lecturing. The spanking and hitting was parent & step-dad out-of-control. I remember, as a kid, being lectured and hating it. I tried to lecture these urchins until they fell to their knees. It never happened, but I'm reasonably certain they all share my distaste for being lectured.
I must make clear that I have also raised a boy, now in his mid-20's, entirely without spanking, hitting, lecturing or intimidating. The difference was more compassion, some classes in assertive discipline, becoming convinced I could guide my little guy with my words and actions, and he was not a step-child, but my own.
I had thoughts of writing a how-to book for step-dads that, first, had to make clear what a thankless-feeling task is being a "step." My then wife seemed wrapped around their fingers, giving in to all their requests. I had the feeling they needed physical (corporal) discipline. I jumped at actions--that are harmless irritants by kids--and spanked or hit them.
It makes me sad that I was ruled by such ignorance and anger. It breaks my heart that I was hard on the threesome. Had I looked into some techniques, maybe read about step-parenting and the unnecessary anger that can rise so swiftly there, maybe all would have been different.
A harrowing statistic I read recently was that when any 100 child murders are looked into, 99 will have been committed by a step-parent. That means to me that there is a real threat of terrible behavior by the step-parent. It might be averted by acknowledgment of the job's difficulty, plus encouragement to learn to parent a child not your own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)