July 6, 08 11:56pm Only When I needed it.
A uniform statement I have heard from adult children of spankers, whippers and beaters is, "My Dad beat me with a pole, or a branch, or his fist. But I was a hard case. I gave him attitude. He only kicked my ass when I needed it."
One of the sad effects of this brutality, is that it is identified by the victim as a necessary part of child-rearing. It is believed to be a part of love. I believe we (who have been through it) usually swear to be a parent who doesn't do this. From my experience, a parent doesn't beat a child all the time, everyday. But life has times where patience shortens, where peace must return, quiet and order must be restored--NOW!, you tell yourself. There can be a disagreement between adults, causing anger. A child may want attention, want to be read to, talked with, to tell about her day, and can't read the signs of impending parental explosion. Neither the adult difficulty or the KID will go away. DAMMMMMN!!
There are infinite scenarios that upset a parent, none have to make any sense, but the kids never "need it."
Violent outbursts are learned behaviors. They also indicate the parent hasn't learned an alternative response. Like the slogan, "If you are a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." You have no "toolkit" of answers for your own aggravation, disappointment, or anger. I remember a counselor telling me to count to ten before reacting. I never made it. I believe such advice comes from someone who has no personal experience with the depth of rage.
When I started learning options, I first had to learn ones that didn't work for me. Tough Love, which works for many people, for me prompted my kids to push back immediately, to the hilt. There was no fear of being locked out, or living in the garage. My teen-age step sons and I were in each others' faces until my natural son with their mother was born. I'm wish I could undo my contribution to their make-up. If I could apologize (I have) enough, sit with them in counseling to reverse the pent up anger, I would. Where did I find options?
I learned some helpful techniques from Nursery School education classes at San Francisco State and from my experience at our schools run by my then wife. I also took a class called Assertive Discipline, using a text of the same name. I recommend it. I have read recently about it. I guess some believe there are now superior methods, I am looking for them. This was the primary toolkit that allowed me to do my part of raising my boy without hits, spanks, shoves, shakes or even yelling.
Instead of counting to ten, I took action--talking. Derailing, asking questions. I'd heard of these "Time Outs," but didn't know how they worked. They are actually separation from the activity for a period of one minute per year of the child's age. Not an hour, a day or a week, but four minutes for my four year old. No grabbing, but talking. If you're little angel has become a little monster, then I really recommend watching the SuperNanny or Nanny 911 for graphic portrayal of physical handling without anger and patient response. I didn't have that problem with my own little angel.
At about four he could get fired up, maybe too much sugar, tired, needed a nap, or SOMETHING, that taxed me. I walked him to his room and told him that he must stay here for four minutes, until he could calm down and come out and rejoin me. I wouldn't be angry, we'd just settle down a bit. I set a little egg timer to four minutes and told him he could come out when it dinged. I'm not sure how many times we did this. Maybe five to ten times. I do remember once or twice he cried out, "Dad, Noooooo, not four minutes!!!" I now believe it was ME who needed the time out. It was a successful "count to ten" that was never violent, never raging.
I also took a course called Parent Effectiveness Training. Then I took Parent Effectiveness Trainer Training. I had enjoyed Thomas Gordon's book on the subject. My box of tools to replace my child-rearing rage began to overflow. Then I had to start to tackle my other inner baggage.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Feeling Disappointment, Feeling Rage
July 6, 2008 What is Discipline?
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.
When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.
Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.
I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.
Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.
Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.
I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.
The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes, yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.
One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."
You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.
I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.
If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete: instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective
Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?
It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehavior. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.
Both short and long-term end results are the incredible satisfaction that you can talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be.
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.
When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.
Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.
I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.
Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.
Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.
I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.
The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes, yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.
One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."
You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.
I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.
If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete: instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective
Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?
It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehavior. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.
Both short and long-term end results are the incredible satisfaction that you can talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be.
Kicking a Boy's Ass Builds No Character
July 4, 2008 11:49pm A Culture of Violence
I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in their numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parent at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.
I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.
I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. No one ever shot at me, nor did I shoot at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and whereever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. Speaking to me, they sounded like they'd all read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.
I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. "300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many current gangs try to emulate that stuff?
I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.
The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, ninety year old Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"
My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.
Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good will of a potential attacker is a fool.
I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense.
I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in their numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parent at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.
I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.
I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. No one ever shot at me, nor did I shoot at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and whereever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. Speaking to me, they sounded like they'd all read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.
I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. "300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many current gangs try to emulate that stuff?
I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.
The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, ninety year old Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"
My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.
Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good will of a potential attacker is a fool.
I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense.
The Gender with No Feelings
July 3, 08 9:54pm
I was raised to believe I had no needs. I've read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying.
This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitch and moan, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. One thing: feelings hidden don't actually disappear. They stop being recognizable. The boy doesn't know what it is that is making him sweat, shudder or cry, but he knows he must end it, or strike out to divert attention from it. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There can be a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the frustration of women unable to get an accurate answer to, "how are you feeling?". And men's lack of concern about it.
I was raised to believe I had no needs. I've read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying.
This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitch and moan, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. One thing: feelings hidden don't actually disappear. They stop being recognizable. The boy doesn't know what it is that is making him sweat, shudder or cry, but he knows he must end it, or strike out to divert attention from it. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There can be a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the frustration of women unable to get an accurate answer to, "how are you feeling?". And men's lack of concern about it.
Remorse: A Tip for the Hangman?
July 2, 08 That Old Guilt and Remorse
It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."
Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.
Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought. It is hindsight that horrifies me, and drives me to help other parents and grandparents learn those options that replace hitting and yelling.
When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. I succeeded with my own guy, but for my older steps, the damage was done, and I didn't know how to undo it. If I can help future grandparents avoid the guilt and remorse, I want to contribute.
It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."
Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.
Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought. It is hindsight that horrifies me, and drives me to help other parents and grandparents learn those options that replace hitting and yelling.
When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. I succeeded with my own guy, but for my older steps, the damage was done, and I didn't know how to undo it. If I can help future grandparents avoid the guilt and remorse, I want to contribute.
Why Do I Fear my Boss?
01 July 08 Violence on The Very Young
Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. Always. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.
The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to understand and sympathize with Eddie.
Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I "learned" that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.
I have been places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.
Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, listen to Marianne Williamson, and do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.
I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't really serve you or anyone else.
Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. Always. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.
The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to understand and sympathize with Eddie.
Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I "learned" that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.
I have been places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.
Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, listen to Marianne Williamson, and do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.
I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't really serve you or anyone else.
Shouting Pushes People Away
30June08 "Shouting pushes people away."
I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these two step-sons of mine. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.
Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.
"I needed her to really hear me," I said.
"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."
Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful.
I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these two step-sons of mine. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.
Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.
"I needed her to really hear me," I said.
"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."
Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
What is Discipline?
July 6, 2008 What is Discipline?
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.
When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.
Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.
I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make their desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.
Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.
Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.
I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.
The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes , yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.
One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."
You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.
I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.
If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete : instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective
Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?
It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehaviour. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.
The short and long-term end results are incredible satisfaction that you have the ability to talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be. 1:49am
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.
When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.
Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.
I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make their desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.
Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.
Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.
I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.
The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes , yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.
One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."
You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.
I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.
If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete : instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective
Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?
It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehaviour. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.
The short and long-term end results are incredible satisfaction that you have the ability to talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be. 1:49am
"300": A Cinematic Culture of Violence
July 4, 2008 11:49pm A Culture of Violence
I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in the attackers' numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parents at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.
I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant my respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.
I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. Know one ever shot at me, nor did I at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and where ever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. They sounded like they'd read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.
I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. No one in their right mind would want to take part in what is portrayed in those films.
"300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many gangs try to emulate that stuff?
I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.
The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"
My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.
Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good naturedness of a potential attacker is a fool. I beleive the actual quote hangs in the Pentagon.
I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense. 1:00am
I started watching the movie "300" recently, on cable. This is the battle epic about the 300 Spartan warriors who battle 25,000 invaders and make a serious dent in the attackers' numbers. But the movie begins with a tale of how boys in Sparta are raised. They are taken from their parents at six, made to survive on their own for a week or so. If it kills them, they weren't to be. When they returned they were put in a martial boarding school and made to fight daily. They learned to beat each other mercilessly and to have no feelings of restraint. They needed to display daily what appeared to be courage, but was really some kind of PTSD/insanity. When they grew up, they were just crazy.
I couldn't watch a movie that glorified child torture as a rearing style. And the warrior automatons they became do not warrant my respect. They are no different from the Rutger Hauer android assassin in Blade Runner or the Terminators chasing John Connor.
I am what's known as a Vietnam Era Veteran. I served in Thailand in 1969. Know one ever shot at me, nor did I at anyone else. I did some drinking with Navy Seals and Green Berets, I talked to combat veterans at the VA and where ever I encountered them. I also read about combat. I heard and read repeatedly how these vets, as young recruits, had been pumped up by the war movies and TV shows we watched as kids. They sounded like they'd read the same review of combat. "It sucked, man. Combat was NOTHING like it was with John Wayne. You see these movie guys running at the enemy, or running from tree to tree shooting. What BS. You kept your head under that log or that rock and reached up and fired bursts in their direction to try to pin them down.
I have seen movies like Apocalypse Now, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket. These are no recruitment videos. No one in their right mind would want to take part in what is portrayed in those films.
"300" tries to honor a culture that beats its youth to insanity, teaches them to fight to the death, and removes any humanity from both genders. How many gangs try to emulate that stuff?
I guess I have one standard recommendation and one surprising wish for ideal parenting. Standard: talk with your kid everyday. About school, ethics, bullying, studying, sports, clothes, your work, your childhood and everything else. Surprising: Teach or get your boy (and maybe your girl) in a martial art: wrestling, grappling, karate, judo, tai-chi, boxing, capoeira, kung-fu, aikido. They're great activities, great exercise, great topics of conversation, and great confidence builders. Being prepared for unwanted aggression can be a great help to making it through school with minimum psychic scarring. Raising a non-violent child doesn't mean raising a victim.
The financial tycoon, Bernard Baruch, became a golden gloves boxing champion in his mid and late twenties. After advising six presidents and serving as a US envoy in important circumstances, Baruch was asked if his boxing had any impact on his later life. "Very much. I could sit down with a head of state and be much more conciliatory, because I knew I still had that old SOCK"
My favorite episode of Star Trek involved the appearance on the ship of representatives of a "Peaceful People." They had evolved some serious mental-kinetic power. They used it like psycho-aikido (the non-violent, or non-aggressive martial art.) The Starship Enterprise defenders drew their "phaser" weapons and the Peacefuls heated them to unbearable heat, forcing them to be dropped. So the Peacefuls knew how to act in the face of weaponry and aggression.
Sun Tzu or Lao Tzu wrote, (and I paraphrase) a warrior who depends on the good naturedness of a potential attacker is a fool. I beleive the actual quote hangs in the Pentagon.
I encountered some bullies, and wish I could have taken care of myself better. So I think a kid should learn how to take care of him/herself, and learn rules about not using it except in self-defense. 1:00am
July 3, 08 9:54pm
Today, talked about my personal lack of feeling suggesting I have any needs. I read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying anything.
This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitches and moans, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There is a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the problem of frustrating women by the Male's inability to tell her how he feels. And lack of concern about it. 10:21pm
Today, talked about my personal lack of feeling suggesting I have any needs. I read how boys are commonly raised in the US. They are told from quite early on that they are not hungry, they are not cold, they are not whatever they claim to be. With repetition, shouting, intimidation, swatting, slapping, spanking, young boys are taught to deny their feelings. Then, in order to preserve their sanity, they learn to deny they are denying anything.
This double-burial of feelings leaves a boy looking like some kind of stalwart, never bitches and moans, GI Joe character. But operating without feelings has complications. There is fear of feelings when they start to appear. There is a life spent believing there are no feelings but hunger and anger. There is the problem of frustrating women by the Male's inability to tell her how he feels. And lack of concern about it. 10:21pm
Guilt and Remorse
July 2, 08 01:00am That Old Guilt and Remorse
It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."
Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.
Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought.
When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. 1:15am
It's easier to say, on one's deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time with my family," than "I wish I had just talked to the kids when they were small, and not taken a hand, a fist, a belt, an electric cord or a hanger to them."
Try to be the man or woman you want them to become. Honest. Showing up. Supportive, a good listener.
Learn something about methods of discipline that involve only talking. I know that when I hit my step-kids, I felt it was the right thing to do. It was automatic for me. I gave it no thought.
When we had my natural son, I realized there was a feeling my wife had for her boys that I had no idea of. I wanted to stop hitting, and I didn't want to hit my boy. 1:15am
Violence On The Very Young
01 July 08 11:58PM Violence on The Very Young
Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed it up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 80, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.
The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to sympathize with Eddie.
Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I learned that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.
I have been many places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.
Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, and listen to Marianne Williamson, do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.
I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't serve you or anyone else. 12:36am
Did I learn a valuable lesson from sporadic paddling, slapping and beatings? In my heart of hearts, I learned "don't make that crazy woman angry." I learned to walk on eggshells. It is exhausting to keep your guard up all day long. When I made her crazy, I knew I'd screwed it up. If she was pleasant 75% of the time, or 80, or 90%, that explosive rest of the time was murderous. I would compare it to living in a bullfight stadium, where the only way out of my bedroom was across the bull-ring. Many days, there was nothing there and I just walked across. When she was present, she could be peaceful, or she could charge you with injury in her heart.
The straight-laced kid I became confronted no one outside the house. I strove for record-setting politeness. Several parents of my buddies called me "Eddie Haskell" when I was not around. He was the friend of TV's Beaver Cleaver who straightened up when a parent entered the room, then commented on how nice they looked today. Only in therapy years later did I start to sympathize with Eddie.
Another downside of violent discipline is teaching the reality that the upper hand belongs to the physically stronger. Also, I learned that Authority Figures are crazy bastards. I still battle the belief that anyone who must make a decision about my life, work, schedule, duties or performance will stick it to me. Curfews will be ridiculous, rules unbearable.
I have been many places where all of this is untrue, but the belief that I must not put myself in a position where someone else decides my fate is deeply ingrained.
Only lately, as I read Eckhardt Tolle, and listen to Marianne Williamson, do some NLP, do I find myself experiencing happiness. I had a co-worker this week tell me I was the happiest person he knew. I have found that smiling can bring about endorphins and joy. I had a problem with this when I first learned it from Tony Robbins. To walk to Municipal Transit, smiling, and charging myself with positiveness, I felt I was cheating at life. I was experiencing happiness without external provocation. Nothing good was happening to me. I hadn't been promoted, or cured cancer, or written the great American novel. I was just smiling and radiating joy, for no reason.
I walked into work smiling. I can smile right now and relive the thrill of that pleasure. I wish I knew this earlier, and knew how to bring it into my life when I was disciplining my step-sons. One SOLID reason for learning how to talk with your mate and your kids, your parents and teachers, your co-workers and bosses, is to avoid the guilt and remorse of angry, untrained, unrestrained communication that doesn't serve you or anyone else. 12:36am
Shouting Pushes People Away
30June08 8:51am "Shouting pushes people away."
I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these boys. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.
Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.
"I needed her to really hear me," I said.
"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."
Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful. 9:21am
I was so angry because I had to repeat myself to get any lasting cooperation from these boys. I lectured and shouted before hitting, but real communication with them never happened. I am so sorry that I was so personally dented and ignorant of any workable techniques.
Graduate school in acting is where I learned a vital, usable parenting (and communication) tool. An acting scene partner and I performed for our classmates and instructors. We were critiqued afterwards. Janice Garcia Hutchinson, a leading starlet with the theatre company, asked me why my character shouted at my partner's character.
"I needed her to really hear me," I said.
"That's not how it works. Shouting pushes people away. Really important communication must be spoken. Draw them in, watch them, to see that they are understanding what you are saying."
Important acting advice, and essential advice for living. I wondered how I had lived so long having it wrong, and why it was an acting class where I learned the truth. But I am grateful. 9:21am
People Are...Good? or Bad?
29June08 People are basically...Good or Bad?
I didn't know it at the time I was rearing either my step-kids or my natural son, but there are two conflicting generalizations about people: they are basically good and need guidance or they are basically bad and need control, punishment, fear and oversight to make them behave. If they are good, they will need to talk about their behavior, and be corrected when they veer off course. If they are bad--then we are lost.
What kind of people have you met? Nice people? I have. I know there can be jerks, and I guess I have been a jerk on occasion, but how much discipline and control is required to make someone nice, sincere, authentic, helpful, honest, focused, and responsible.
I was very hard on my step-sons. When they were young, they were inquisitive and energetic and they had few limits, so they were everywhere. In order to have any privacy with their mom, I asked, told, then demanded that they do as I say. I pretty quickly put a bolt on the inside of our bedroom door, to eliminate anytime young visitors.
Like so many folks, I thought communication was my specialty and parenting was a snap. I told the kids what I expected and thought I was done. However, that didn't work. I thought I should be able to tell the kids one time. The second time meant, to me, they weren't trying, or weren't listening. I had to become very focused and more serious. The third time was just too damn much. I had to become menacing.
It's painful to write this. My incompetency lead me down a violent path that lived in me. I know now that a display of love makes a big difference. I know how a lost parent can throw his hands up and try to minimize the struggle by becoming angry or violent: hoping to "whip those kids into shape."
There is the additional element of being the step-parent. I was in the relationship for the mom. I had no connection to these boys. As good as they were, they were little balls of needs for attention that distracted from my pursuit of happiness with their mom. Then there was the fact I was adrift as to how to rear them. If I had read a book about it, and I'd read lots of other books, but it never occurred to me I was "parenting," and people had written lots to help.
I didn't know it at the time I was rearing either my step-kids or my natural son, but there are two conflicting generalizations about people: they are basically good and need guidance or they are basically bad and need control, punishment, fear and oversight to make them behave. If they are good, they will need to talk about their behavior, and be corrected when they veer off course. If they are bad--then we are lost.
What kind of people have you met? Nice people? I have. I know there can be jerks, and I guess I have been a jerk on occasion, but how much discipline and control is required to make someone nice, sincere, authentic, helpful, honest, focused, and responsible.
I was very hard on my step-sons. When they were young, they were inquisitive and energetic and they had few limits, so they were everywhere. In order to have any privacy with their mom, I asked, told, then demanded that they do as I say. I pretty quickly put a bolt on the inside of our bedroom door, to eliminate anytime young visitors.
Like so many folks, I thought communication was my specialty and parenting was a snap. I told the kids what I expected and thought I was done. However, that didn't work. I thought I should be able to tell the kids one time. The second time meant, to me, they weren't trying, or weren't listening. I had to become very focused and more serious. The third time was just too damn much. I had to become menacing.
It's painful to write this. My incompetency lead me down a violent path that lived in me. I know now that a display of love makes a big difference. I know how a lost parent can throw his hands up and try to minimize the struggle by becoming angry or violent: hoping to "whip those kids into shape."
There is the additional element of being the step-parent. I was in the relationship for the mom. I had no connection to these boys. As good as they were, they were little balls of needs for attention that distracted from my pursuit of happiness with their mom. Then there was the fact I was adrift as to how to rear them. If I had read a book about it, and I'd read lots of other books, but it never occurred to me I was "parenting," and people had written lots to help.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Listing Five Human Needs...Ummm
28June08 Saturday
I have begun a 21 day cycle of relaxation and visualization using the Psycho-cybernetics model of Dr. Maxwell Maltz. Last night and again this morning I relaxed and visualized myself comfortably stating that I have a need "for respect." This week I prepared for and met with a co-worker with whom I had a dispute. I stated then that I had a need for respect. I waited a moment for a humiliating reaction from the colleague and my boss, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Who the Hell are YOU to have a need for respect!!" I was quite surprised that they sat calmly waiting for me to go on, finish my statement.
It was actually jarring. After I completed my statement, he made his, starting with the same statement. It seems we'd both been pissing each other off. So we identified the issues and agreed to end them. We're now working together fine.
This morning, during the visualizations, I realized I was unable to come up with another need. Other than food and air, my list of needs ended at respect. I will find a list in Marshall Rosenberg's text and commit some of it to memory.
This is some of the effect of violent, uneven, humiliating parenting. I know I want my kids, and now ALL kids, to become thinkers, reasoners, communicators, negotiators in their own interest. I want no kid to be afraid of me, and I want kids to be respectful because it's the right way to be--not because someone might knock them on their butt.
I have begun a 21 day cycle of relaxation and visualization using the Psycho-cybernetics model of Dr. Maxwell Maltz. Last night and again this morning I relaxed and visualized myself comfortably stating that I have a need "for respect." This week I prepared for and met with a co-worker with whom I had a dispute. I stated then that I had a need for respect. I waited a moment for a humiliating reaction from the colleague and my boss, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Who the Hell are YOU to have a need for respect!!" I was quite surprised that they sat calmly waiting for me to go on, finish my statement.
It was actually jarring. After I completed my statement, he made his, starting with the same statement. It seems we'd both been pissing each other off. So we identified the issues and agreed to end them. We're now working together fine.
This morning, during the visualizations, I realized I was unable to come up with another need. Other than food and air, my list of needs ended at respect. I will find a list in Marshall Rosenberg's text and commit some of it to memory.
This is some of the effect of violent, uneven, humiliating parenting. I know I want my kids, and now ALL kids, to become thinkers, reasoners, communicators, negotiators in their own interest. I want no kid to be afraid of me, and I want kids to be respectful because it's the right way to be--not because someone might knock them on their butt.
Don't Like NVC? Look Inside.
27Jun08
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Non-Violent Communication. At the core of this system is the understanding that disputes come up from unmet needs. That listening for and acknowledging the other's needs, or spelling out your own, has a remarkable effect.
I'm spellbound when I listen to Marshall on CD speaking his way. It's very warm and friendly, while being an unfamiliar approach to communication for me.
I found myself critical of others attempts to speak or write it. It seemed stilted in some way, unreal, not going over for me. I recently had an Aha! moment about it.
I am a mediator personality, someone who listens to both sides of a dispute, puts no personal spin on discussion of it while helping it to be resolved. I am a person who has learned as a child that having needs was dangerous. Whether I whined to get something, cried, or tried to negotiate, I learned it was VITAL to have no needs, which became "no preferences," and I became a person who was game to go-along, not to confound a decision-making time by inflicting another choice, or even a vote.
I so effectively buried my needs, that I have no concept of MY needs, or needs at all. I have to look at lists of human needs in order to answer questions about them. The Aha! was that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is based on needs, and when I listened to people talking about needs, or thought about trying to name mine or yours, I choked. I was clueless. Now, I believe I can learn about them, learn a list or two, work on recognizing... shudder... a need.
Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of Non-Violent Communication. At the core of this system is the understanding that disputes come up from unmet needs. That listening for and acknowledging the other's needs, or spelling out your own, has a remarkable effect.
I'm spellbound when I listen to Marshall on CD speaking his way. It's very warm and friendly, while being an unfamiliar approach to communication for me.
I found myself critical of others attempts to speak or write it. It seemed stilted in some way, unreal, not going over for me. I recently had an Aha! moment about it.
I am a mediator personality, someone who listens to both sides of a dispute, puts no personal spin on discussion of it while helping it to be resolved. I am a person who has learned as a child that having needs was dangerous. Whether I whined to get something, cried, or tried to negotiate, I learned it was VITAL to have no needs, which became "no preferences," and I became a person who was game to go-along, not to confound a decision-making time by inflicting another choice, or even a vote.
I so effectively buried my needs, that I have no concept of MY needs, or needs at all. I have to look at lists of human needs in order to answer questions about them. The Aha! was that NVC (Non-Violent Communication) is based on needs, and when I listened to people talking about needs, or thought about trying to name mine or yours, I choked. I was clueless. Now, I believe I can learn about them, learn a list or two, work on recognizing... shudder... a need.
Ending Guilt with the "I-Message"
The "I message" is at the heart of many communication approaches. When the speaker spells out the activity that is troubling, then the way it makes them feel, the offender can hear it without feeling attacked.
If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.
You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"
This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.
If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.
You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"
This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.
Silenced via Backhand
26 June 08
My mom told me years ago, after watching a child whine for cooperation from his mom, that she cured me of whining at 2 years old with a back-hand. She has apologized.
She also told me I was a two and three year old that didn't touch stuff, looked at it, but didn't touch. We could visit a friend of hers and I would establish myself as a kid that didn't need "child-proofing." I've wondered what kind of toddler didn't touch stuff. I do believe it is a trained and frightened one.
An adult friend of my brother's noticed how I changed around my mom. He said, "You've studied and taught martial arts, were No. 1 in your police academy class, have taught businessmen and politicians how to speak more effectively. How can you be so afraid of this little lady?" My step sister noticed it as well, when, after I'd been there for several hours, my mother arrived at their home. Mom had been there about an hour when step-sis quietly said, "Boy, does your mom cramp your style."
I used to have brawls with my step-teen-aged boys after I visited my mom. Something exhausting about being on my best behavior to avoid enraging my mom. When we got home I was primed for a fight.
My mom told me years ago, after watching a child whine for cooperation from his mom, that she cured me of whining at 2 years old with a back-hand. She has apologized.
She also told me I was a two and three year old that didn't touch stuff, looked at it, but didn't touch. We could visit a friend of hers and I would establish myself as a kid that didn't need "child-proofing." I've wondered what kind of toddler didn't touch stuff. I do believe it is a trained and frightened one.
An adult friend of my brother's noticed how I changed around my mom. He said, "You've studied and taught martial arts, were No. 1 in your police academy class, have taught businessmen and politicians how to speak more effectively. How can you be so afraid of this little lady?" My step sister noticed it as well, when, after I'd been there for several hours, my mother arrived at their home. Mom had been there about an hour when step-sis quietly said, "Boy, does your mom cramp your style."
I used to have brawls with my step-teen-aged boys after I visited my mom. Something exhausting about being on my best behavior to avoid enraging my mom. When we got home I was primed for a fight.
Bracing for Story of Two Brothers
25 June 08 I am suddenly exhausted. I am sitting before my keyboard, organizing thoughts about my miserable treatment of my younger brother, and my energy and wakefulness has drained our of me.
Later today...off to bed now.
Later today...off to bed now.
Intro to My Use of Non-Violent Communication
24 June 08,
I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.
I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.
In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.
Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.
I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"
A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.
It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.
I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.
I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.
I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.
In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.
Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.
I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"
A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.
It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.
I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.
Intervention by Support
June 23, 2008 The Supermarket Incident
Once I was in a supermarket with my son, then about four, as we encountered a woman having trouble quieting her two or three year old boy. I believe he was hungry and was upset at the length of the trip and no snack. Mom just couldn't get him to shut up, and I could see that she was concerned about appearances in some way.
She jerked the kid out of the shopping cart seat, set him on his feet, took him by the wrist and headed for the door. I had a bad feeling that the raging mom was going to drub the hungry little fart once outside the store.
Jake and I got in step with them a car-length behind and followed them outside. Mom stopped him between a couple of parked cars and turned for a parental assault when Jake and I stepped up behind her and stopped.
Her little guy was now a model child and perfectly quiet. I told her I'd seen her frustration at his actions, and it looked like she could use some moral support. She said she brought him outside to discipline him privately, to keep from embarrassing him. I believed she didn't want to be confronted by any strangers for a violent outburst--but kept that to myself.
I talked slowly and modeled calm, talked to her little boy, found out he was tired and hungry. I recommended some crackers to stave off such displays and gave her some. I remember my boy and hers listening to me and watching us both. I told her I'd learned from my ex that a snack before and a snack along with you can keep outbursts to a minimum.
We went back into the store with the agreement that she'd finish as fast as she could and they'd get out of there. There was no spanking, and no further outburst from her tot. I think I left having offered support and a temporary solution while not shaming or blaming anyone, and not making it worse for the little guy later. My son thought it was cool.
Once I was in a supermarket with my son, then about four, as we encountered a woman having trouble quieting her two or three year old boy. I believe he was hungry and was upset at the length of the trip and no snack. Mom just couldn't get him to shut up, and I could see that she was concerned about appearances in some way.
She jerked the kid out of the shopping cart seat, set him on his feet, took him by the wrist and headed for the door. I had a bad feeling that the raging mom was going to drub the hungry little fart once outside the store.
Jake and I got in step with them a car-length behind and followed them outside. Mom stopped him between a couple of parked cars and turned for a parental assault when Jake and I stepped up behind her and stopped.
Her little guy was now a model child and perfectly quiet. I told her I'd seen her frustration at his actions, and it looked like she could use some moral support. She said she brought him outside to discipline him privately, to keep from embarrassing him. I believed she didn't want to be confronted by any strangers for a violent outburst--but kept that to myself.
I talked slowly and modeled calm, talked to her little boy, found out he was tired and hungry. I recommended some crackers to stave off such displays and gave her some. I remember my boy and hers listening to me and watching us both. I told her I'd learned from my ex that a snack before and a snack along with you can keep outbursts to a minimum.
We went back into the store with the agreement that she'd finish as fast as she could and they'd get out of there. There was no spanking, and no further outburst from her tot. I think I left having offered support and a temporary solution while not shaming or blaming anyone, and not making it worse for the little guy later. My son thought it was cool.
Instead of Pounding Your KID...
21 June 11:59PM
I believe the famous phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is the greatest single cause of astonishing brutality toward children. I also believe there is no agreement about what "spoiling" a child is, except it is to be avoided.
The phrase "spare the rod" unclearly suggests you reconsider how little you are beating your kid. It proposes open-ended ferocity. The words recommend only intensification of whatever you are doing.
Exercise: Out of earshot of any children, place a pillow in front of you, on your bed. Standing beside the bed, or kneeling on it, punch the pillow with one hand, then the other. Now, develop a rhythm, punching as you say "spare...the...rod...spare...the...rod" over again and again. Go ahead and lose count, punch harder, get winded. Do that for 30 seconds to one minute.
Notice how conducive to kicking that pillow's butt those words are.
Now if it felt good to do it, maybe two or three times a day, out of earshot of any child, beat that pillow to feather-dust.
When the therapeutic value impresses you, maybe you can introduce any children in your life to this wonderful release. Maybe you can bond as you get out your pent up aggravation, then go have milk and cookies together and talk about your days.
Then your kid looks forward to pillow beating time and the subsequent treat and bonding.
When you have that kind of bonding, your little one will surprise you with heartfelt questions. If you're like I was, you'll start raising your game in preparation for surprising insight and inquisitiveness from this tiny being. "Dad, I think Gramma is a hard person to argue with." Or questions you might never have even considered. "Dad, when is a fight over?"
But you'll love it.
I believe the famous phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is the greatest single cause of astonishing brutality toward children. I also believe there is no agreement about what "spoiling" a child is, except it is to be avoided.
The phrase "spare the rod" unclearly suggests you reconsider how little you are beating your kid. It proposes open-ended ferocity. The words recommend only intensification of whatever you are doing.
Exercise: Out of earshot of any children, place a pillow in front of you, on your bed. Standing beside the bed, or kneeling on it, punch the pillow with one hand, then the other. Now, develop a rhythm, punching as you say "spare...the...rod...spare...the...rod" over again and again. Go ahead and lose count, punch harder, get winded. Do that for 30 seconds to one minute.
Notice how conducive to kicking that pillow's butt those words are.
Now if it felt good to do it, maybe two or three times a day, out of earshot of any child, beat that pillow to feather-dust.
When the therapeutic value impresses you, maybe you can introduce any children in your life to this wonderful release. Maybe you can bond as you get out your pent up aggravation, then go have milk and cookies together and talk about your days.
Then your kid looks forward to pillow beating time and the subsequent treat and bonding.
When you have that kind of bonding, your little one will surprise you with heartfelt questions. If you're like I was, you'll start raising your game in preparation for surprising insight and inquisitiveness from this tiny being. "Dad, I think Gramma is a hard person to argue with." Or questions you might never have even considered. "Dad, when is a fight over?"
But you'll love it.
Dobson Video Might Help
19 June 11:50 am
It troubles me that some writers say it's OK to swat, spank or corporally punish. Even when they recommend some moderation, I believe they leave open the option to strike a child with ferocity. I don't see anyone using a doll to video the correct striking of a child. If someone, like James Dobson, whose books sell millions of copies, were to be THAT specific in how to correctly strike a child (I believe there is NO correct way to strike a child), I believe there would be some value. By modeling some calm, recommending a waiting period before the punishment. Maybe by requiring that the angry response subside, that you explain calmly to the child why the offending behavior will not be tolerated, the parent could find himself having accomplished the goal without raising his hand.
I believe that such a video by a resource like Dobson might reduce raging attacks on children by parents. While it saddens me that anyone considered an authority would advocate hitting a child, such an influential person as Dobson could singlehandedly reduce violence against children by demonstrating, on video, the spanker's head is clear, temper is not a factor.
Ultimately, I would hope that the video-viewing parent, while calming and collecting him/herself for an upcoming spanking, might reconsider the need for violence and consider time in the bedroom or "a good talking to."
It troubles me that some writers say it's OK to swat, spank or corporally punish. Even when they recommend some moderation, I believe they leave open the option to strike a child with ferocity. I don't see anyone using a doll to video the correct striking of a child. If someone, like James Dobson, whose books sell millions of copies, were to be THAT specific in how to correctly strike a child (I believe there is NO correct way to strike a child), I believe there would be some value. By modeling some calm, recommending a waiting period before the punishment. Maybe by requiring that the angry response subside, that you explain calmly to the child why the offending behavior will not be tolerated, the parent could find himself having accomplished the goal without raising his hand.
I believe that such a video by a resource like Dobson might reduce raging attacks on children by parents. While it saddens me that anyone considered an authority would advocate hitting a child, such an influential person as Dobson could singlehandedly reduce violence against children by demonstrating, on video, the spanker's head is clear, temper is not a factor.
Ultimately, I would hope that the video-viewing parent, while calming and collecting him/herself for an upcoming spanking, might reconsider the need for violence and consider time in the bedroom or "a good talking to."
How do you want you kids to be?
17Jun08
What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.
When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.
What do you want from your children?
How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.
I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.
I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.
What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.
When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.
Some people plan ahead, some try to "sieze the day" and enjoy life without a plan. I believe the American working class culture doesn't focus on plans. There may be more planning if we search in more prosperous families. Watch our TV shows. No TV family plans their future, sets an example, inquires into personal gifts and possible paths. This reliance on spontaneity has a negative impact on our kids and our culture.
What do you want from your children?
How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.
I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.
I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.
Pounding on your kid stays with her
16 June 2008
I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.
My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life
I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.
My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life
sticks with the victims and the witnesses in equal measure. I believe, from my experience and my reading, that breaking the pattern requires conscious intervention. Many abused kids grow into parents who swear they won't hit their kids. Most don't succeed without counseling, classes, or reading; others resort alternate destructive options, such as yelling, shaking, intimidating, threatening while priding themselves on no hitting.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Discipline: Introducing "CONSEQUENCES!"
15 June 08, 10:10PM
I have been musing, bitching, and growling about how I might contribute to improving communication in families. This is my second and last marriage, my first having been a blend of happy surrender and miserable disagreement. My first wife and I started too late looking for ways to "discipline" my three step-kids that involved more compassion and less yelling and hitting. We attended a Tough Love group a number of times that was a good first step.
At the Tough Love meeting the first Ah-Ha was the concept of "consequences." Kids need to learn there will be negative outcomes following lousy decisions. If your kid is caught "tagging" the boys lavatory, there may be suspension, suspicion following ANY subsequent tagging, searches of personal effects at school or at home until trust is re-established that no more such activity will take place. Damaged trust is a crummy pill for a kid to swallow if the relationship with parents and authority has been at all positive. And fouled trust can be incentive to straight out his act.
We tried to control her three kids, two boys and a girl, by yelling, spanking, hitting, and lecturing. The spanking and hitting was parent & step-dad out-of-control. I remember, as a kid, being lectured and hating it. I tried to lecture these urchins until they fell to their knees. It never happened, but I'm reasonably certain they all share my distaste for being lectured.
I must make clear that I have also raised a boy, now in his mid-20's, entirely without spanking, hitting, lecturing or intimidating. The difference was more compassion, some classes in assertive discipline, becoming convinced I could guide my little guy with my words and actions, and he was not a step-child, but my own.
I had thoughts of writing a how-to book for step-dads that, first, had to make clear what a thankless-feeling task is being a "step." My then wife seemed wrapped around their fingers, giving in to all their requests. I had the feeling they needed physical (corporal) discipline. I jumped at actions--that are harmless irritants by kids--and spanked or hit them.
It makes me sad that I was ruled by such ignorance and anger. It breaks my heart that I was hard on the threesome. Had I looked into some techniques, maybe read about step-parenting and the unnecessary anger that can rise so swiftly there, maybe all would have been different.
A harrowing statistic I read recently was that when any 100 child murders are looked into, 99 will have been committed by a step-parent. That means to me that there is a real threat of terrible behavior by the step-parent. It might be averted by acknowledgment of the job's difficulty, plus encouragement to learn to parent a child not your own.
I have been musing, bitching, and growling about how I might contribute to improving communication in families. This is my second and last marriage, my first having been a blend of happy surrender and miserable disagreement. My first wife and I started too late looking for ways to "discipline" my three step-kids that involved more compassion and less yelling and hitting. We attended a Tough Love group a number of times that was a good first step.
At the Tough Love meeting the first Ah-Ha was the concept of "consequences." Kids need to learn there will be negative outcomes following lousy decisions. If your kid is caught "tagging" the boys lavatory, there may be suspension, suspicion following ANY subsequent tagging, searches of personal effects at school or at home until trust is re-established that no more such activity will take place. Damaged trust is a crummy pill for a kid to swallow if the relationship with parents and authority has been at all positive. And fouled trust can be incentive to straight out his act.
We tried to control her three kids, two boys and a girl, by yelling, spanking, hitting, and lecturing. The spanking and hitting was parent & step-dad out-of-control. I remember, as a kid, being lectured and hating it. I tried to lecture these urchins until they fell to their knees. It never happened, but I'm reasonably certain they all share my distaste for being lectured.
I must make clear that I have also raised a boy, now in his mid-20's, entirely without spanking, hitting, lecturing or intimidating. The difference was more compassion, some classes in assertive discipline, becoming convinced I could guide my little guy with my words and actions, and he was not a step-child, but my own.
I had thoughts of writing a how-to book for step-dads that, first, had to make clear what a thankless-feeling task is being a "step." My then wife seemed wrapped around their fingers, giving in to all their requests. I had the feeling they needed physical (corporal) discipline. I jumped at actions--that are harmless irritants by kids--and spanked or hit them.
It makes me sad that I was ruled by such ignorance and anger. It breaks my heart that I was hard on the threesome. Had I looked into some techniques, maybe read about step-parenting and the unnecessary anger that can rise so swiftly there, maybe all would have been different.
A harrowing statistic I read recently was that when any 100 child murders are looked into, 99 will have been committed by a step-parent. That means to me that there is a real threat of terrible behavior by the step-parent. It might be averted by acknowledgment of the job's difficulty, plus encouragement to learn to parent a child not your own.
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