Why We Choose Partners Who Are Wrong For Us, Again

Human Nature's Amazing Technology: The Dovetail Radar.

Why does violence occur in couples, and between parents and children?

It starts with upbringing. If beaten for years, by either a raging, drunken parent or a sober, impassioned disciplinarian, there will be some wires crossed about the propriety of physical punishment. In my conversations with adult beaten-kids, I have come across only two who claim to have never struck their children. While I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of their claims, I suspect they were unable to provide a dream of a communicative home. People who are abused physically, mentally, or are raised in the presence of it, are injured, or "dented."

How do couples who beat, or tolerate beating, find each other?

I call a skill possessed by humans “The Dovetail Radar.” I’m dented by my childhood experience with violence. I’m perhaps a 6 on a scale of 10. Ten being survivors of genocide in Sudan or The Holocaust. The radar I describe allows us to spot people who are dented to a degree similar to our own.  I believe this trait is the most accurate intuitive force possessed by humans.

People who live in a frightening place—like a violent home—learn patterns of self-preservation, like lying, deceiving, rebelling, attacking, tantrums, rage, or effusive praise, saccharine facades, propriety, shyness, reserve and charm combined in many ways. Suppose a young woman has been regularly beaten, whipped through childhood. Suppose her “score” was an 8 on our fictitious scale. She has learned to conceal her interests, or believes she has no interests, because long ago she found personal interests were dangerous. They got her beaten. She lies about many things. It keeps her safe. She conceals her truth to avoid provoking  rage in others.

She meets a boy raised in a home where conversation between family members was supportive, and remains so into his adulthood. Let's call his score on our Radar scale a 2. When these two hang around for an afternoon, she finds him weird because he talks so openly about himself, and he asks questions about her. And he frowns often and tilts his lead like a puppy in a TV commercial.

He finds her strange, rambling on with inconsequential dramas. She seems mad at people. There’s something in her that repels him, even though she’s really pretty. She doesn't feel genuine. Here we have the pair of radars, the girl with a score of 8, and the guy with a score of 2. They will not "Dovetail." The 2 (healthier relationships) detects evasive answers and improbable descriptions coming from the 8. The 8 finds the 2 naive and uninteresting.

Those with lower scores, more familiar with telling their truth, revealing their desires and interests to supportive family, will find the game-playing of the 8’s irritating, dramatic, and unfulfilling. There’s no quickening of the heartbeat, no blip on the their radars.

Ms 8 does find a bigger than life, handsome ladies-man VERY cute, and he knows how to talk to her. Another 8. He has developed charm, fake sweetness and deception. To her, he is ELECTRIC. He seems to really appreciate her. They don’t know about the dark sides of each other's families, but somehow the attraction is powerful. For reasons unknown to them, they are all over each other (they'd call it animal magnetism) Like the carpenter's joint interlocking two pieces of wood—they “dovetail,” like lacing fingers. They just FIT.

But for the two 8s, life starts intruding on their passion, and darkness appears. One may lie, cheat or rage. The other sticks around, comfortable with drama, hoping things will change, putting up, believing, raging, heart breaking, but persisting. Scores can even result from different parental methods. She, viciously beaten, locked in her room, deprived of food for punishment. He, threatened, told he was worthless, stupid, ignorant, watched his mother beaten by his father and other men in her life. The radar we all possess, will find mates that have similar scores.

Counseling, growth, achievement, increased self esteem through therapy, courses and other interventions will change these patterns and make healthy relationships possible.  Honest.

I've Lost My Little Boy!!

My Worst Nightmare

Baggage. The stuff from childhood. My personal strangeness includes wanting no one to overhear my conversation. I have no story for it. I fear humiliation.

This weakness became clear to me when my young step-kids would ask me questions while riding on the bus. I was afraid some nearby Muni-rider would snort at my answer. So I would tell the boys to stop asking questions.

Years later, my natural son, about three, and I went to a small sandbox in the Marina district of San Francisco. After a few minutes, I noticed he wasn't in view. I called his name and there was no answer. If you ever wonder what an anxiety attack feels like, this is it.

“Jake!” He had started looking for me and walked away. He came running. I hugged my little guy and told him how afraid I had been. “We need to work out a way that when we feel lost, we don't go looking. That can get us really lost. We call out, "DAD!" or "Son!!"

“OK, Dad.”

We went shopping at the Marina Safeway. While I went from item to item down an aisle, I heard "DAD!"  My little reseacher was testing this system.

"Over here!"

"Dad!"

I could hear his calmness, so my wits stayed put. “I’m standing in the middle of an aisle, go to the end and look down the aisles toward my voice.”  We just spent a few seconds re-connecting. For a grown man with a fear of public humiliation, I decided the terror at the sandbox was worse than anything. I couldn't have that happen again. No one seemed troubled by our system. Not that I looked. I also started answering his questions while riding the Muni. 

Is Corporal Punishment Different Than Corporate Punishment?

What is the proper use of corporal punishment?

Example Silly Scenario

1. The vice president of the corporation holds a meeting of managers in his division. When he says that we need to communicate better with our subordinates, a senior manager says, "I think we need a good example to follow, to imitate." The VP demands, "Are you suggesting I'm not setting the tone!?" The senior manager sheepishly looks down. The VP lunges forward, grabs the senior manager, lifts her out of her chair, presses her over the table and delivers three ferocious paddles to her rear end. He releases her and orders her back to her office until she repairs her attitude.

The VP is attempting to develop the latest methods for teamwork, for focus, for an engaged staff by conducting these meetings. His goal is increased profitability in his division by raising the morale of the employees. The senior manager made a statement that seemed to challenge the VP's authority and his methods. What he says, goes. He will not brook insubordination.

Have you ever seen this kind of action in a corporate meeting? In a public meeting? In a private meeting of adults? When would this behavior be acceptable?

But you knew all along, didn't you?  The Senior Manager, age 32...is the VP's daughter.

The Positives ( I guess) of the action:

S.Mgr learns not to surprise the boss,

Learns not to embarrass him in front of other subordinates.

Team learns that VP will not tolerate challenge. Just act agreeable at work.

Team learns that suggestions could be dangerous, so hold them back.

Better to just go along with the VP's program, and don't recommend adjustments.

Subordinates will learn to love the boss when they adapt to keeping quiet and avoiding appearance of challenge.
The Negatives of the action:

Daughter learns she can not speak her truth.

Team learns that work is not the place to speak your truth.

Truth-telling time should be confined to (away from job) get-togethers with peers.

Truth-telling will be met with forceful suppression.

If the VP's program is really not working, no one will come tell him.

Corporal punishment drives a wedge between the VP and his direct reports.

What other pros and cons do you see?

Now, imagine the meeting took place at the daughter's tenth birthday party. Same script. Would the pros and cons be different? Would your attitude be different?

"Scarring" your child -- What Does That Even MEAN?

As I sit among folks and talk about kids and grandkids, I'm struck by the variety of opinions about what "discipline" is, what little kids should expect to be exposed to in the molding process.

I have used the term "scar a child," and I am imagining some recoiling by parents who wonder what could I be talking about.  Scarring is a dramatic term.  But Merriam Webster defines it, "A lasting moral or emotional injury."  So am I picturing a whimpering child, adolescent and eventually adult who assumes the fetal position and sucks his thumb for ever?  No.  Kids learn to hide these injuries, and grow into damaged citizens who seek therapy or beat their own kids.  I believe some parents are clueless about types of training appropriate for maintaining household order.  But what can we expect if we let every parent try to re-invent the wheel.

Does corporal punishment scar kids? When you bark at or rage at kids, and they stay out of your way, have you succeeded in developing a responsible person? Research shows that when the normal "fight or flight" response is active for prolonged periods, or constantly, in a child, the child's brain will develop "wiring" connections that are abnormal. The results can include instant violence without thought--automatic resort to violence.

A child raised with adrenalin pumping will grow into an adult with responses developed during prolonged fear. This often results not only in violence, but also resistance to taking reasonable adult action, e.g., getting an education, seeking employment, communicating with a spouse or a child. Confrontation, criticism and attempts at guidance may trigger aggravation and violence before the man can even consider the possibility of change and growth.

No sane parent wants that for their child. The moral or emotional injuries that come from bursts of parental anger have after-effects for the child that can influence quality of life, relationships and future choices unforeseeable by the pissed-off parent. Now, how do we convince millions of parents that the anger and need to corporally discipline (like THEY were disciplined) ISN"T OK, and doesn't bring about the intelligent, authentic, courageous, open, warm, loving and supportive man and woman they hope for?

Would You Know a Loving Parent If You Saw One?

What Does a Loving Parent Look Like?

If you were to counsel a young cousin, someone you have regard for, great hopes for, familial love for, but no accumulated, day-to-day emotional stuff/baggage, how would you address them? Would you would be nice, warm, and supportive? When you see their concern about some issue, would you take time to ask about it, and listen to the responses? Wouldn't it be wonderful to hear years later that your kind attention and calm advice was very important to them. Imagine that kind of focus on your own kid, daily--or close to daily. What an amazing start to creating the safe haven I propose.

Imagine yourself having a child, and striving every day to be warm, supportive and loving. You sit with him and talk with him about his day--he might ask you about your day. When a behavior by your youngster troubles you, you might guide the conversation around to the behaviour you would like to eliminate. Talk about it. No lecture. Hear her explanation about why the behavior happened. Consider, was it more reasonable than you thought? Was the result of the behavior satisfying to the youngster? Did it make you sad, or mad, or disappointed? Could you get them thinking about alternative actions? Maybe they'd think of one that they would find satisfying and you wouldn't object to. Make it a visionquest of a conversation. Be open to a solution coming from the little one. If he doesn't produce the "answer," he will know that you were asking seriously, seeking an answer, and not preaching.

You could even incite your little angel to...think about it...and get back to you.

A Review of Dr. Tick's book on PTSD

I was reading the praise, by multiple veterans, for Dr. Tick's book.  This review moved me, thought I'd share.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

 The Way Home for Our Veterans, November 30, 2007

By	Remy Benoit (Louisiana United States) - See all my reviews

Back in the world.
Often within 24-48 hours.
It is over--
It is never over.

Now you are:
son--daughter
mom--dad
husband--wife
friend--lover
You are home.
It is over--
It is never over.

Rank does not matter anymore. The decisions are yours now. Yet those with whom you served are forever, inextricably, a part of you.

When you went in country, wherever that was, the you who went in was a different you than the you who came back to the world. That you, the you of innocence, did not come home; couldn't possibly come home, having come to know what the survivor you knows, what the survivor you has experienced.

A new you, an infinitely more complicated you; a you of lost innocence, at almost every level, has come home.

And home looks and feels different.
And everyone looks different.
And you have all changed.

You cringe, or hit the ground, at noises commonplace while they carry on with the everyday of the life they know.
Shadows lurk, scurry into and out of the dark, as if a dark collage artist were pasting over the new reality you are experiencing with the old you had hoped to have left behind.
You wake up screaming.
Sit facing doors.
And no matter what you wear, you still feel naked, weak, without your weapon sleeping next to you, without the powerfully protective feeling of your weapon in your hand.

You are home; yet still adrift in sand; yet still treading on the floor of the jungle with the thickly twisted canopy keeping out the light; yet still crawling into dank, stinking holes in the mountains. You are home; yet in a seemingly parallel universe that weaves in and out of the world you are told that you live in now; a fluctuating Twilight Zone, beyond even Serling's imagination, where apple pies morph into Daisy Cutters, where the crunch of a nut cracker on a walnut amps into an IED exploding under, around, next to you.

Welcome Home.

Dr. Edward Tick has an awesome gift for you--a road map that will put you on the path to re-connect your conflicting parallel worlds into one that is manageable for you.

Any soldier, any civilian, who has known war has known it as the experience of living on the edge, of knowing life most sharply honed while death and destruction steam, reek, explode all around; but the modern soldier also is burdened at soul level with the very real possibility of war's escalation to the ultimate destruction. That burden, like all the others, is also carried by his soul.

Dr. Tick's War and the Soul: Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder explores, unearths, de-mystifies the myths of war. Its wisdom is applicable to the veterans of any nation or time. It brings home war's verities, and it will help to bring you home, as with him you unravel what you are feeling, why you are feeling it; find that the others who were there feel what you feel, and know what you know--illuminates what those at home have to be brought to comprehend.

War and the Soul will help you understand where all those missing soul pieces have gone. It will guide you in fetching them back. It will make you know that what you are feeling is a normal, not an abnormal, reaction to a chaos of war unleashed on your body, mind, soul, and spirit.

With clarity in dissecting the myths of war; by sharing Veterans' stories, observations, experiences, and nightmares, Dr. Tick helps guide you a to a new place where you can understand the impact of war on you and begin to step out of its chaos. If you want to come home, War and the Soul is the road map you need.

Yes, you need physical, mental therapy to leave the chaos of war for the order of "normal" life. But deep healing calls for soul and spiritual re-alignment. For that, Dr. Tick is there with cultural myths, with compassion and understanding, with the cultural rituals necessary for re-initiation into society. He is the spiritual shaman, the soul reviver whom you need to begin your real journey home.

War and the Soul is a book every soldier, every veteran, every civilian needs to read--and tell others about. It brings a new perspective to war, and to the healing of those we send to fight. We--all of us--need to understand these things if any soldier anywhere is ever to truly come home.

Will It Disappoint You If Your Child Copies Your Behavior?

What would you like your children to have learned by the time they reach adulthood?

Tell the truth. Behave honorably. Be trustworthy. Don't hit. Work hard. Enjoy yourself. Love yourself. Love your family. Relax. Show up when you say you will. Drive carefully. Drink in moderation.

How do our offspring learn these things? Mostly from role models. We figure prominently in that collection of influences. My mid-twenties son drives a little faster than I would prefer. Maybe it is from those years when he rode with me in the front seat of my taxicab. Maybe I was whipping around more than I do now, and that stayed with him. Or maybe he's young and in a hurry. But he's honest and reliable. He works hard. He loves earnestly. I'm very proud of him.

Hidden amidst the desired attributes listed is, "Don't hit." This is an important one. How can we get a tot to stop hitting. You can talk to them about it, ask why they're doing it, tell them how it disappoints you to have them hurting people. If they've gotten out of control--ala the SuperNanny/Nanny 911 case studies, then the naughty chair for two, three or four minutes followed by a hug and and apology is a fine, non-scarring remedy.

Suppose I walk into the nursery school to catch my two year old pulling a playmate around by her hair. If I grab him by his arm, jerk him up into the air, shouting to "Let Go!" and swat his butt, what is he learning? Is he learning to play fair and nice? Is he learning not to grab a playmates hair in front of his dad? Is he learning that the biggest toughest guy makes the rules?

A while back, I watched a dad drag his 10 year old son out of a restaurant and berate him for some offensive behavior at the son's own birthday party. The son was in a karate gi, and was an advanced ranked belt. The father clearly wanted his son to learn discipline, to be able to take care of himself, to avoid being a victim. But dad was unintentionally terrifying his son, and victimizing him. Dad looked murderous. The Dad and I talked later--(as he was about to drag his son from the restaurant AGAIN.)

I suggested that he take it easy on his son. The kid's 10. He'll disappoint his dad during the growing process. I know I disappointed mine a couple of times, and I bet this dad that he did too. Dad can guide him without making him fear for his life. Telling the boy his actions toward the waitress were a let-down will get the boy's attention. Dad & I shook hands after our chat.

I know how frazzled one can get while raising a kid. Being better prepared to deal with an irritating moment, having a plan for how to act and what to say and do will make everything much easier. Talking to her, using "I messages" as Dr Thomas Gordon suggests, will keep your blood pressure down and your relationship with your child healthy. And you'll be modeling rationality, not modeling "Losing It."

When's a Good Age to Start Spanking? Sarcasm.

What is an appropriate age to start to strike your children?

Five years? Two years? Three months? Fresh out of the womb?

How should it be introduced? Should it begin with a flick of the middle finger to the forehead? A slap on the back of their hand? A backhand or forehand slap to the face or midsection? A coathanger to the bare buttocks?

And when should we discontinue the practice? When they are thirteen? When they are twenty? When they stop disappointing you?  Or when they grab your hand, put their face in yours and tell you, "NEVER do that again."

Thousands of studies have been done to find out the effectiveness of corporal punishment (violent disciplining.) How much is too much? how much is too little? How frequently should it be used for best results? how hard should I hit? Should it be different for a one month old infant and a five year old? Should I remove the child from public view? Should I use a tool (weapon) or bare hands, pants up or pants down?

Unfortunately, every study keeps coming up with similar results: avoiding violence--both verbal and physical, produces a healthier child. There is no argument among scientific studies on this point. Every study.

For many parents, the jury is still out because no one has scientifically deduced that smackin' the tyke does him any good. Any day now someone may publish a study that suggests we had it right all along, and the periodic butt-kicking will develop a well-balanced child. And because our fierce violent response comes so automatically, it seems to be natural. Some angry parents believe those scientists with the lame test results were looking in the wrong place, or they must be afraid of their kids.

James Dobson says it's OK to hit. He doesn't care about those scientists either. If he's going to fly in the face of all the evidence and say it's OK, if he believes he is preaching moderation as to the degree of force, then he should make videos available showing how lightly he's hitting, how few times he spanks, how much "love" there is in every responsible whack.

Although I am in TOTAL disagreement with James Dobson on the hitting question, he's on a thousand radio stations and in hundreds of papers. If he were to film guidelines for moderating ferocity, society would benefit.  If he isn't guiding specifically by SHOWING us, then he is simply telling America that hitting is OK. That leaves it to the childhood experience (or the anger level) of the whacker as to just how senseless to beat his little darling for slopping juice on her dress.

If I've been unclear, should I expect a confused parent to step up and slap me for not being clearer?  Or should I be held down and spanked for failing my responsibility to be crystal clear?  How old must you be before you are entitled to conclude that the beating you've just received had nothing to do with love?

My Commitment to Ending Family Violence

I Commit to End Family Violence in America

(and promote a culture of peaceful support in American families)

I was raised in a working class family in San Francisco. The Sunset district housed many parents buying their first homes after WWII, raising the earliest of the Baby Boomers. There was an appearance of propriety, kids were "well-behaved," civility between neighbors was the code.

A central problem, a fear, running silently through this generation of parents was: "What if my child becomes...SPOILED? Oh, my God! What if he's shivvering, and he says--right in front of 'company', 'I'm cold.' Then--I tell him to go to his room and put on a sweater, or the little ingrate would certainly say it again. He's living in MY house, by MY rules, he's not a BABY any more--he's four years old."

Children were to be seen and not heard. They were not to inconvenience parents any more than absolutely necessary. They HAD to be fed and clothed, they grew like WEEDS, it took TRAINING to keep them silent, well-mannered, never interrupting an adult, and keeping problems to themselves other than broken bones or spilled blood. The nature of that training was the problem.

"Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child," was the tenet. Everyone who followed that famous bromide had a belief that THEIR application of the spanking rod, regardless of ferocity, was the appropriate level of force. I was raised with this violence by a mother who herself had a soul-crushing childhood. Her life experience began long before my delivery. No parent is a clean slate.

I believe every parent starts with all the good intentions of raising a strong, capable, intelligent child. Then their history and their life gets in the way. Parents may calmly weigh their disciplinary options, but the sheer 24/7 aspect of demands by kids, by spouse, by circumstances will catch the mere mortals at their weakest moments.  People with harshness in their background then resort to spanking, hitting, slapping, punching, demeaning or spirit-breaking.

If, as a child, a parent was beaten into submission, told she was "worthless," "stupid," "ugly," "headed nowhere," she will have difficulty raising her child without bringing that self-image and those methods to bear. These battered adults often DEFEND violent upbringing, saying, "Dad only brought out the belt when I needed it." "Mom had a lot of buttons, and I used to push'em, I was a hard case."

Many counselors report that counseling begins with the statement that "I had a happy childhood, my folks were loving and fair." Examination then reveals there are grounds for sadness, bitterness, and anger. If there was violence, surprising feelings will come up. Reading and counseling in adulthood creates awareness that parents had alternatives to "the belt," or to heart-spearing words.

Even if a parent is conscious enough or angry enough to renounce violence, she will have difficulty erasing her history. Simply making the commitment to not hit, in my experience, provides no positive tools for disciplining a child, and can lead to ugly alternatives--shaking, pushing, yelling, controlling, demeaning comments that also scar the child.

Counseling, reading, coaching, transformative exercises, NLP, hypnosis and real communication plus learning tools for different situations are essential for a parent with a history of violence to raise a child without shouting or striking. These recommendations would also help a parent, with or without a history, who is considering flying by the seat of the pants through this child-rearing odyssey.

Creating...Families "By Any Means Possible?"

"By any means possible," what do I mean by that? There are many approaches to child-rearing that don't include, and take steps to replace, hitting, slapping, shaking, yelling, intimidating, or manipulating a kid. I  encourage you to look into methods that appeal to you. I took a college course using the text "Assertive Discipline," it was a collection of techniques that helped me never raise a hand or my voice in anger with my natural son. Thomas Gordon's "Parent Effectiveness Training," is an excellent guide to speaking with your child, letting him/her know how you feel and encouraging them to level with you.

Here are books that will introduce you to remarkably different (away from even occasional spanking or yelling), but very workable (learnable) approaches to dealing with a child. Psychocybernetics (By Dr. Maxwell Maltz) helps people "reprogram" themselves. If you're trying one of these above methods, but your automatics (yelling, hitting, spanking, punching, slapping, shaking) still keep happening, time to up the ante a bit. Maltz has ground-breaking methods for change. Let me recommend one thing. Maltz recommends doing several regular tasks differently every day. This simple process throws off your automatic-ness and opens you to change.

If you normally put your left sock on first, make a point to put on the right first. Left pants-leg first? Do the right. Underpants on first? undershirt or bra next? reverse them. Then keep reading and trying out your new skills with your loved ones. Keep it up for several weeks (but soon, you can't remember what was the habit.) This little exercise truly helps you approach change with less resistance.

Other outstanding books are Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Also by Kohn: Punished by Rewards. Keepers of the Children--Native American Wisdom and Parenting, by Laura M. Ramirez; Jon Kabat-Zinn, Author of Full Catastrophe Living, has written a very enjoyable book, Everyday Blessings on raising a responsible, communicative child. Bryan Tracy has a very good CD about rearing a child.(One comment near the beginning of Tracy's CD troubled me--He later clarifies it and essentially reverses any possible misunderstanding.) He refers to having his first child, weeks old, start crying in his crib while Tracy and his wife are entertaining a couple of friends. When Bryan starts to get up to check it out, the friends say, "Take it easy, let him cry." Tracy sits back down, feeling he's been counseled by a veteran.

Tracy clarifies that the advice was really to let the child cry a note or two, hick-up and rattle around while trying to go to sleep. But when serious agitation happens, it requires tending (picking up, holding, rubbing, rocking, singing to, nice actions.) Because of the potential for misunderstanding, I am upset by this advice to let a baby 'cry it out.' A baby crying his lungs out has an issue. Shrinks and researchers say letting it go on is serious abandonment. It's traumatic. Don't do it. Enough said.