Peaceful Family Communication: A New Paradigm for America

I have had a very interesting, challenging and transformative week. I attended a wonderful session of a group called Financial Circles that, in my view, seeks to use proven techniques to move the participants past "stuck" places into their power regarding earning, investing, and otherwise dealing with money. Entrepreneurialism is honored, but not required.

I spoke there about my desire to inspire parents and spouses to seek authentic communication with each other, using successful tools to bring about resolution of emotional, frightening or frustrating issues. When the dust settles around this real communication, there will be support and safety between family members. Kids will want to share their successes with family, everyone will be able to discuss dreams and fears. The relationships will be golden, and the problems that arise within a family will be dealt with in a healthy way.

I was approached by a classmate who shared my interest, and we will be talking about it this week.

I ran for office in my men's group (helping men find and live their purpose) and was heartbroken when I lost. I'm comfortable now believing I dropped the ball in my preparation for the election evening and was killed by unexpectedly tough questions. After a few conversations in the aftermath, I realized the crushing result has toughened me, and may have actually given me time to pursue my "Peaceful Family Communication" vision.

I have met several other men with interests that dovetail with mine, that may allow us to support each other in related pursuits, or even work together in a broader vision of my own purpose.

Just when I thought the week could not be more deeply enriching, I attended the Wisdom Festival at San Francisco's Fort Mason Cultural Center. There I attended four sessions discussing hot topics, but using unfamiliar (to me) communication processes that I found spellbinding.

These processes guaranteed each participant an opportunity to be heard, to respond, to propose alternatives and to hear the others. The small groups were great fun and very satisfying. I look forward to meeting again with the meeting sponsors and most of the attendees.

What happens if you don't hit your kid to stop undesireable behavior? (Part I)

I've been pouring over a very scholarly report that cites 83 other reports about the wisdom (or not) of hitting your kids.

When I was very small, my mom used backhands and hairbrushes to bring me around to her way of thinking. It was how she was brought up, and she seemed to have no control over this choice of discipline. I slapped and spanked two stepsons more than I can bear to recall.

Counseling, courses in assertive discipline, books and courses on Parent Effectiveness Training (Dr. Thomas Gordon), empowered me to raise my natural son without EVER hitting him. I talked with him about behavior that troubled me, and he changed it. We did do several four and five minute time-outs that I now believe were probably more effective for me than for him.

I have a very nice relationship with him now. We see each other about weekly, and talk on the phone a few more times per week. He has a familiar issue here or there that, rather than me beating into him, I painlessly modeled for him.

But I am proud of him. He works hard at communicating, with me, with his girl, with his friends. I envy him. I wish I could have started as young.

As the famous study suggests, the violence of parent on child may immediately stop some undesirable behaviors, but it also damages the child's trust in the parent, damages the child's expectation of love and support, and may simply make him more careful not to get caught. Even though our purpose may be to instill a moral value, research suggests that it simply has them look over their shoulder (be out of our presence) before committing the behavior.