When I was very small, my mom used backhands and hairbrushes to bring me around to her way of thinking. It was how she was brought up, and she seemed to have no control over this choice of discipline. I slapped and spanked two stepsons more than I can bear to recall.
Counseling, courses in assertive discipline, books and courses on Parent Effectiveness Training (Dr. Thomas Gordon), empowered me to raise my natural son without EVER hitting him. I talked with him about behavior that troubled me, and he changed it. We did do several four and five minute time-outs that I now believe were probably more effective for me than for him.
I have a very nice relationship with him now. We see each other about weekly, and talk on the phone a few more times per week. He has a familiar issue here or there that, rather than me beating into him, I painlessly modeled for him.
But I am proud of him. He works hard at communicating, with me, with his girl, with his friends. I envy him. I wish I could have started as young.
As the famous study suggests, the violence of parent on child may immediately stop some undesirable behaviors, but it also damages the child's trust in the parent, damages the child's expectation of love and support, and may simply make him more careful not to get caught. Even though our purpose may be to instill a moral value, research suggests that it simply has them look over their shoulder (be out of our presence) before committing the behavior.
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