My brother Mark's ex-wife, now a very successful writer, told him a memory from her own childhood. One evening, very young Shelly was unable to sleep. She called to her dad and expressed her concern. He said, "Well, Honey, why don't you turn on your lamp and read until you get sleepy." I have been reciting the story over and over in my mind for four or five days since reading it. My brother added that our parents would have taken failure to fall asleep as an affront to their authority. I think if we had such an event, we would have remained silent, not sought their counsel. Below is an email I sent him as I continue to stew over this story's impact on me.
I keep stirring this blown-mind issue over this wonderful story of your Ex. I'm not done assessing it's impact on me. It occurs to me that your evaluation was important in my grokking my amazement at this parental gesture from a parallel universe. Your noting that our folks would have taken this situation as an affront to their authority was clear and precise. Good eye. Well said.
I'm troubled that I never had such a solution even occur to me as one I'd reject. I'm pleased with the changes I wrought on myself after being hard on stepsons Eddie and Steve, then being human, thoughtful, and communicative with natural son Jake. I took to heart the idea that we have more control of our responses to events than we are often told. Example: your child runs into the street as car approaches, you run out and snatch the little one from tragedy, then paddle him ferociously for nearly getting killed, and for putting you through this emotional experience. Awakened approach: Kid runs into street, you runout and snatch him up and return to sidewalk. You hug him while you catch your breath, think about what just happened and what could have happened, and you tell him "oh my gosh, don't run out into the street like that. It's very dangerous. You scared me. I was so afraid you'd be terribly hurt and have to spend a long time in the hospital getting well from being hit by a car. I'd be very sad that you were so hurt. The street is a place for cars to drive and kid need to stay on the sidewalk to be safe."
I remember that I brought Jake a bowl of hot cereal to his bedside each morning. I was mildly concerned that we would have an Oatmeal Accident, but we went through several uneventful years before he one morning he changed position and dropped the bowl on his comforter. All my concern over the past years came back to mind, I looked at the small mess, there was no injury, no burns. Jake looked at me for a response, I took a moment, considered everything in my thoughts, then said, "Well, we've been doing this for years, and this is the first accident. I think our ratio of success to failure is very good." We cleaned it up and I made him another bowl. I thought about changing the arrangement, but I don't think we did. I think I made more certain that he was positioned where he wanted to be.
I think about helping parents find happiness in smaller doses than the longed for "ship coming in" resulting in abounding wealth and happiness. Jon Kabat-Zinn (Howard's son-in-law) writes of his three year old daughter getting ready for pre-school each morning. She would bring out two or three dresses to consider wearing that day, and would seek Dad's advice. This daily procedure would irk dad, he would urge her to make the choice, or try to make it for her, and the wonderfulness of parenthood would escape him. When he noticed how upset he was, and how resolved she was to go through this routine, he made a change. They adjusted sleeping and waking hours to accommodate the morning ritual. He was able to appreciate her eye and her dedication to looking and feeling right about her daily look. He got to enjoy her routine without concern for being late, and recalls the time-adjusted period with great fondness.
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