Human Nature's Amazing Technology: The Dovetail Radar.
Why does violence occur in couples, and between parents and children?
It starts with upbringing. If beaten for years, by either a raging, drunken parent or a sober, impassioned disciplinarian, there will be some wires crossed about the propriety of physical punishment. In my conversations with adult beaten-kids, I have come across only two who claim to have never struck their children. While I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of their claims, I suspect they were unable to provide a dream of a communicative home. People who are abused physically, mentally, or are raised in the presence of it, are injured, or "dented."
How do couples who beat, or tolerate beating, find each other?
I call a skill possessed by humans “The Dovetail Radar.” I’m dented by my childhood experience with violence. I’m perhaps a 6 on a scale of 10. Ten being survivors of genocide in Sudan or The Holocaust. The radar I describe allows us to spot people who are dented to a degree similar to our own. I believe this trait is the most accurate intuitive force possessed by humans.
People who live in a frightening place—like a violent home—learn patterns of self-preservation, like lying, deceiving, rebelling, attacking, tantrums, rage, or effusive praise, saccharine facades, propriety, shyness, reserve and charm combined in many ways. Suppose a young woman has been regularly beaten, whipped through childhood. Suppose her “score” was an 8 on our fictitious scale. She has learned to conceal her interests, or believes she has no interests, because long ago she found personal interests were dangerous. They got her beaten. She lies about many things. It keeps her safe. She conceals her truth to avoid provoking rage in others.
She meets a boy raised in a home where conversation between family members was supportive, and remains so into his adulthood. Let's call his score on our Radar scale a 2. When these two hang around for an afternoon, she finds him weird because he talks so openly about himself, and he asks questions about her. And he frowns often and tilts his lead like a puppy in a TV commercial.
He finds her strange, rambling on with inconsequential dramas. She seems mad at people. There’s something in her that repels him, even though she’s really pretty. She doesn't feel genuine. Here we have the pair of radars, the girl with a score of 8, and the guy with a score of 2. They will not "Dovetail." The 2 (healthier relationships) detects evasive answers and improbable descriptions coming from the 8. The 8 finds the 2 naive and uninteresting.
Those with lower scores, more familiar with telling their truth, revealing their desires and interests to supportive family, will find the game-playing of the 8’s irritating, dramatic, and unfulfilling. There’s no quickening of the heartbeat, no blip on the their radars.
Ms 8 does find a bigger than life, handsome ladies-man VERY cute, and he knows how to talk to her. Another 8. He has developed charm, fake sweetness and deception. To her, he is ELECTRIC. He seems to really appreciate her. They don’t know about the dark sides of each other's families, but somehow the attraction is powerful. For reasons unknown to them, they are all over each other (they'd call it animal magnetism) Like the carpenter's joint interlocking two pieces of wood—they “dovetail,” like lacing fingers. They just FIT.
But for the two 8s, life starts intruding on their passion, and darkness appears. One may lie, cheat or rage. The other sticks around, comfortable with drama, hoping things will change, putting up, believing, raging, heart breaking, but persisting. Scores can even result from different parental methods. She, viciously beaten, locked in her room, deprived of food for punishment. He, threatened, told he was worthless, stupid, ignorant, watched his mother beaten by his father and other men in her life. The radar we all possess, will find mates that have similar scores.
Counseling, growth, achievement, increased self esteem through therapy, courses and other interventions will change these patterns and make healthy relationships possible. Honest.
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