Creating...Families "By Any Means Possible?"

"By any means possible," what do I mean by that? There are many approaches to child-rearing that don't include, and take steps to replace, hitting, slapping, shaking, yelling, intimidating, or manipulating a kid. I  encourage you to look into methods that appeal to you. I took a college course using the text "Assertive Discipline," it was a collection of techniques that helped me never raise a hand or my voice in anger with my natural son. Thomas Gordon's "Parent Effectiveness Training," is an excellent guide to speaking with your child, letting him/her know how you feel and encouraging them to level with you.

Here are books that will introduce you to remarkably different (away from even occasional spanking or yelling), but very workable (learnable) approaches to dealing with a child. Psychocybernetics (By Dr. Maxwell Maltz) helps people "reprogram" themselves. If you're trying one of these above methods, but your automatics (yelling, hitting, spanking, punching, slapping, shaking) still keep happening, time to up the ante a bit. Maltz has ground-breaking methods for change. Let me recommend one thing. Maltz recommends doing several regular tasks differently every day. This simple process throws off your automatic-ness and opens you to change.

If you normally put your left sock on first, make a point to put on the right first. Left pants-leg first? Do the right. Underpants on first? undershirt or bra next? reverse them. Then keep reading and trying out your new skills with your loved ones. Keep it up for several weeks (but soon, you can't remember what was the habit.) This little exercise truly helps you approach change with less resistance.

Other outstanding books are Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Also by Kohn: Punished by Rewards. Keepers of the Children--Native American Wisdom and Parenting, by Laura M. Ramirez; Jon Kabat-Zinn, Author of Full Catastrophe Living, has written a very enjoyable book, Everyday Blessings on raising a responsible, communicative child. Bryan Tracy has a very good CD about rearing a child.(One comment near the beginning of Tracy's CD troubled me--He later clarifies it and essentially reverses any possible misunderstanding.) He refers to having his first child, weeks old, start crying in his crib while Tracy and his wife are entertaining a couple of friends. When Bryan starts to get up to check it out, the friends say, "Take it easy, let him cry." Tracy sits back down, feeling he's been counseled by a veteran.

Tracy clarifies that the advice was really to let the child cry a note or two, hick-up and rattle around while trying to go to sleep. But when serious agitation happens, it requires tending (picking up, holding, rubbing, rocking, singing to, nice actions.) Because of the potential for misunderstanding, I am upset by this advice to let a baby 'cry it out.' A baby crying his lungs out has an issue. Shrinks and researchers say letting it go on is serious abandonment. It's traumatic. Don't do it. Enough said.