What would you like your children to have learned by the time they reach adulthood?
Tell the truth. Behave honorably. Be trustworthy. Don't hit. Work hard. Enjoy yourself. Love yourself. Love your family. Relax. Show up when you say you will. Drive carefully. Drink in moderation.
How do our offspring learn these things? Mostly from role models. We figure prominently in that collection of influences. My mid-twenties son drives a little faster than I would prefer. Maybe it is from those years when he rode with me in the front seat of my taxicab. Maybe I was whipping around more than I do now, and that stayed with him. Or maybe he's young and in a hurry. But he's honest and reliable. He works hard. He loves earnestly. I'm very proud of him.
Hidden amidst the desired attributes listed is, "Don't hit." This is an important one. How can we get a tot to stop hitting. You can talk to them about it, ask why they're doing it, tell them how it disappoints you to have them hurting people. If they've gotten out of control--ala the SuperNanny/Nanny 911 case studies, then the naughty chair for two, three or four minutes followed by a hug and and apology is a fine, non-scarring remedy.
Suppose I walk into the nursery school to catch my two year old pulling a playmate around by her hair. If I grab him by his arm, jerk him up into the air, shouting to "Let Go!" and swat his butt, what is he learning? Is he learning to play fair and nice? Is he learning not to grab a playmates hair in front of his dad? Is he learning that the biggest toughest guy makes the rules?
A while back, I watched a dad drag his 10 year old son out of a restaurant and berate him for some offensive behavior at the son's own birthday party. The son was in a karate gi, and was an advanced ranked belt. The father clearly wanted his son to learn discipline, to be able to take care of himself, to avoid being a victim. But dad was unintentionally terrifying his son, and victimizing him. Dad looked murderous. The Dad and I talked later--(as he was about to drag his son from the restaurant AGAIN.)
I suggested that he take it easy on his son. The kid's 10. He'll disappoint his dad during the growing process. I know I disappointed mine a couple of times, and I bet this dad that he did too. Dad can guide him without making him fear for his life. Telling the boy his actions toward the waitress were a let-down will get the boy's attention. Dad & I shook hands after our chat.
I know how frazzled one can get while raising a kid. Being better prepared to deal with an irritating moment, having a plan for how to act and what to say and do will make everything much easier. Talking to her, using "I messages" as Dr Thomas Gordon suggests, will keep your blood pressure down and your relationship with your child healthy. And you'll be modeling rationality, not modeling "Losing It."
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