July 6, 08 11:56pm Only When I needed it.
A uniform statement I have heard from adult children of spankers, whippers and beaters is, "My Dad beat me with a pole, or a branch, or his fist. But I was a hard case. I gave him attitude. He only kicked my ass when I needed it."
One of the sad effects of this brutality, is that it is identified by the victim as a necessary part of child-rearing. It is believed to be a part of love. I believe we (who have been through it) usually swear to be a parent who doesn't do this. From my experience, a parent doesn't beat a child all the time, everyday. But life has times where patience shortens, where peace must return, quiet and order must be restored--NOW!, you tell yourself. There can be a disagreement between adults, causing anger. A child may want attention, want to be read to, talked with, to tell about her day, and can't read the signs of impending parental explosion. Neither the adult difficulty or the KID will go away. DAMMMMMN!!
There are infinite scenarios that upset a parent, none have to make any sense, but the kids never "need it."
Violent outbursts are learned behaviors. They also indicate the parent hasn't learned an alternative response. Like the slogan, "If you are a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." You have no "toolkit" of answers for your own aggravation, disappointment, or anger. I remember a counselor telling me to count to ten before reacting. I never made it. I believe such advice comes from someone who has no personal experience with the depth of rage.
When I started learning options, I first had to learn ones that didn't work for me. Tough Love, which works for many people, for me prompted my kids to push back immediately, to the hilt. There was no fear of being locked out, or living in the garage. My teen-age step sons and I were in each others' faces until my natural son with their mother was born. I'm wish I could undo my contribution to their make-up. If I could apologize (I have) enough, sit with them in counseling to reverse the pent up anger, I would. Where did I find options?
I learned some helpful techniques from Nursery School education classes at San Francisco State and from my experience at our schools run by my then wife. I also took a class called Assertive Discipline, using a text of the same name. I recommend it. I have read recently about it. I guess some believe there are now superior methods, I am looking for them. This was the primary toolkit that allowed me to do my part of raising my boy without hits, spanks, shoves, shakes or even yelling.
Instead of counting to ten, I took action--talking. Derailing, asking questions. I'd heard of these "Time Outs," but didn't know how they worked. They are actually separation from the activity for a period of one minute per year of the child's age. Not an hour, a day or a week, but four minutes for my four year old. No grabbing, but talking. If you're little angel has become a little monster, then I really recommend watching the SuperNanny or Nanny 911 for graphic portrayal of physical handling without anger and patient response. I didn't have that problem with my own little angel.
At about four he could get fired up, maybe too much sugar, tired, needed a nap, or SOMETHING, that taxed me. I walked him to his room and told him that he must stay here for four minutes, until he could calm down and come out and rejoin me. I wouldn't be angry, we'd just settle down a bit. I set a little egg timer to four minutes and told him he could come out when it dinged. I'm not sure how many times we did this. Maybe five to ten times. I do remember once or twice he cried out, "Dad, Noooooo, not four minutes!!!" I now believe it was ME who needed the time out. It was a successful "count to ten" that was never violent, never raging.
I also took a course called Parent Effectiveness Training. Then I took Parent Effectiveness Trainer Training. I had enjoyed Thomas Gordon's book on the subject. My box of tools to replace my child-rearing rage began to overflow. Then I had to start to tackle my other inner baggage.
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