People Are...Good? or Bad?

29June08 People are basically...Good or Bad?

I didn't know it at the time I was rearing either my step-kids or my natural son, but there are two conflicting generalizations about people: they are basically good and need guidance or they are basically bad and need control, punishment, fear and oversight to make them behave. If they are good, they will need to talk about their behavior, and be corrected when they veer off course. If they are bad--then we are lost.

What kind of people have you met? Nice people? I have. I know there can be jerks, and I guess I have been a jerk on occasion, but how much discipline and control is required to make someone nice, sincere, authentic, helpful, honest, focused, and responsible.

I was very hard on my step-sons. When they were young, they were inquisitive and energetic and they had few limits, so they were everywhere. In order to have any privacy with their mom, I asked, told, then demanded that they do as I say. I pretty quickly put a bolt on the inside of our bedroom door, to eliminate anytime young visitors.

Like so many folks, I thought communication was my specialty and parenting was a snap. I told the kids what I expected and thought I was done. However, that didn't work. I thought I should be able to tell the kids one time. The second time meant, to me, they weren't trying, or weren't listening. I had to become very focused and more serious. The third time was just too damn much. I had to become menacing.

It's painful to write this. My incompetency lead me down a violent path that lived in me. I know now that a display of love makes a big difference. I know how a lost parent can throw his hands up and try to minimize the struggle by becoming angry or violent: hoping to "whip those kids into shape."

There is the additional element of being the step-parent. I was in the relationship for the mom. I had no connection to these boys. As good as they were, they were little balls of needs for attention that distracted from my pursuit of happiness with their mom. Then there was the fact I was adrift as to how to rear them. If I had read a book about it, and I'd read lots of other books, but it never occurred to me I was "parenting," and people had written lots to help.