What is Discipline?

July 6, 2008 What is Discipline?
Remember, I'm one of those who believes we are all good at the outset, then our family, our experiences, our role-models and our peers have impacts on our development.

When I speak of discipline, I will be talking about choice number four below. I want a child to be able to make decisions, to think for himself, to get along in a group, to speak her truth.

Punishment. I have tried various levels of punishment with my step-kids. I lectured. I yelled. I grounded. I deprived. I spanked. I hit. What prompted me to take this road? I think my own rearing. Early viscious training. It made these choices automatic, and because they were, I didn't question them.

I also wanted quick results. I wanted my method to end irritation by kids, to make their desired behavior ever-present. Did I achieve it? Not at all. My life attempting to discipline the boys was exhausting. I was on them every moment they weren't involved in something they enjoyed.

Punishment shouldn't be considered a part of discipline. Punishment is its own activity. Am I a better person, a more on-time person because I was publicly swatted in the seventh grade for being late to gym class? When I bent over and grabbed my ankles, and a classmate was ordered to smack my butt with his open hand, what did it mean to me? It meant, be on time to that damned class or that SOB will order someone to hurt me. Being on time remains a problem for me in some arenas and not in others. Spanking doesn't figure in. But I remember it. It figures into my need to write and speak and coach to bring about creation of happy communicative couples raising good citizens with respect, without use of brutality.

Check out Number Four: That's what I want to encourage. The training is talking with your kids. Reading to them, talking about learning and knowledge, talking about self-discipline. Setting some kind of example of getting things done. Also, teaching kids to speak up, speak their minds under the right circumstances. Don't chatter on endlessly, but step up when a conversation is going on.

I'll never forget an experience at my wife's and my nursery school. I was helping out one day, corralling, reading to, tour-guiding, counting and feeding our 2.5 to five year old kids. 18 of them.

The kids had finished their lunches and we were cleaning up. I asked the group if everyone had had enough. Did everyone get enough to eat? Yes, yes , yeah, um-hmm they nodded. I tossed out the paper napkins and towels, put away some lunch pails and began wiping up the carnage on the tables, to be expected from this group.

One 2 3/4 year old boy approached me and said he was still hungry. I said, "why didn't you say something when I asked? I had all the food out. Now I've put it all away."
"I don't know."
"Well, It's all away now. You'll have to wait till later."
"But, I'm hungry now."
"I can't help you. Wait till snack time."
"But I'm hungry now, I need a sandwich now."
This little guy came up to just above my kneecaps. He was staying calm, and persistent. He was going nowhere. It was fascinating to see that resolve in anyone, much less a boy not yet three.
"I've already asked and had no takers, and put away the food. If I make a sandwich for you, I will have to make a sandwich for everyone."
"No, you won't. You just have to make a sandwich for me."

You already know he got his sandwich. I got a lesson in sticking to your guns, asking for what you need. Not that I put it right to use, but this is twenty-plus years ago and I haven't forgotten the manner or its success.

I've wondered how his parents treated him. Obviously, there was no fear of authority, no evidence of violent reigning-in regarding his wants and needs.

If our positions were reversed, I'd have been afraid to say, "I need more food," when the teacher asked. I'd have expected the response, "You've had enough, you had both halves of a peanut butter sandwich, you don't need more than that." I could NEVER have approached an adult and asked for more after the alleged opportunity had passed. I had to be forty-two years old, benching three hundred pounds, a martial artist, and ex-cop and a student of straightening myself out, in order to ask for seconds. The violent molding of me didn't have the effect my mother desired.
From the Merriam-Webster web site:
1: punishment
2 obsolete : instruction
3: a field of study
4: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control
6: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-nəl\ adjective

Number 5, this is what we all experience to some degree. Some from our parents, our churches, our schools. Can we speak our minds, pursue our interests, have fun while being presentable youngsters? What do you think?

It's a sad fact, at some time, maybe several times, our kids will disappoint us. Maybe they'll bully someone, lie, steal or some other misbehaviour. I survived. You will too. If you're talking with your kids, talking about their days, your day, aggravations and pleasures, you'll have an open path to be heard, and influence their actions.

The short and long-term end results are incredible satisfaction that you have the ability to talk with your child about ANYTHING. It feels great when they're five, ten, fifteen, twenty and twenty five. If I can spread the joy of communicating with family on important issues, I'm where I want to be. 1:49am