How do you want you kids to be?

17Jun08

What do you want from your relationship with a partner/lover/spouse?
First, you experience the out-of-control excitement of seeing, touching, hearing, and missing your new love, what could be better than that? That exhilaration, that joy, that feet-not-touching-the-ground feeling. That is the natural attraction that insures the continuation of mankind. Jumping each others bones does just that.

When the blood cools a bit--after a year or two--there can be some fear that the changing nature of the relationship is a loss of interest, but it's the beginning of a partnership. Different communication patterns from different upbringings necessitate effort to understand what each really wants from the other. Sharing experience, responsibility and time takes on a different richness. With cooler heads, couples can focus on the future. Separate activities allow some breathing room, and joyous reunion at the end of the day.

Some people plan ahead, some try to "sieze the day" and enjoy life without a plan. I believe the American working class culture doesn't focus on plans. There may be more planning if we search in more prosperous families. Watch our TV shows. No TV family plans their future, sets an example, inquires into personal gifts and possible paths. This reliance on spontaneity has a negative impact on our kids and our culture.

What do you want from your children?

How would you like your kids to be? It would be nice to have energetic kids who can pipe down when asked, respectful kids who enjoy playing with each other, or with mom and dad. My ideal is a family sitting at a table talking about their day. Being asked about what they learned, who they met or interacted with. No one ordered to shut up. Learn some manners and conduct a conversation.

I'd like to raise kids with self-respect, who are used to being treated respectfully. They'd expect to be spoken with about infractions. Also, kids should be able to safely bring up grievances and be listened to. One rich part of my last twenty years is my pride in my son. We talk a lot. He is able to talk to me about many things, which pleases me. I have a history of piling on advice. I am reducing it and doing more listening. I love it when he ASKS for my advice, and on important stuff. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of him.

I have a favorite scene from one Woody Allen movie where a large family, twenty or so, is sitting at a huge dinner table. Everyone is talking and occasionally someone holds the floor, addressing the entire group. A young boy of six or eight asks a question of his grandfather from across and down the table's length. The family becomes silent, listens to the question, then turns to Grampa to hear his answer. Grampa scratches his chin and mutters, then says that Grandma should answer this particular question. The crowd, as if following a tennis volley, shifts attention to Grandma. She thinks, then answers. The family returns the volley of attention to see if the boy is satisfied, and he is. I am sitting out in row 26, wiping tears from my chin. I have never seen such respect given to a young boy. His question is heard, honored with TWO responses, and he is happy. And I am astonished.