I have learned how negative the effects of violence are on a kid. I'm still working on undoing the lingering effects on myself. I have a wicked startle-response that frightens people who surprise me. I have been asked by a VA counselor if I was in combat (I wasn't.) I am working on choosing what I want to do. I've established that expressing my desires, my interests, my preferences was early on very dangerous for me. I grew up not doing it. Now I am learning that there are things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go eat.
My mom and I have talked about her early treatment of me, then about her early treatment by her parents, and my treatment of my three step-children. Violent treatment in family life
sticks with the victims and the witnesses in equal measure. I believe, from my experience and my reading, that breaking the pattern requires conscious intervention. Many abused kids grow into parents who swear they won't hit their kids. Most don't succeed without counseling, classes, or reading; others resort alternate destructive options, such as yelling, shaking, intimidating, threatening while priding themselves on no hitting.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
Every study done on the effects of violence shows negative effects. "Positive effects" can be: the kid quits doing some behavior. But, studies show, they only stop doing it while they are in the presence of the disciplining parent. For some parents, this may be enough.
What would I like kids to become? I'd like them to develop respect for others' property, privacy, and individual quirks. I'd like them to be able to think, to reason, to read, to communicate, to partake of activities they enjoy, to discover their gifts and use them to happily provide a living. I'd like them to learn things in school that have guaranteed use in their post-school years. How to balance a checkbook, how to save and invest, how to act with the opposite sex, how to rear a child without yelling or hitting, how to speak with authenticity about topics that interest them. How to be truthful, have integrity--their word is their bond.
We are seeing reprehensible behavior from corporations and their leaders. Our political leaders are looking over their shoulders to stay out of trouble, some failing miserably. What kinds of role models are these?
My experience of people I know and work with is that generally we want to live our lives peacefully and enjoy what we enjoy. Taking family unity seriously, communication with our spouse and our children is vital. Knowing what we want to accomplish with our families is something many Americans leave to chance. We know we must have food on the table. So income is a must. And a roof. For many, planning stops there.
Perhaps home ownership and the American Dream, 2.5 kids, two cars, three bedrooms is on many agendas, but somehow communication is left to "whatever happens."
If you have haggled with your spouse, listened to each other, weighed in on living space design, parenting methods, college funds or no, IRAs at full funding percentage or no, then you are ahead of the game.
If you must yell to get your way, or hit, then there is a problem. If you command obedience from your family, giving orders and expecting cooperation, there is a better way.
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