Ending Guilt with the "I-Message"

The "I message" is at the heart of many communication approaches. When the speaker spells out the activity that is troubling, then the way it makes them feel, the offender can hear it without feeling attacked.

If your next cubicle mate shows up for work, throws a hat from across the room toward a hat rack in his cubicle, and more than half the time it bounces into your cubicle, startling you, you will need to take action to make it stop.

You let him get settled in his chair them come over and tell him you need to take a minute with him. "When he throws his hat at the hat rack," you say, "and it misses and bounces into my cubicle, it has spilled my coffee on my work, it has knocked my paperwork onto the floor, and that makes me really angry, makes me sad, and disappoints me. Would you please do something else with your hat that will never involve bouncing into my cubicle?"

This form of message is very effective with kids, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Dr Thomas Gordon features it in his Parent Effectiveness Training, Teacher Effectiveness Training and Leader Effectiveness Training.