Intro to My Use of Non-Violent Communication

24 June 08,

I like the heart of Non-Violent Communication. Marshall Rosenberg has pioneered and promoted a remarkable way to approach serious communication. He has thousands of proteges, training folks of all ages how to talk with someone who scares you, enrages you, wants to hurt you or take advantage of you. Any scenario that you object to. How to talk them "down," to reveal your feelings about hurting or being scared or feeling disrespected, and get them to listen. You can hear their side, which will likely be surprisingly important.

I re-read some of the basic handbook today before going into work. There I was to meet with my boss, mediating between me and a manager that has recently pissed me off.

In the meeting, I started off with, "I have a need for respect." This was a tough thing for me to say. For the first 58 years of my life, I believed I had no needs, wants, preferences: I was a conciliatory lump. I found that it wasn't that I just didn't have these things, but that I was terrified to have them. Early training convinced me that having a need was dangerous. I could be killed.

Even as I write this, I'm getting a better understanding of some resistance I have toward saying, "I have a need for..." The resistance starts with a realization that I've had needs, but never allowed myself to feel them or address them. I also fear that revealing a need might ignite the room into a Jim-hating, "Get a rope!" kind of frenzy.

I made the statement this morning, and can evaluate it's impact only now. No one moved. No one blanched. No one stood up and said, "Who the f*** cares what you have a need for?" I say to myself right now, "No kidding?"

A few minutes later my "adversary" said the same thing, "I have a need for respect, too," and told me HIS beef with me. I'll be damned, really? That bothers you? I can stop that.

It was much faster than I expected, with real results, and there was no blood spilled. I didn't really think there would be, but I couldn't imagine getting through the confrontation without some vicious words being traded. But none of that happened. We shook hands and went back to work, and spoke several more times during the day as our duties require.

I think I'll talk about my relationship growing up, with my younger brother. Tomorrow.